Back in the Habit

No, I'm not becoming a nun! Just get that outta ya head.

I'm too evil for that...I gave in last night to my baser urges, and I'm kinda mad at myself for it today. I had been trying to avoid doing the things that I know are "bad" for me lately...but I guess, one step at a time is easier. I actually did give up smoking: this Friday will make 19 weeks. I have cut myself down to only drinking 2 cans of mountain dew a day. I have increased myself by taking vitamins and drinking a hella lot more water than I had been.

Today I began running...again! I ran so hard today that my lungs actually started to hurt. Could have been the slight chill in the air too, but who knows.

But it's very difficult to give up the other two things that I do that I think are "bad" for me...ironcially enough, they were the two things that I thought it would be easier to let go of, but apparently because I'm not "technically" addicted to them (read: I'm not physically addicted), they are much harder to shake. And here I thought giving up smoking and caffeine would be the harder things to give up. Turns out, I was wrong--not to say that quitting smoking was easy, because boy, it WAS NOT!!! but comparatively speaking, that was easier. I think the reason is simply that I have to constantly remind myself not to smoke or drink too much pop (yes, I'm from the west coast...it's POP!! damnit!), whereas with drinking and sex it's not a constant temptation; it's only an occasional one.

Thus, it's much easier to think you've given up something that is only an occasional temptation because you can go really long periods of time without really "craving" it than it is to actually give it up. Further, it's much easier to see that you've given up some addiction when it presents the "craving" hourly or daily.

Brief Update from MY World.

To anybody who reads this, sorry I haven't been blogging lately. This is a busy week for me. My friends have come back from Iraq, and I'm trying to spend time with them and the day is quickly approaching when I will no longer be in my own apt anymore, so I'm also trying to spend time with many other people that I won't get to see for quite some time. Perhaps later on this week, I will have enough time to write some more good stories for everybody to enjoy. This week probably will not slow down for me though, as I have to get ready for my garage sale this weekend--getting rid of most of my stuff before I trek off to Basic.

Saying Goodbye to some of my favorite possessions, cutting ties with the physical so that I can ascend to my place among the spiritual forces in my life. Finally, I will be following the path that the gods laid down for me so long ago. The beginning of the end is here, and I must move along so that I can learn how to play my part in it. Training begins soon, and I must prepare myself for it emotionally and physically.

Saying Farewell to my friends who I will not see for a good long while, and some of them, never again. Sad as it is to say that, I know it's true. It begins now, finally. Finally, I'm ready to do what the gods have been telling me to do for years now.

The chain of events leading to this path started many, many, many years ago....long before I was born into this body. The catalyst for the current path that forced it to begin in this lifetime occurred several years ago.

Prophets have seen things of this nature for centuries...and perhaps, they were right all those years ago.

It has already begun, and I can do nothing now except go along with it. I got on this train thousands of years ago, perhaps soon, the train will stop and I can get off and look around. Faster and faster the train goes, always speeding up, rushing toward the end of the line. I am on the train, always enjoying the ride.

Happy Day!!!

Two of my really good friends got back from Iraq today! I'm very excited. Hopefully I can bribe somebody into coming to get me tonight so that I can go out and party with them. Hint Hint.

Rain Again

Last night at about 3:30 am, the rain was so loud it woke up. Mostly it was because I wasn't sleeping too deeply anyhow, but partly because I think it wanted me to go play in it. So I did. I got up out of bed, watched it out the window for a while. Saw how quiet it made everything; watched it rushing over the green of the tennis courts. Then, I thought about opening the back door and just letting the sound wash through the house, but then I remembered the weird guy I saw walking around the tennis courts for like an hour earlier in the evening, and decided against it. Instead, I just put back on the clothes I wore earlier to go play in the rain, and went back outside.

The rain clung to my hair and arms. I raised my hands high into the air and looked up, letting the rain directly hit my face and eyes, and spun around a few times. It was interesting, and refreshing...but I didn't stay at it very long. I didn't go walk around the neighborhood in it, like I wanted to because the darkness was watching. It's hard to do what you want when you're afraid: and I was a little afraid of it. Inside my house I'm fine, and during the day, I'm fine. But at night, at night is when I'm afraid of IT again. I know I shouldn't be, but it's difficult not to fear that which can do most anything and is not, like a god, looking out for the best interest of me or the world. So, it drove me back inside quicker than I would have liked...but it did not keep me from going out into the rain.

I love the rain! I love the smell of it; I love the energy of it. I can feel it in my heart when it's about to storm really good. I don't know why. There's something so pure about watching the rain, or just standing out in the rain and not running from it, just letting it wash over you. Everybody laughs at little kids for playing in puddles, but I think it's because most adults have forgotten how fun it can be to just stomp in a big puddle; letting the dirty water splash up around you.

Good Idea for a Great Cause

So okay, I don't like to promote other people's causes very often, but this is a good one....pay attention partygirl, you might like it.

There is a guy on live journal who is helping his friend raise money for breast cancer research, but the way he's going about it is very interesting. He calls it "Racks for research" and basically he wants to celebrate his birthday coming up by seeing breasts, and he has agreee to donate $1.00 per "rack" that is posted on his livejournal up to 100 girls to breast cancer foundation research. This post is not for the public, the only people who will be able to see the breasts are those who post a picture, or those who also make a donation to the research fund.

To the donators: you can either donate per rack, and you can have a maximum amount preset, or you can make a flat donation.

To the "racks": you don't have to give him a naked breast shot, in a tank top/corset/bikini top/bra, etc. is fine...but it has to actually be of your own breasts. Naked shots would also be welcome, I assume. Also, the girls who agree to particpate do not have to donate money themselves, but they are still free to do so.

So c'mon ladies! Let's give a guy a happy birthday and help breast cancer research in the process...the last time I checked, there were donations up to $10.00 per "set" posted. You know you have a pic of your breasts around somewhere that you can share to help out Breast Cancer.

C'mon guys! Don't ya wanna see some breasts? You can donate as much as you want per "set" or as little as you want...a quarter per set, a dime per set, whatever...

Get all the info and post pics and donations here: http://drjeff.livejournal.com/1334772.html

start clicking...also, here's the livejournal account home page which shows the updates about this fundraiser http://drjeff.livejournal.com/

Rainy Autumn Day

It rained today. It just recently stopped. I think it started sometime really late last night, and continued through most of the day today. It was a beautiful rain, the kind that brings all sorts of energy with it. And since I really needed a "recharge" I went out and played in it this afternoon...it was no longer pouring anymore--which is my absolute favorite time to play in the rain--but it was still raining enough to soak my hair and face. I stomped in some puddles and kicked water around on the tennis court next to my apt. Some kids were just getting home from school and were rushing home to avoid getting wet; and there's me, getting wet on purpose. I even considered going swimming in the pool while it was raining, but I changed my mind.

Practically overnight, the season has changed. It is now Autumn and the leaves that I never saw even change color are already starting to be all over the ground outside. Bright yellow and now wet from the fresh rain, they make a patchwork blanket of beauty on the grass outside my windows. The maple hasn't started its descent yet, but I'm sure it will soon, adding orange and red to the quilt that is currently only yellow and green.

