A Toast

It's the new year again, but I'm not going to rant about how depressed or sad I am about my life at this point (I don't think I'm depressed anyway) or about how alone I am on new year's and start a ridiculous pity party for myself (even though I am alone on New Year's Eve...so what?). And I'm definitely not gonna spend a million words reflecting on the past year and where it went wrong and how I'm gonna do much better next year....

Instead.....

I'm gonna begin the new year on a positive note. With a toast.

*Raises champagne glass*


Ahem, I said *RAISES CHAMPAGNE GLASS*

Damnit y'all...that's your cue to raise yours too!!

...*waits a decent amount of time for the rest of the glasses to be raised*



Now then...

Here's to a new year; here's to getting into bed with hotties when we find them and to stealing their boxers if they leave them (on accident or because you hide them...whatever) at your house (not saying I do this or anything...anyhow, moving on); I raise my glass to all my friends, loved ones, and everybody else who knows me wishing them all the best for the coming year: may you find the somebody that completes you this year (we all know we secretly want this, so don't lie damnit!), may you have better luck with your career this year than you did last year, may you find only open windows instead of the closed doors and may you have sex so dirty and crazy that you have to lie about what happened to you the next day at work (again, not that this has happened either, I'm just saying--thank you Big Ed); here's to all the people who have loved us: may they all rot in hell for letting us go and someday feel very sorry for themselves when they realize what they lost when they left us and here's to all the people that we will find to love us in the coming months, may they all treasure the precious gift that, by some miracle, wandered into their lives;

(Ok y'all I'm really almost done...you can chug the whole glass in a second to make up for all the time you've wasted not drinking while reading this)

here's to all the friends who love us more than life itself who know that their love, whilst still deeply treasured, is not enough to fill the empty space and here's to all the people who truly understand what is in our hearts and souls, may they continue to love us and care for us just for being ourselves and never try to change us; to all this, and all the things I might have left out, I raise my glass for a toast to a new and better year ahead: to a brighter future laid out before us and an even path upon which to walk.....I love you all, so much!

*Takes a drink and keeps drinking until everybody has drank from their glass as well*

As I will it, so shall it be. Thanks be to the gods and goddesses for all their love and support.

Awful Realization

I'm all alone again.

That is, the friends that were, aren't anymore and the lovers that could have been, can't be anymore.

I don't have anybody left to confide in anymore...they're all either too busy with their own lives, or they don't care about my problems anymore, or they've grown to be even more selfish than I myself am (which is hard to do). Outta sight really does amount to out of mind in most cases.

The sadness washes over me like a wave: I don't like being alone.

And I actually chose this path. Somebody anybody tell me why.

Reflection

I talked to him for over an hour yesterday and it was great. It was like nothing had ever changed between us. Odd that it could feel so natural to just chat with him for so long...I kept digging for other things to talk about though because I didn't want the conversation to end. And then, afterward I had butterflies all day just like I used to when he would call me from Iraq. Man, I'm such a stupid woman. It's very hard not to imagine "What ifs" with him. Then I think about all the times that he and I tried to make it work over the years, and I realize that we've both been kicked twice by the other (that's a lot of kicks to endure). And then I wonder why we bothered to try so many times. There must be something else there if we keep coming back for more after the horse done already kicked us twice. But what? What is it that keeps us coming back? Is it only because I always call him? And then with me having already called, he just talks to be polite? But that's not entirely true, it hasn't been always only me that tries to revive contact: he wrote me a letter that I never got while he was in Texas. I never got it because he sent it to my old apartment and I moved out before it got there. Totally off-the-wall theories keep popping into my head the more I think about this...I won't share them. Mostly I won't because I don't really want to admit I'm thinking them at all...I'd much rather pretend that if I don't write them out then they aren't really in my head. :) Course that only means I'm lying to myself foremost and everybody else as well...but right now, I think I need that so that I don't get carried away in nonsense thoughts.

BCT excerpts-2

More excerpts from my journal from BCT...obviously some parts are left out either to protect my un-innocence or because they aren't very interesting...or because I just don't want to share all of my thoughts with everybody...Whatever.

09Nov06

How to document a bad day? I almost cried several times during the final hours. The doubt is creeping in again. Can I make it? Will I be able to get good enough to pass the PT test. I did some push-ups today with all my gear on, but I still wasn't able to get all the way down and the joker of the crowd had to start chiming in with sarcastic counting: repeating zero! zero! like he was not counting my pushups.
....I'm mostly hurt today b/c the sarcasm turned into doubt in my brain and it was very disheartening, b/c it made me wonder again...can I succeed at this? There's nothing worse than seeing your own fear reflected back at you through somebody else's eyes, or in the form of sarcasm.
...Just having my feet up right now feels like the best thing in the world.

10Nov06

Today was the first field training exercise FTX (the army loves its acronyms). Basically the one dayer is just to teach us about how to deal with living in the field with very few comforts. I washed w/baby wipes, ate MREs learned how to pitch a leanto tent using only 550 cord and a poncho and some sticks.
...The march wasn't very long but it felt like eternity with the whole world on your back. More essential training I suppose. But honestly, I've never slept this close to nature before. I usually have at least some protection from the bugs.

...Ok other random thoughts on the army. They insist on calling us females here not ladies or women or girls and I think it's because they are trying to get us to be barely more than males. fe-males. like men but with a little bit of fem I'm not sure I like that concept but I don't suppose there's much I can do about it. 2)This is definitely NOT summer camp even if most of the women insist on acting like it should be. Like we're supposed to get all the comforts of home or something. Some girls still shave everyday like they have all the time in the world when they don't. Some I don't think they realized just what they were getting themselves into.

12Nov06

I look forward to Sundays here. Saturdays always seem the worst. Yesterday I was doubting myself again. Wondering if I'm strong enough to make it through. I cried myself to sleep last night, and unlike last week, I woke up still sad. I couldn't do any situps, or at least not very many, or pushups and I began to let the doubt take over. What happens if I don't pass? How long will I have to stay if I fail? I know people could see the emotion on my fact last night. But I wasn't crying b/c it hurt to do that much exercise (no doubt, I was really exhausted) but the real problem was my soul hurt. I was crying b/c I was disappointed in myself, b/c I've never failed at anything I really wanted before, and I really do want this, but I'm not sure if that will be enough this time.

Today was church though and that made me feel a little better not just b/c I like going to church and singing, but also b/c it's a more relaxed day around here. We get more "free" time. It's not really personal time (we have to scrub the barracks) but it's basically drill sergeant free for several hours.

But the exact same bible verse came up today in church as was at the protestant service last week. (It was the hint for next week, but I still knew it was for me) In Jeremiah when the Lord sends his people to the bad area and tells them that they'll be there for a while, but not to fear b/c when they seek him w/their whole heart they will find him and he will lead them back to the land he exiled them from. So maybe the Army is just a way to bide my time until I can be led back to where I came from (wherever that is) So today I realized with this verse again, that I am here for a reason but that reason isn't necessarily training oriented (that might be a nice side bonus); I have been exiled from my former life and placed here for a reason. I'm not confused as to what that reason may be, but it's not for me to know reasons, and it's not for me to know the plans. The overall plan is perfect even if the paths may seem imperfect as I walk along them.

13Nov06

I am physically and mentally exhausted today. Land nav was fun. We're on of the few groups that found all 5 points, but I knew I was good at that type of stuff. I learned a lot about somebody that I didn't expect to find interesting. (the joker/sarcastic guy of the group *editor's add-in*)

...I was trying to think of something I knew to sing along the way to make the walk seem shorter, but instead that (a song I made up *editor's add in*) popped into my head. Even now, I can't think of the lyrics to Beloved, Tears by CXS keeps bleeding through in my head.

...I think I'm about a day away from sick call b/c I'm hurting so bad in my knee and ankle, but I didn't let the doubt take over today even after we ran again after I was already exhausted. I still gave my all. I just don't know if that's enough.

...Do I want this as much as I wanted cheering? How many times did I wanna give up when it hurt? How many times did I doubt myself and think I wasn't good enough to do it? (when I was trying so hard to make varsity squad in high school *editor's add in*)

XXX

#More to come later if I feel like it or have time...feel free to poke and prod at me if you wish...but for those of you who wanted to know: that is what it really feels like as best as I can describe it which still falls significantly short of the actual experience of it, so take it how you will.

rock climbing

Today I went. It was much fun, yes. I got lots of new cool equipment for the dreaded holiday...and today I got to use it. I fell several times on one climb I tried, but it was ok...I didn't get scared this time Jules. :)

Now, I'm sitting around listening to the Social D CD I bought today and drinking a Capt n sprite wondering why I'm not in bed already. Oh yeah, cuz music is more important than sleep.