Just as the rain stopped about half hour ago, I heard a loud thumping noise that kept repeating. Not knowing what it was, I tried to ignore it, but it continued. Finally, I realized that it was not, as I originally suspected, my upstairs neighbor, but rather a small child playing outside. He was wearing "moon shoes". They probably call them something different now, but they were called moon shoes when I was a kid. I loved those things, though I never had a pair of my own; I only got to use my friends' sometimes. We couldn't afford moon shoes in my family because they were rather expensive back then.

But this small blonde-headed boy was hopping around in his moon shoes today. He seemed so excited about them too. It was very cute. I can almost see him inside his house, waiting by the door with his moon shoes in hand, hoping that the rain will stop soon so that he can go out and play. "Mom, why can't I play with them inside? Please mom!" But mothers always say no to things like that: something might get broken.

The little boy fell down once; it is still very wet on the tennis courts, and the shoes slipped out from under him. But he just got back up and kept hopping about. What a trooper! He didn't cry or anything. But then, after about 20 minutes, he got bored I guess, and went back inside the house. That's the thing about new toys: they are only really fun until you've played with it for a while, and realize that the commercial lied about "how" much fun they were. Back to the house he went to, I assume play with some other toy--one that's allowed inside.

I miss moon shoes, moon shoes and getting brand new toys on Christmas and birthdays. It was always so much fun to get new toys that you had been waiting for, for soooo long! Very little gets me as excited anymore as those new toys used to as a kid. But maybe that's because it's a different kind of excitement. Presents to a small child has very little that can compare in the adult world. Does anybody else remember moon shoes? Or popples? I used to love popples.

100 post-day

For my 100th post, I would like to say thanks. Thanks to the gods for the blessings in my life...thanks for teaching me and showing me what I need to know.

Church service this morning had a communion...which I dearly respect. However, communion days always make me feel unworthy of being alive and unworthy of partaking in the blessing of the sacrifice. It always makes me want to fast...and if I knew in advance of communion days, I would fast--to cleanse myself to make ready to ask for the blessings of gifts from the gods.

But today, though I did feel unworthy as usual and I thought that perhaps I should fast, I realized that God didn't want me to, or need me to. Today the communion was supposed to teach me something. It was supposed to teach me that I have the gift of healing and the gift of sight because I am worthy of it, because I do believe--or rather, because the gods knew that eventually in my life I would find my belief.

These things I am able to see and feel that nobody else does are sometimes a menace because nobody believes me...but that's kinda like the gods out there in their non-human realm, just because somebody doesn't believe, that doesn't change the reality of the situation.

God (whether you wanna call it Isis, or Ra, or Diana, or Jehovah, or Jesus) really does grant the believers with eternal life...now, I, personally, do not believe that this eternal life is in heaven: I think eternal life is given on earth to the believers, to those who truly have faith in that which cannot be seen. And the gods grant gifts to those who are given this eternal life...gifts that nobody else can comprehend.

For those of my friends who have the gifts...let me ask a question of you who say you don't believe in the gods or a higher spirit. What good would it do the gods to give a gift to somebody who wouldn't know how to use it? What good would it do for the gods to put somebody in your life to help you learn how to use it, if you don't listen to their teachings? Why would the gods give out "belief-based" gifts to non-believers? I don't think they would. It takes a tremendous leap of faith and belief to understand how to use and learn from the unseen gifts...why would the gods grant that gift to somebody who would never believe in it? People who aren't willing to make a leap on belief alone would not be given such gifts. Though others might not understand, though others may ridicule us for what we say we know because they do not know, though we may not understand why we've been chosen to see and do what we can see and do, and though we ourselves may never understand the full scope of what we've been given and what we can do with it, I learned one thing today and I wanted to pass it along: We were given these gifts because the gods knew that we would believe even if nobody else does.

The others can't understand, no matter how much we try to explain it to them...they can't understand because the gods have not given them the gift. And maybe, just maybe, they weren't given the gift because they don't really believe. Saying you believe and actually feeling that belief in you, are two very totally different things. They ridicule because they don't understand, and they don't understand because they weren't given the gifts from the gods. Take their ridicule as a compliment to your faith, because they weren't given the gift that you were.

No wonder so many people were burned in the Salem Witch trials...maybe the Puritans were jealous. Jealous of something they couldn't understand, because though they claimed to be in God's favor, perhaps they were not.

< /preachy rant >

Thank you for listening.

And thank you god for letting me make it home on foot, just minutes before the rain started pouring down.

Bright New Day-3 (PMB)

"How do I begin again? How can I? Can I?" I asked myself at various points in the evening. I didn't know how afraid I was until the topic of our conversation turned to how much we liked each other. He said something to the effect that he thought I was somebody that he could really like a lot...and what did I think about it?

"What do I think?!? I think you're the most interesting person I've met since Wisconsin...I think you're one of the most interesting people I've met in my life...I think I could really like you a lot, almost too much for my own good, and that scares me...I think I could like you much more than..."

But instead, I said, "I'm not sure I should answer that question...because what I want to say and what I'm thinking, are things I've said before to other people and the relationship turned out horribly. It's almost like I don't wanna jinx it by saying how I really feel about it. Cuz every other time I've said something similar to somebody, it always turned out just terrible..."

"Ok, I can understand that..." he paused. His look was asking if what I was thinking about saying was negative, but then his face changed into a very thoughtful look; his eyes piercing into my energy again. And then he knew it wasn't negative. So he slipped me a very knowing half-smile, while he was turning his head away from me..."but do ya at least like me at all?" he asked with just a touch of teasing and mocking in his voice.

He wanted me to say it; he actually has to hear me say it, huh?

"Just a touch of ego," I thought. "A touch of ego isn't always a bad thing."

"Yes..." long pause, "I do," I barely whispered as I slid into the booth next to him. I was watching him closely as he smiled away right next to me, but not looking at me. He was turned slightly to talk to his friend. His smile and his playfulness with me about whether or not I liked him, his feigned non-interest in me after I said I did like him: it was too much; I realized, just then, that I wanted to kiss him. That was the first time all night that I had thought that: "I really do wanna kiss him right now."

And almost as if he could hear the thought coming from me, he turned towards me at that exact second and gazed into my eyes still smiling, but then his eyes turned downward towards my lips. He searched my expression for a sign, and then moved his hand toward my face. Very slowly his hand approached. I didn't know what he was going to do, but I didn't stop him. He very delicately placed his hand on my cheek, his thumb just under my eye and the rest of his fingers barely grazing my hair and my ear: I giggled a bit because my ears are very sensitive. Then he gently scratched his fingertips through my hair until his hand rested on the back of my head. His touch was so gentle, so intimate, almost loving: my whole body shivered with that one movement of his hand. And even though I had closed my eyes just a bit when the pleasure washed over me, I somehow knew that he was still gazing intently at me. He was watching my reaction to him, and he was watching it very closely: it intrigued him. He wanted more, but did not move in to kiss.

"He wants me to lean in first, I guess: gentlemanly of him, respectful...but it means I have to be the brave one tonight if I want to kiss him."

Then his hand dropped down abruptly and I opened my eyes again to find that he had quickly turned and slid down toward his friend at the other end of our semi-circular booth. They were whispering something. When he moved back down toward my end of the booth, I didn't have to ask. I knew. He needed a ride home now; the excuse was irrelevant. But I discovered that it was more than just that: his friend and the girl his friend wanted to take home also needed rides.

"Sure, no problem," I sighed. "Good thing I stopped drinking at 12:30," I thought.

.........................................................
But all of that happened before we started dancing. The dance and the kiss were near the end of our evening out together.

Soon after our dance, it was time to go; my friend was trying to start a fight with the new girl that I was now taking home and the bartenders had just announced last call. "Yep, definitely time to go," I thought.

I didn't have a car nearly large enough for the number of people I was taking home, but we made it work somehow and eventually made it to the first stop. While I was driving, he and I were talking about everything: life, music, beliefs, what activities we each liked doing, and even a touch of religion.

I'll never forget that he said at one point, "Well that's why I stopped going to church...because of the difference between belief and faith." I smiled as if I were seeing him for the time..."Oh, really?" my Eyes asked.

"But that's a long story," he continued. "I'll explain it to you sometime."

I was still thinking about this, about how maybe I had found somebody, finally, who might actually agree with my view on religion and spirituality, when it happened. How refreshing! I was deep into wondering what all the intricacies of his beliefs could actually be when we hit the road block.

I saw a bunch of blue and red lights ahead from both sides of the road. It looked to be about 6 police cars all in the same area: the area I had to go through to get my friend home. "Reeaalllly good thing, I stopped drinking earlier," I thought.

"What is that?" he asked.

"Looks like a road block to check for drunk drivers."

"Well yeah, that's what it looks like, but you weren't supposed to say that. You were supposed to lie to me."

"And tell you what?" but the officer was already at my window by then.

"Good evening," the officer began.

"Hi...How are you?" I said a bit nervously, handing him the documents he had already begun to ask for.

"So what we're doing here is just stopping everybody to see if everybody's ok to get home."

"Yes officer, I'm fine to get home...I'm just taking these two home."

He shined his flashlight into my car, and examined Boy in the passenger seat, and flashed the light at my friend in the backseat who was totally passed out by this point.

"He have a little too much tonight?" he asked pointing toward my friend in the back.

"Yes, sir...I believe so, but that's why I'm driving and not him," I laughed a bit.

"And you...have you had anything to drink tonight?"

"A lot earlier..."

Confused face, "You had a lot earlier, or it was a lot..."

I cut him off. "It was a lot earlier..."

"Ah, well how many would you say you had?" suspicious look creeping into his face.

"I had a couple beers, like two, and a glass of champagne. But I'm sober now."

"Well," still suspicious. "When do you think your last drink was?"

"...well I started the champagne at midnight for the toast, and was finished by probably 12:30 or so."

"And you didn't have anything else after that."

"No sir."

"Humm...well your license still has a few points on it..."

"So...uh?"

The officer was glancing about at the other cars around us: in front, behind and next to us; assessing which people he might actually catch in the act. Then he began again...

"You know you're the only one so far tonight who has admitted to having had anything to drink."

"Yes, sir...well, I figured, why lie? If you didn't believe me, you'd just give me the test anyways...I might as well just admit that I did have something to drink. Especially since that was several hours ago... and I know it's not still affecting my body."

"You really stop drinking at 12ish?"

"Well, somebody had to sir, otherwise we might not have gotten home safe tonight...and since my friends had no intention of stopping...I did."

"Alright...well..." still unwilling to let me go because I had actually admitted to drinking, "You seem to be ok, I'm not gonna give you the test..just be safe," as he handed me back my important documents.

"Thank you." And we drove off. Both of us were very relieved.

"Man, I'm glad now that you did stop drinking," he breathed out. "You really lucked out."

"Yeah, me too...but I figured there were gonna be road blocks tonight...there usually are on New Year's in this town."

Then before long, we had dropped off my friend, with quite a bit of dramatic effort, at his house. Then, next thing I knew, there we were sitting outside his "Community Living Establishment" (I'm hesitant to use the real word here) in my car: both wondering what to say or do next. Awkward movements and shuffling, both wondering what to say; should we say anything at all?

I think he did say something, but I don't remember what it was; it didn't matter, I wasn't listening anymore: I was just staring at his lips again, wanting to kiss him again.

Before long we were kissing again, though I don't know who began this round. There we were deep into the consuming, passionate kissing that couldn't possibly have happened in front of other people. It was the kind of kissing that was so sexual that little moans and deep breaths and small whimpers were escaping from both our lips at various points. My hands at the back of his neck again; his arms engulfing me and pulling me across the center console towards him.

Then abruptly, I stopped it; I forced him away, gasping for breath, trying to focus. During the kissing, my head had begun to become very fuzzy and I couldn't think straight anymore: I was slipping into a place very far away but so real it was nearly tangible. So I stopped it, trying to maintain control of a situation that I don't think could have been controlled no matter what I might have tried. "But I can't lose control like this again...I can't!" I looked at him as I thought this and the look in his eyes said that he was experiencing a slightly fuzzy head as well, but was not as desperate as I, to try and control it; he was not at all intent, like me, to make the swirling stop.

"What was it I was seeing before? What could it have been? It was so familiar...and I could almost see it happening...what was it?" I thought while still trying to catch my breath and slow my heart. I was desperately grasping at the feeling of his kiss, trying to remember what I saw.

I don't remember what happened next, I don't remember what he said to me. My brain was still swimming, but I remember wanting more of whatever-it-was he was giving me; always more. I craved it like I had never craved anything in my life. And somehow, he talked me into coming inside, though I'll be damned if I can remember what exactly he said that eventually led to me agreeing. It must have been something brilliant because, at that time I was already past the point in my life of "casual encounters" and had no intention of sleeping with him that night. But still he got me to agree.

He must have been witty or convincing or something; I can't remember which. But I guess I must have agreed, because when my head finally stopped being as convoluted, I remember that we were walking up the path to his building and into his room.

**Author's note: "And the show must go on...and so it shall..." Tonight is not the night to finish this story though...but another installment is now complete.**

I miss me--The illogical post

"Sometimes I wish she was you....I guess we never really moved on"

I went out to the club tonight, and it was loads of fun...new pictures to come soon. Tonight was the kind of night that I used to remember "back when".

"and yes I dreamt of you too."

Back when I was really into the scene and knew everybody and spent the whole night talking to a bunch of different groups of people. My ride wanted to leave early, but that's ok with me.

"But girl you make it hard to be faithful"

She was tired and I don't blame her a bit...and I get to be home early enough to still go to sleep a bit buzzed. I like that.

"It's really good to hear your voice saying my name it sounds so sweet."

I went to the club with 20 dollars and came home with a buzz and still having some of that money left...it was a good night.

"with the lips of an angel.....honey why you calling me soooo late?"

The cute bartender I was hitting on two weeks ago called me a cock tease though, which I thought was very funny. Cuz that's not really my MO at all! oh well, his loss. I know i'm somewhat of a tease, but I only tease until it's not any fun anymore...

"reach out and touch faith..."

But I'm leaving soon to go the Army, I don't have time for a fucking relationship....unless they're willing to move to california for me...probably won't be happening anytime soon though so yeah...pretty much

"now and again we try to just stay alive..."

all I'm looking for is just somebody to sleep with, cuddle with, and possibly have sex with for a very short period of time...so I've apparently met a guy who isn't ok with that...who also called me a cock tease...I can't figure this out...

"maybe we'll turn it around because it's not too late, it's never too late."

oh well...there are plenty of other "interested parties" that I can play around with until I leave for basic.