Not much else to say right now...except I also got a new shirt and several other cds today which rocks! but I also found out that my favorite skirt has disappeared...everybody pay attention. Yes, you too, damn it! I have some sad news: the cute little black shirt that looks like a cheerleader skirt only see-through in places has gone missing from my collection. If anybody sees or hears from it, I miss it dearly and would like it back. Until then, I have no cuteness... *extreme sad face*. Also missing is my black fishnet shirt...though that doesn't feel like as much of a loss since I have another one (different style) and several other see-through shirts...(will not cry over the loss of that as much as the first).

In other notes: Why does my brain always revert back to him when I'm in between things? What does that mean? It was on my mind all day today; I couldn't shake it. Even now, it's there: constantly on my brain (even if only in the very back) but the mood of it, the feeling of it, is ever present. What's so special about him? Plenty of others have treated me better than him (though that is not to say he treated me badly, not by any stretch) and plenty of others have done more for me, gone more out of their way for me. And I've definitely had better sex than with him (again, not to discount that either, cuz a lot of the time it was fucking fabulous with him), wilder sex, much much crazier sex and I've surely had others who actually loved me. All that, and still I can't add it up...anybody else have any ideas? Well that is, if you even know who I'm talking about. If not, general advice will also be accepted. But remember that advice is a two-edged blade...don't expect to give me advice that is valid and that I should respect if you yourself aren't also supposed to listen to it.

Lonely in Nevada

So I hate to say it but the drill sergeants were right, and that sucks. Well, it wasn't really just them, I actually agreed with them when they first said it, but now I have to feel it again: the life we left behind isn't all that great, and that's why we left it behind in the first place. I actually like my Army life better...How fucked up is that? At least there was something to do all the time there...So now it's Christmas Day and all my family members have gone home and my mom had to go back to work and my dad already retreated to his room which leaves me alone and bored...With nothing else to do b/c it's freaking Christmas (otherwise known as a holiday I dislike immensely anyway for it's blatant raping of pagan traditions and disguising the rapes as Christian acts in order to sell more fucking tickle me elmo dolls or whatever fucking stupid toy you have to wait in line for 12 hours to get this year) sidenote: it's also the only fucking day a year when everything is fucking closed! I can't even get a loaf of bread or a cup of coffee or a glass of milk on Christmas...and every fucking show on TV wants to show the "reformed heathen" who now truly appreciates the spirit of Christmas...or who now actually believes in Santa Claus again...It's all crap. Crap I tell you, crap!!! Don't listen to the monkeys inside the TV, they rot your brain! They tried to eat mine tonight so I walked away calmly pretending to put away the holiday feast that was leftover on the table and then casually slipped past it again on my way to the computer room (otherwise known as my nephew's bedroom) ducking low hoping it wouldn't see me go under the wire and try to fire it's nonsense at me again.

ok...Enough of that...and Australia's like WTF?

The point of this rant really was that I'm bored and very lonely...Just like I used to be before I joined the Army...I'm glad I got to see this: my old life is the exact same as when I left it behind, and I did that for a good reason...BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING BORING AS SHIT!!!

I wish I had somebody who cared about me to cuddle up with right now...

And now...for the super honest portion of our show *drumroll please*

*quiet under the breath very fast paced announcer voice (you know like the kind at the end of car commercials on the radio)* Please don't feel obliged to read the next portion of this rant, the things you read may hurt your feelings, tell you too much truth, may not even be true but rather just the rantings for now since I'm on down slope or any combination of the above three choices...read on if you like but please remember that verbal agreements are legally binding in the state of Tennessee and I will hold you at your word in accordance with this agreement.



Why am I lonely? By Angel

I left for basic training with 4 people that I was sorta dating/liked a lot and several other "would-be" lovers that I still contact (i.e. they would still be with me if it weren't for "fill in the blank/rest of story"). I came back for break to find out that one of them I lost to Jody, one of them might have given me something not pleasant, one of them moved to south carolina and one of these piggies stayed home (hehehe). Two of the above I used to really like and now, I'm not so sure about anymore. One of them I'm really happy for: I'm glad that he found somebody that could care about him as much as he wanted me to care for him, and as much as I wanted to be able to care for him if not for certain unfortunate events. But basically, the sum total is that I don't really have any of them anymore. The one that fell away doesn't hurt my heart any because I'm very happy for him, but the ones that are left don't really tug at my heart as much as they used to and I'm not sure if I want them to. I'm not the same person now that I was when I left, and I don't know how to make them understand the me that I've become...and being that I don't really feel like talking to anybody except myself, another obstacle to their understanding rears its ugly head. Actually, that's not entirely true. I really felt the need to talk to Logan (ex-military who barely survived an accident in Iraq and wasn't supposed to ever move or walk again, but is now almost totally recovered) but even when I talked to him I didn't have much to say except....I'm making it through. And I really felt the need to talk to Chris (my ex-trucker friend from Wisconsin who is also ex-military) but there again, I didn't really know what I wanted to say to him except "I'm here, I'm alive, I'm making it through somehow. I finally passed my PT test! I don't know what to say to you." And I really felt the need to talk to Jeremy, but for an entirely different reason than the above two: so I called him, and he answered my call for the first time in almost a year. And I don't really remember what I said to him...but he laughed and he was glad to hear from me and that made me smile. (For those still following who don't know, Jeremy is usually referred to as the man that nobody will ever live up to--sometimes not even him--or the person that I never really got over)