(This song reminds me of AJ--always has, probably always will--Apotheosis, "O, Fortuna!" I can't quote it cuz it's in another language...I think italian, but I'm not sure)

And my friend that picked me up tonight looked soooo hoott!!! I really wanted to just do her on the dancefloor, but alas, that would be poor taste and really bad manners.

My camera works again...I bought a new battery and took more pics tonight...still have some left on the roll to shoot off before I can get it, and the other 4 rolls floating around my house developed. I'm so bad about getting film developed...some of those rolls are from when I still lived in wisconsin...oh well...they are all memories and memories are better left to be remembered at a later date, that's the way I see it...

"where have i gone, we've come so far, well i've been headed nowhere."

That's why I like having prints. I can keep them around for very long periods of time to prove where I've been...but if those have changed, then I'll be very disturbed...and until just now I hadn't considered the possibility that they might have changed that too.

"as if you're still there...There is no sense in crying"

I guess I'll check that tomorrow...don't worry, I'll remember...cuz it makes me wonder...with all the other things that have changed, have they tried to change my memories as well? Is it possible to do that even? They have obviously turned several other people I know into pods...changing what they thought they "might have known" into something real again.

"Back away from the place where my ashes are buried...don't you worry they won't find my body..."

The moon has been a full blood moon for 3 days...very few other people have noticed this...at 11 30 on wednesday night the moon was full...and bill saw it too...tonight it was still full. I "somehow knew" on wednesday that it was full several days too soon...but couldn't prove it. My friend that drove me tonight is taking an astronomy class right now and apparently, the moon was the fullest that it ever is during a whole year on wednesday night...ironic? I think not.

"I walk the world for you, babe, 8,000 miles for you..."

But tonight, it was still full. How do normal people not see things like this? The physical reality around them is doing very bizarre and strange things.

"with a rebel yell, she cried more, more more oh yeah a little baby she want more."

and somehow they haven't seen it yet...or at all for that matter. And they probably never will.

How do I learn to deal with this? When only 3 people that I know have seen the same things as me and also know that the physical reality is changing into something that it had never been before, how do I learn to cope?

"this pain is just to real, there's just too much that time cannot erase."

(Stupid IM people...i hate them...why do they insist on bothering me when I'm writing?)

"I'd fight away all of your fears, and i've held yoru hand thought all of these years, but you still have ....all of me..."

How do the "others" cope? Have their memories been wiped? What really happened? That's the question that I really can't get over...What the fuck!!! really!!!! happened on Tuesday?!?!?! The only saving grace I have, the only hope that I can cling to is that I know I haven't gone totally insane because....I'm not the only one who has noticed.

"hell bent to run in that local marathon, he trained through the endless pain and pills....it hurt so bad that sometimes he just had to cry..."

At least I'm not alone...this time, I'm not the only one who noticed...thank god for my friends...REALLY, THANK GOD!!! I'm so glad that I have those friends in my life who can tell me, sometimes when I need it..."No, you're not crazy...I see it too."

"Good, cuz I was startin' to worry."

"The good lord gave us mountains so we can learn how to climb...."

The dark thing that surrounded my apt last night is now, at least, only outside my apartment. My friend who dropped me off noticed it too...and didn't want me to stay here, but I didn't have much choice. I've gotten it out of my apt, I told her, I know that. But I can't get it to go away totally...I think not having it in my own space is about the best I can do...

"always confusing the thoughts in my head, so I can't trust myself anymore."

and yes, it's very powerful...i know dear. Neither of us knows what it is...but neither of us is okay with it...good, at least I wasn't freaking out about nothing last night.

"I, died again....I'm going under."

At least that much was true.

"I'm falling forever, I've got to break through."

At least, tonight it's not in my apt anymore...at least I got it to move that far back...thank you gods for helping me.

(Incubus Succubus, Instrumental portion of cover, "Paint it black."---very very powerful)

Gods, I hate those stupid people who think I want to talk to them all night on IM...I don't!!! Unless you're somebody really important or are really far away (read:Iraq), I DO NOT want to stay up all night to talk to you...go away. But I'm not that rude...I like to make statements that, to me, make them look very stupid for continuing the conversation but which they won't likely pick up on....it's much funnier to me if I'm calling them stupid and they don't even get it...I think that's the only reason I put up it...

"I don't wanna talk about it...how you broke my heart...if i stay here just a little bit longer...if i stay here won't you listen to my heart?"

it amuses me sometimes...heh. Cuz it's really funny to me to be making fun of people who don't know I'm making fun of them....

"Nowhere girl...you're living in a dream..."

Ok, this is where the post ends...and maybe if I care enough later...I'll document all the songs I quoted, but perhaps not...but, just as a note, almost everything in quotes was from the song I was listening to while writing this post....i typed the parts that played when I stopped to think again...this is my normal thought process for anybody who cares...

"tastes so good make a grown man cry, sweet cherry pie."

These changes

The changes on the wind are getting larger and more obvious and apparent as time progresses. I had to watch the changes on Tuesday, and I'm not sure that I'm ok with the whole scenario. They're bigger this time...way more obvious. Much harder to explain them away when I notice them. However, it is very difficult to prove because most everybody else has already had their memory wiped and the hard copies of things have already disappeared. Places that I should have been able to find the information to prove that something was amiss aren't there anymore. Either the information has been totally deleted, or it has been changed already.

Things that are amiss to me though probably not to anybody else:

Peter Frampton just came out with a new album.
My favorite pictures on the internet have totally disappeared as have their original websites.
Today I tried to tell another friend about it, and the messages appeared to send but never got through to him.
It was very very cloudy on Tuesday, but only for about 40 minutes.
A plane, a bus and a boat all crashed on Tuesday.
My friend in Wisconsin got into an accident recently.
A guy who was coming to pick me up on Tuesday night got into an accident on his way over here.
I was irrationally angry about not having a car again on Tuesday night.
Something is watching me, even now.
Something will probably happen to me when I try to post this.


I'm struggling to find a sane way to deal with all this crap, especially since precious few people believe me. I know too much some days...today is one of those days. Normally my defense against getting caught up in the swirls is to logically prove myself right and prove the other wrong. But the more I tried to prove things that I knew were true last night and today, the more the information stacked against me. Again, I'm at a point in my life where I can't prove what's real and what isn't, or what "shouldn't be" real. I know that I'm not going to find even one shred of evidence that supports what I know is real, and that really fucking sucks! Whatever is helping cover up this "magical realm change" (that's what I'm gonna call it so that nobody thinks I'm talking about weird political crap or some other nonsense) has done such a thorough job that I can't even find a back door to the information I need.

Then the thing that I know have to realize: This is the reality now, even if it wasn't the reality two days ago. I can't do anything about this change, I can't stop it from happening again, I can't make it go back to the way it was. I have to accept that this is the real reality, even if it isn't. And it's not! Otherwise, if I don't learn to just "deal with it" I'll go nuts again. Magic is hard enough to prove to people who don't believe, and even that only usually happens with some sort of proof that other people can check. But where there is no proof, the truth cannot be seen.

Artists use lies to expose the truth. Today is a new day! A blind man sees no changes in the sky or the world, but he can feel them. How much longer is the rest of the world gonna be blind? When will they finally realize that all they need do is take off the fucking blinders and look around?!?! I can't believe the normal people didn't notice this time...I don't blame them for the other times because I barely noticed...but this time........

"There is no use in dying, when still I seem to be undone. There is no use in trying to find again the love of someone. Where have I gone? and come so far. Well, I've been headed nowhere. I have been walking quite a while alone, feeling lonesome."

"Don't you worry they won't find my body. I want you to know I've found peace in another world. Don't you dig in I want you to leave. Back away from the place where my ashes are buried."

"I still can hear you breathing as if you'd never gone away. I still can feel your touch your tenderness as if you're still there. There is no sense in crying only liquid running from my eyes. And all the feeling I restrained above remained as that survived."

"Don't you worry they won't find my body. I want you to know I've found peace in another world. Don't you dig in I want you to leave. Back away from the place where my ashes are buried." --Beborn Beton, "Another World."

How appropriate that this song is playing now on my player.

The Darkness Is Here!

This is a continuation of a post I had a long time ago...several months, I'm sure. Though I'm not going to link it because right now, I don't care that much to think ahead.

At any rate, I posted a quote about the darkness before about "what will you do when the darkness comes for you?"

Well, tonight it came for me...

Balance...fucking balance...always harmony, that's my way, that's my will, that's my path in this crazy weird world.

So tonight the darkness came for me, even in the company of some very strong friends...and I didn't know what to say. I'm afraid to sleep, because I don't know in my heart (not my head) what my answer is. My head knows what the truth is, but my heart won't accept it. And I'm not sure I'm willing to accept the whole of my world and the whole of what I'll be expected to do later; the whole of my role in this whole "pre-planned scenario", without it giving back to me what I need. Anybody who knows me really well will know what I mean by this...only one thing do I need to go on and do whatever is expected of me.

But a very powerful friend brought up an interesting point tonight...do I only do what I'm expected to do because the darkness consumes me when I don't get what I need, when I don't get the only thing I'd need to keep on truckin'? Am I destined to not get what I need from this battle? Is that the only reason I do what I know I should do for this cause?

Most of my life has been in the light...maybe it's right, maybe it's time for the darkness to rule me for a while. I hate even saying that...and after even typing it, I'm not sure that I'll hit the post button.

But still I will, mostly because I suspect that those who read my blog, mostly, don't even really know what I'm talking about to begin with. Oh well...it's already too late, I fear, if you don't know what I'm talking about to try and find out.

...Sorry about the bad luck on that one....





**Author's note: I may soon post a link to the other previous posts that related to the darkness taking over...but I may not.**

Very Bored

I am quite sad tonight...and very bored. I tried everything to get out of the house for the evening...and nothing worked...so I guess I'll just go to bed and hope I don't wake up as sad as I am right now...Tomorrow is a new day.

So much interest

I am sitting here at my computer, drinking a very disgusting beer, but it's all I have cold right now. The world changed again tonight, and I wish I could say more than that, but if I did people would just think I was fucking insane...and normally it happens when I'm not looking, and I just explain it away, rationalize it out of existence, but tonight it changed while I was fucking watching! So that's a little bolder than the changes have been lately, and it's a little odd to me at the same time. If I had any company right now, I'd probably be doing shots to try and forget...but alas, I'm alone and doing shots by myself seems like alcoholism...and nobody wants that.

At any rate, there seems to be a lot of interest in a previous post...which makes me want to delete it even more. I'm really not in any turmoil over it, it's not causing me pain right now, I just suspect that it will later if it goes to the same level when I see him that it has every other time I've seen him.

About the butterflies...the reason I have a tattoo of a butterfly on my arm is to remind myself that the butterfly feeling in my life makes me into a crazy person. I become somebody that I don't know at times...I become jealous and domineering; basically I become the typical woman! Sidenote: anybody else ever noticed that cheap beer only tastes good when it comes right from the bottle? Right now I'm drinking the beer out of a glass, but not because I'm anal about drinking out of a cup--usually I only drink good beer from a glass--but because the beer bottles smelled like cigarette smoke...don't know how that happened but I couldn't keep drinking it without smelling smoke and I'm an ex-smoker. At any rate, I just realized that pouring cheap beer into a nice beer glass makes it taste even worse than normal...sorry...sidenote ends. Anyhow...butterflies...the tattoo. Yeah, it's there to remind me that the butterflies make me crazy and to keep myself in check when I feel that feeling. And when I say butterflies I don't mean just the anxious, nervous stomach feeling...when I say "butterflies" I mean something much more beautiful than stomach issues...I'm referring to the giddy excited feeling that overtakes my whole energy. I get a huge rush and excitement fills my whole being. Very few people make me feel the butterflies like this...the other kind, that was so accurately portrayed in a comment as the anxiousness almost never overtake me...at any rate, I'm not referring to that kind of butterfly effect. heh.

So I'm fine. Really. And for those others who read, mostly the please don't be angry with me statements were directed at the person who actually knows personally what this has done to me over the past year...she would be the one who would want to condemn me for it...though I know she might never outright say, "I told ya so," she might still feel inclined to warn me against it for my own good. She'd do it, because I've been doing the same thing for her over the past year that she's had it happen to her with another person.

Yes, I know how bad it would be for me, and yes I do know that there are plenty of other people out there, and I've been seeing plenty of them in the past few months and enjoying it thoroughly. Even I didn't think I was still subject to his "spell" but I wrote that post the other day because I realized that I still am. But I'm not dumb, I know to be careful...we stopped talking the last time because I stopped calling when he wasn't giving me what I wanted. So believe me, I know what I'm doing, but I've been on this train for a good long while and I can't get off until it's actually my stop...I thought that my stop came a few months ago, but I was wrong. I can't avoid the power of the speeding train, I never could...until it crashes or stops for good, I never stop believing the best. That's me.

So please, believe me I will be looking out for my best if I do see him again...and I'm not even totally sure that that will even happen. He often says he wants to do things and then at the last minute, he cancels...so we'll see if it even happens at all. I have to fight all my own battles to through till the end. Nobody can do that for me. Please don't be afraid for me. Understand that I will not let him back into my life this time without serious explanations, and they'll have to be good to overcome what I have in my brain already about him. I know what could come, but I'm still willing to give him another chance...if nothing else, I'm very forgiving and always the optimist: always a cheerleader for love.

Beautiful Day!

I wish I could take a picture of today, of the way it looks when I stare out my living room windows so that I could share it with you...but I can't.

It's a nice bright sunny day with a slight breeze, my favorite kind of day. It's sunny, but not too hot. The breeze is just enough to cool off the slight heat of the sun bearing down on you. No signs of rain or cold ahead in the sky. Scampering bugs skitter across my porch, I watch them in wonderment. They are so free; they seem so utterly happy. The caterpillar that I had to put outside early this morning is now inching his way around the debris that the wind pushed onto the concrete over the past few weeks. Where is he going? What do these bugs do with the rest of their day? When they aren't hanging around my back door, I can't help but wonder what else they do.

Today makes me wish I had a car again, even if only for a short time. I love to be out and about on days like this. I would love to go the park today and just spend my day relaxing in the sunshine, or casually swinging on the swing set. I'd love to get a bunch of friends together today and play volleyball in the sand. My apartment complex has a sand volleyball court but, alas, I don't have any friends who live in this complex.