*drinks water* (echo of ds saying, "drink water, that water is like crack, we will be your provider while you're here and you can have as much as you want but when you leave here you'll have to find a new supplier")

He even made a joke about me being the English major who couldn't even describe what it felt like to go through BCT...you just don't wanna talk: that's what it feels like; nothing's wrong with you, you're not upset, you don't need to talk about it...you just plain don't have anything to say, so you stay quiet. "Now you finally understand what I meant all those times...(he didn't have to finish the sentence, I knew "which" times he was referring to--oh god! do I remember the anger and the tears and the "I don't understands" of those moments) Funny huh? The high and mighty English major *mocking* can't find words for it."

At any rate, going through my phone tonight (boredom having taken over, giving way to wanting to have something to do and thus sacrifice my desire to not talk in order to have "something to do") looking for somebody to call, I realized that I didn't really want to call anybody, so I didn't...because the only people that I even thought about calling (Logan, Chris, Jeremy) I had already talked to recently and I either didn't have anything to say to them still or, as in the last case, I didn't want to press my luck. And I only really wanted to call one of them anyhow...guess which one? Thus, I made no phone calls and instead made a journal entry.

I have no butterflies in my life right now...luckily nobody can take away the last one, ever...the big one will always be mine to keep. (I'm talking about the one tattooed on my arm, dumbass!) I only have a few half-assed ones coming from the few remaining "would-be"s...though that is not meant to discount them in any way...I still love my boys, and hearing from those lovies still does give me a little bit of the butterfly feeling...(man, I'm explaining this too much...shut up angel, nobody cares...get to the fucking point already) but I'll have to wait till SomeDay (two capitals, no separation) to have them back again....someday or somewhere outside the walls of this realm in the abyss or maybe sooner. I mean, who knows right? I don't write the freaking future: I just get glimpses of it on occasion.

From the Mind of BCT

Excerpts from my BCT journal will follow. This is just a small attempt to let everybody know how I've changed because of this...and though words don't do the experience justice, I'm sharing some of the actual day to day thoughts of basic training according to me.

07Nov06
...It's odd how withdrawn a person can become in such an environment. The experience is totally different than any other and I feel like I don't wanna talk to anybody about it because I don't think they'll understand. I mean, I can describe the activities and what happens, but I can't describe the way it makes me feel; I can't describe what it really feels like inside when I'm here. You can see it, watch it, read about it, or listen to stories about it, but until you actually do it, you can't fully understand the form of it. But it is worth it, what I'm getting back is worth what I had to give up to do this. I don't think they'll fully break me though because I'm willing to be trained. Like a wild mustang: you may eventually train it to do most of the things you want, you probably won't break its wild spirit; you'll never get to me/it completely. I miss music and mountain dew the most. I don't have much time to miss anything else.

There honestly isn't a lot of time to think here. There isn't really time to miss people or your old life because your day is already so full. There are those who make time to be miserable and continue to think up ways to try to get out but, if you're committed to what you're doing here, you don't have time for all that crap. The only thing I really have time to miss is having spare time, and I miss that about 10 times a day. Hopefully I can get my stomach and arms stronger before I leave because without that, it won't matter if I pass everything else.

08Nov06
...I watched a huge bird today while we were marching to our first aid crash course, I think an eagle but I'm not sure. It drifted up and down on air waves for a long time. It reminded me how free I used to be before this started. It was so majestic to watch, when I saw it I thought, "if only I could film this cuz it truly was one of the most beautiful things I ever saw."...

I like marching though because it gives me quiet time to think. On our road march to Victory Tower, I finally began to understand why they have so many rules in place here and why they organize BCT the way they do. One of these days I' gonna be marching through an area that may not be safe and may have people trying to kill my buddies and myself and one mistake by anybody, even an honest one, could get everybody killed. One little detail forgotten in a combat situation could lead to disaster. I don't think that concept has sunk in yet with the rest of them, but hopefully soon it will.

More to come later...