This is the perfect day for a picnic in the park. A day perfect for sitting on a bench under an oak tree and watching squirrels hop around from branch to branch overhead. A day perfect for laying on a blanket in a grassy field and reading a good book in perfect peace and quiet. This is the kind of day that reminds me of climbing trees in the woods behind my house as a kid; that makes me wanna climb trees again.

What is it that's so much fun about climbing a tree? Do I find it interesting because it feels like something that can't be done and thus, I try to prove the theory wrong? Or is it man's need to try to "conquer nature" by reaching the top of something so majestic and natural? I wonder...because climbing a tree doesn't have quite the same effect on my spirit as climbing a mountain or climbing a huge rock face. There's something so child-like about climbing a tree. It's an activity, like splashing in rain puddles, that nobody expects adults to do.

In the park in downtown, there's several really huge Magnolia trees that I had always seen and thought about climbing but never thought I would actually do it. Until one day, well night--it was night--I was on a date and we were walking through that park and I mentioned how much fun it might be to climb the really big one near the entrance of the park, and so he and I did just that. It wasn't much fun as I remember it having been when I was young to climb that tree, because once we got up high we got bored with it. However, we were giggling and laughing the whole time we were climbing like third graders on a merry-go-round. The climbing was really fun, and neither of us could stop giggling. And then, as we sat perched on our branches and looked out at the city...it was overwhelming. The lights and the cars going by and the people walking, all of it so far below us and no one or nothing even suspected that there might be others watching them. That was very humbling and somehow very calming. You just never know who might be watching you.

Yes, today is a day that makes me think about climbing trees, or picking buckets and buckets of blackberries with my friends when I was young. The day seems to be what a perfect late-summer day should be: Sunny, Happy, Calm, with a slight breeze, and childhood memories being whispered to me by the leaves of the trees. Perhaps a perfect day to be followed by a perfect late-summer night rendezvous; a day that leaves hope in its wake and shakes fear and pain off like droplets of water from a shiny, smooth leaf.

Bucking Futterflys: otherwise known as the f%$# post.

Fuck! How can I be so fucking stupid? What the fuck is wrong with me? I must really be a masochist. I never thought I was one, but I guess I am.

"Hi, I'm Angel...and I think I'm addicted to heartache."

"Hi...Angel."

I am so fucking mad at myself right now...when am I gonna learn my fucking lesson? Never? Yep, probably never. I thought I was over all this bull shit, but I guess I'm still addicted to him. I guess I wasn't really over it at all: I just thought I was because I never expected to talk to him again.

How come he still has so much fucking power over me? I know it's probably headed right down the drain again, for like the third time this year...but every fucking time I hear from him it's the same old bullshit.

There's me talking in the sweet voice, hoping I sound cute, hoping that he'll say that he wants to see me...hoping that he'll say he wants to stay this time. I always know when he wants to see me, even when he doesn't outright say it. He just has to barely hint at it, and I know.

Man, the fucking irony! Nobody else's hints ever even fucking register with me...but not him. His go right through; no operator or translator needed.

I don't even have to hear his tone to know, and I don't even have to hear his voice to get excited. Fucking butterflys! Why do I still get fucking butterflys everytime he communicates with me. Tonight I was all dopey and giddy and butterfly-ey just for getting a few texts in a row! Stupid Angel.

What? Do I think it's gonna be different this time? No. Do I think he's changed his mind and really wants to be with me this time? No. I know all this, and yet...I can't say "no" to him. He says he wants to meet this weekend, and I said ok.

Please don't yell at me for this--you know you want to. But I can't help it. I didn't know I still wanted him so bad until tonight when he messaged me. And yes, if he actually calls this weekend and still wants to hang out...even though, I know it'll probably be bad for me, I'll still probably let him come over.

Because even if I'm crying now for being so mad at myself and because this post dregged up a bunch of painful memories,
I

Still

Do

Want

Him.

Sue me. I'm not as strong as I'd like to think. Just please don't be angry with me for my weakness.

Shortbread Cookies and Beets

One of my friends and I (though I cannot remember which friend now) were discussing beets recently. Yes, the vegetable. And we both agreed that beets were more of a autumn/winter food. Is it just our bodies adapting to ancient hunter/gatherer practices? In the winter in older days, the only vegetables available were either dried in the summer and stored and then reconstituted when they were going to be eaten or else they were the types that could actually be found during those seasons...i.e. roots and such (example: beets). At any rate, I realized that, yes, it is true...only sometimes do I get a real hankering for beets and the some-times usually only come in the later months of the year. I'm never walking around in 100 degree heat wondering why I'm not having beets for dinner. But tonight, when I was thinking about which vegetable to cook with my dinner, the can of beets that has been sitting in the pantry for gods-know-how-long was basically calling my name. And after eating them, it tasted like the best thing I could have ever eaten.

And another thing....

Nothing makes ya feel like a kid again like chocolate fudge-striped shortbread cookies. You know the kind with the hole in the middle? I used to put them on my tiny fingers and eat around the edges until i just had a small ring of chocolate and shortbread left, trying the whole time not to break the cookie or make the ring too small that it would have a gap in the circle. The older I got, the harder it got to actually put them on my fingers...but even the last time I bought these type of cookies I could still fit the hole over my pinky finger. Sadly, the cheap generic brand from Publix did not have a big enough hole to even fit over my pinky. Oh well. I still ate four tonight after my dinner, and thought, "Man, these make me feel like I'm 10 again." Then I thought--proving that the adult side of my brain was still in control--"You know what would make these better? If the chocolate was mint flavored." I love mint flavored chocolate. But then I realized that adding mint to these cookies would make them less appealing to most children who don't like mint beause it reminds them of toothpaste, and very few children actually like to brush their teeth. I also realized that it was the adult side of me that wanted mint chocolate shortbread cookies...read: Mint Milanos. Somehow Mint Milanos seem like the kind of cookie that only adults get to eat, not only because they are rather expensive for cookies but also because you get far fewer of them in a bag than when you buy a bag of Chips Ahoy or Keebler cookies.

I love shortbread cookies!

At any rate, I didn't mean for this post to be even this long...so laters.

The Autumn Introspection Post

It's coming on Autumn here in the south. Though the leaves have not yet begun to change or the trees began to shed, I still know that Autumn approaches. Day by day the temperature outside gets cooler and cooler letting me know that soon the leaves will be scattered about my porch again. Time to put away the shorts and tank tops and move into wearing long pants and longer sleeved shirts again, and it makes me feel a bit sad. The sky around here has been overcast and gray for several days now; the sun barely peeking through in spurts. Right now the sky is a beautiful mix of oranges and purples because of the way the sun is hiding behind the heavy clouds; I guess it really is approaching winter, finally.

Now, I know that those of you who live further north are thinking, "So what? This happens every year at about this time." Yes, I know that it is technically Fall, but when you live in The South and are used to getting Indian Summer until basically mid-October, it feels like it's too soon for it to be getting cold. This is the area of the country that I like to think of as the land of eternal Indian Summer (though I know I'm not the first to use those words). Around here, we're totally accustomed to having 80-90 degree days well into October, so the fact that it's been 70 or below for the past three days is rather shocking.

I was thinking about it today and I realized that it seems like I haven't had a summer at all yet because it's already getting colder. Then I realized, like 12 seconds later, that yes, we have already had a summer. A very hot one! I might add. It just seems so short now because it's almost over already.

When Autumn begins every year, it always puts me into a deep introspection mode. I get to thinking about what the year has held for me and what I've accomplished thus far. I think back on who I've met and what I've learned and I try to absorb it all again as I watch the leaves blow gently around on the tree. I watch the leaves and know that soon they will be on the ground dead, but for now they are still green and alive. I guess I feel akin to the leaves when Autumn begins. As the weather gets colder and finally becomes winter and as the leaves die and fall off the tree, a part of me relates to them. They are alive at the beginning of Autumn but just as they must die and renew after the cold, so parts of me also seem to die in the Winter only to be reborn and replaced with something new when growth begins again. The sun eventually comes again and brings with it new life: the irises (my all-time favorite flower) spring forth from beneath the cold, sometimes snow-covered March ground bringing life and beauty back to the world when all seemed nearly lost.

Being in balance in a life, in a body also means being in balance with nature and the earth. And just as my life is balanced in most every other way, so my body and my spirit are in balance with the seasons: as the seasons change, so do my emotions and reactions.

Autumn is the time of year to begin to settle down and store up for a possibly long, cold and lonely winter. It's still a hopeful time even though, it knows that short days, long nights, and bitter cold are ahead. It's the time of year that teaches us to appreciate what we have and where we are, because we know that the road ahead is going to be bumpy and harsh. Those of you who read regularly, watch for more very introspective posts from this end in the days ahead.

These are the days that I would like most, if I didn't know that they were about to be followed by the days I like least (the cold, snowy ones). I like them because they aren't too hot that all you can fathom doing is swimming, and yet not cold enough to need to put on socks yet. I don't have to run my air conditioner anymore--which I hate doing (because it makes me cold quick, and I hate to be cold)--but I can still leave my back door open so that I can hear the little noises that the outside world makes. The still noises that the world makes when nobody seems to be listening: of small animals moving through the hedges, of trees rustling slightly in the breeze, of cars going by on the street off in the distance. There are no kids playing in the yard anymore because it's nearing dark and school will start soon so they need to start adjusting to "school bed time" and it's almost dinner time and because the chill in the air has their parents warning them about sweaters and coats--and kids hate that.

The quiet hour of the day, or possibly even of the whole year, always seems to be the hour just before sundown in early Autumn. It's the hour that almost begs people to whisper softly instead of talk; it's the hour that wants me to turn off the music and just listen: listen to the quiet of the world as it breathes a sigh of relief that summer is coming to a close.

Back to Knowing about the World

Thanks to the random comments from many of my friends lately, I've realized that staying at home all night long has put me a little out of the news loop. I didn't realize that I normally know what's going on in the world...and that recently I've been missing it. Actually, I don't know if I'd necessarily say that I was "missing" it per se, but I've at least been out of the know.

After some serious thought about it...

I had mostly been getting my news from the radio and from tvs at bars I frequent. That's pretty sad that most of my news stories either didn't have pictures or didn't have sound when I absorbed them. Sometimes all I need to see is a picture of something and know where it is to understand the severity of the situation. I don't need to know all about how long it's been raining in south carolina...the picture of the flooded street with the label "such and such", south carolina is enough to tell me about how long it rained! heh. And being a delivery driver, I spent a LOOTT!!! of time in my car, and inevitably listened to the radio for at least part of the time, which would infiltrate me with tidbits of news on occasion.

I've never been this out of touch with the news of the world. I'm a government major for chrissake! Thus, yesterday I decided to add a newspage msnbc.com to my "homepages" that pop up when I open the internet, so that I wouldn't be as out of touch with my world just because I can't go out and get involved in it anymore. Then today, when I realized why I don't really like television news...because it's rather biased towards "one side or another" (not gonna go into that personal opinion rant) and I realized that seeing those types of stories was ok, but it didn't necessarily give me enough info to form the kind of opinions that I would normally develop--you know the kind based on non-biased information and that has all the facts straight--I added another news site to my homepages, one of my personal favorite political magazines The Economist so I thought I'd share with everybody that I'm making a concerted effort to not be so out of touch these days...now when you ask me, so what do you think about the new planet? I'm not gonna go "uh...duh! huh?" or when you're telling me about how you don't know if you'll be able to leave the house today because the tropical storm might hit you, i don't have to ask, "uh? what tropical storm?"

So thanks guys...I'm no longer a drunk, and I no longer have a job...thanks for helping me realize that because of those things I no longer hear any news at all!! But I have internet! so I can still know...see, see, see...I'm smart. I figured that all on my own. *pats self on head*

Bright New Day-2 (PMB)

But I did go back, a little bit later.

I found my friend quickly, even with the large crowd, and sure enough he did have a female guest next to him already.

"Well hello there, whereyabeen?" He smiled at me the way he used to a long time ago when he and I had tried to date.

"Yep, he likes me better than her..." I thought. "So, I just wanted to come over and see what happened to ya and..." I trailed off because blonde girl next to him was whispering something in his ear.

"Oh hey man," (back to calling me in friend terms) "I got us a booth over here if ya wanna sit?"

"Aw, that's ok, I'm gonna go over and talk to those guys over there for a bit...unless you want me to stay?."

"Nah, that's ok...I'm just gonna sit here for a bit."

"...unless ya wanna come over there with me?" I asked already knowing what his answer would be.

"Maybe a little later. You go have fun."

I knew what he was thinking...he wanted to try his hand at finding more company for himself for the evening. So I left him to it. Besides, wanting to be the good friend, I figured his chances were better without me cluttering up his space. I also saw what he saw: that there was a pretty brunette eyeing him from the bar. As the blonde was walking away, I did also. I didn't want to stomp on his fun for the evening by appearing to be his girlfriend.

And that's the real reason I went back over to talk to Boy. When I originally walked away, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go back over and talk with him or not. Again, because I wasn't looking for anything new, and didn't want to waste the time of talking to and getting to know somebody that wasn't going to amount to much in my life.

"What are you doing here?!?" he smiled as I approached. The surprised way he said it made it sound like the cutest thing I'd ever heard.

"Well you said you wanted me to come back over later, so I have."

"I know, but I didn't expect you to actually do it...I mean, what about your friend?"

I pointed--it was enough. He looked over and saw my friend with his arm over the brunette at the bar's shoulder. The girl was giggling and covering her mouth demurely. We both smiled. After that, he stopped being worried about what my friend's reaction to him might be.

...That first night with him went down a very unexpected path. It was moving along perfectly normal on a straight stretch that clearly showed the road in the distance but, as the night progressed, all that changed. The path of our night suddenly turned a corner and went down a path I never expected it to travel. The turns and twists in the road came sporadically throughout the evening and into the next morning until, waking up in his arms, I couldn't figure out how we'd gotten there...

We chatted for a while, practically screaming over the music, just about basic stuff. We kept up "basic normal acquaintance conversation" until my occasional hints and whining about wanting a New Year's hat prompted him to go and get two from a table in the back that I hadn't seen. He brought back a black fedora style hat and a tiara. Naturally, as my close friends might have guessed, I took the black hat: it went better with my outfit. Little bit of deviance on my part as well, since I knew that he brought the tiara for me.

But then he did something that made me smile bigger than I had in several months: he put on the tiara, and wore it for a good while. I like a man who can just open up and show his goofy side. I'm quite silly myself at times, and when someone can just relax and laugh with me, it makes them decidedly more interesting. It's very comforting even.

Finally, realizing that this act definitely made him worth a second look, I decided to make him feel more at ease. So, I went to the back to the party supply table and got him a black hat to match mine which he, gratefully, put on instead of the tiara. He smiled at my thoughtfulness towards him. I saw the look and started to blush slightly and looked away quickly to hide the blush from his prying eyes.

Then it was midnight, just that quick. We had hardly gotten to the super-flirting stage yet, and so it was a bit awkward with the music stopped and everybody around us kissing. But he looked at me, and I knew he wanted it...

He leaned in towards my face, and I turned my cheek to him. He hesitated for a moment and then kissed my cheek. I was a bit thrown by it, but didn't stop him.

"I'm sorry, I'm very superstitious and I always have horrible luck if I get a kiss at midnight. I don't do it anymore."

"Uh? Well ok then, I just didn't want you to not get a kiss at midnight if you wanted one." The awkward look surfaced and he wondered what I was going to do about it. Then I thought about what he said for a while.

"Was it really him who really wanted a kiss at midnight?" I asked myself. I looked up from my fidgeting hands, and his eyes were still focused on mine, wondering if I was gonna return the favor; practically begging for me to return the favor..."I don't know if I'm brave enough: I don't know if I can," to myself.

..."We-ll, uh, th thanks," I finally managed to stammer. "...And it's not that I'm saying we might not actually kiss later but..."

He looked away--I was losing his interest....so I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. Surprised and smiling very big when he turned back to look at me, he gazed into my eyes very deeply. "Thank you," he whispered.

"Well, I just didn't want you to not get a kiss at midnight if you really wanted one," I smiled and raised one eyebrow, trying to coyly repeat what he had just said to me. Then the quiet of thought overtook us both, drowning out the loud drunken merry-makers and horns and the sound of fireworks outside and our eyes locked.

And for what seemed like forever, we just remained like that: gazing into each other's eyes, both seeing much more than just a random acquaintance in the other's eyes. In that moment, I could see so much of him; I felt him exploring around inside me, as I was seeing into his soul. The look was so familiar and so comforting to me: I knew him! Somewhere deep inside me, I already knew him and somehow, I knew that he already knew me too.

And just as moments like that always are, our lifetime spent in each other's eyes was brutally cut short and interrupted by his friend talking at the top of his voice about something totally random. Neither of us cared about whatever-it-was, but it broke the spell. We both turned toward his friend to feign interest in what he was blathering on about.

The moment was gone, but I never forgot it. I never forgot that look in his eyes when he saw the me that hides inside, far from the reaches of the rest of the world. Recognition, acceptance, and desire to be placed inside me in my soul's hiding place, were what his eyes told of while he was gazing at me. Even now, I can see those eyes of his, staring right through me; grazing through the secret expanses of my soul.

Whatever else might have happened that night, I knew at that moment that I would never forget him...but that isn't where it ended. We flirted and laughed and the band began playing again. The chatting basically stopped, but he was still watching me and we were still standing close for the rest of the evening. I danced and he giggled at me dancing--practically moshing, if truth be told--he said later that he thought it was cute. "Cute? Thrashing around to hard rock?" I thought. "Well, at least he'll never misunderstand that part of my personality."

Eventually, he and his friends and I and my friend all ended up going to a different place in town to finish out the evening. It was for the best, especially since my friend was trying to get into a fight with the band's lead singer and since I really did want to remain close to Boy for as long as I possibly could.

My friend continued to try to get into fights with other people at the new club, and there's me--5'6", 135lbs--standing in his way saying what I always have to say to him when he gets that drunk: "I told you already, if you're going to fight anybody tonight, it's gonna be me. That's it! That's your choice! Fight me or nobody!" It works. Somehow it's the only thing that works, since I know he won't fight me, and even on the off chance that he did decide to take the offer, he'd probably only hit me once before he realized what he was doing and stopped. And I can handle taking a punch or two to keep a friend out of jail for the night.

Nobody else that night understood why I kept doing that to my friend; they didn't have to: it wasn't their business. Amid dozens of attempts from him to start fights, me and Boy were having a very deep conversation about the future of our possible relationship and all the things that might get in the way. I guess I'm the only one who saw the irony of that: me standing in the way of obstacles involving my friend during a conversation about obstacles to our potential relationship. Eventually, through some very smooth maneuvering, I was able to explain and clearly display that I wasn't the kind of girl to be annoyed by the things he was listing. He was impressed. So was I!

Perhaps amid all the random coincidences that it took to get me to this spot, I had found something real again; something that might go somewhere besides down.

Then we danced! We semi-slow danced, to a bad cover band, on a small wooden strip that is supposed to be a dance floor, in the back bar of a low class bowling alley. Yet somehow, the dance rose above the dirty, dull surroundings, and became the most romantic thing that I could remember having happened in my life. It was sensual and seductive and yet, still casual. We were both still wearing our New Year's hats, only I had put on the tiara instead of the hat.

The dance was beautiful because we were both totally free in that moment. I began the evening free, and he joined me in it later on. Totally free and completely wonderful. I remember that he never stepped on my toes, even though we were often out of step with what the other was trying to do, but still he dipped me and twirled me until the song was over; but we didn't stop dancing, we just kept moving in tune with what must have been music playing in both our heads. Then, as another song began--it was an actual slow song--we kissed.

I leaned in towards his face, my eyes never escaping his gaze. My smile suddenly telling the world how cute I thought he was and his eyes returning the sentiment. Slowly, and more slowly the distance closed, though I can't remember which of us moved...and then, it happened. We kissed out on the dance floor, right there in front of the band and the whole bar. We kissed with everybody watching, but neither of us noticed. Everybody watching us: we were the only ones left on the dance floor.

That kiss belongs in a box, wrapped up in pretty tissue paper next to all the other things around my house that I refuse to throw away. If I've ever had a deeper connection with another person in a first kiss than that night, I'd be hard pressed after that to remember what it was.

His soft lips pressed against mine, gently suggesting that mine should be more open. His hot breath filling my mouth like sweet nectar, his tongue playfully moving across my lips and into my mouth just a little bit. His whole body coursing with energy and desire to keep kissing forever, the energy transferring to me as if through a circuit, filling me up, consuming me. "I think I really could kiss him forever."

My hands finding the back of his neck pulling him more into me. Then, pushing back hard with my lips, the passion sparked. The firmness of our mouths clamped together, and the kissing became almost desperate, each of us trying to get more and more with the intensity growing larger like a wave about to crash...then softly moving out and away with a sensuous squishing together of our lips as they, finally, parted.

Both of us moving as if through a haze: his hands deftly found my waist, then slowly inched their way around and clasped onto the small of my back; my hands released his neck and clung desperately to the backside of his shoulders, closing the very small amount of space that parted our bodies...and we were dancing again, as if nothing had ever stopped us in the first place. Our bodies pressed together in a tender embrace, slowly swaying to the music.

Such intimate contact, such sensual movements of our bodies playing off each other's energy and yet, still moving to the music playing, such intuitiveness, such smiles on both our faces: nobody would have guessed that we had just met that night and, in truth, even I don't believe that. I know what the others thought, because later on that night, when I had lost him for a bit, a total stranger approached me and informed me that my "husband had gone to the bathroom." I didn't bother to correct her. Instead, I just smiled.

**edit later: this story is still not finished, but I figured I had written enough for now...will finish it later on**