Sixth Day Depression

The last year of my life has been a lie. I've been lying to myself that I have been happy, and lying to myself that eventually I would find a way to have my cake and eat it too (i.e. be in tennessee and be as happy and financially stable as I was in wisconsin).

I wish I could find a way to undo what's been done lately, but I can't. I wish I could find a way to apologize and get forgiveness for the things I've done wrong, but I can't...mostly because I can't stop doing the wrong things over and over again. Also, if I hadn't reached this "end-of-rope", I wouldn't be joining the army...don't know if that's a good thing or not. I'm happy with my choice to join, but I wouldn't have even thought about it if BoY hadn't told me the things he did. I really was happy with him, and he chose me on New Year's Eve, I probably wouldn't have talked to him otherwise cuz he wasn't really my type, and I wasn't really looking for guys at that time. I already have/had plenty of boys in my life to talk to and that treated me well (all friends, of course), but the point is I didn't really need any guys, nor did I even want them really.

Fate has a cruel sense of irony. I wouldn't be beginning a new phase of my life, if the one thing I was holding onto hadn't given up on me. And now, I can't wait to begin the new phase, cuz I absolutely can't take living here anymore, and living this way anymore.

Today would have been day 6 of not smoking, but I didn't make it through the day today. I bought a pack, smoked about a quarter of 3 cigarettes, and then all of the last one just now. I'm weak and can't resist my temptations when faced with them; I'm strong enough to know that smoking is a better option than killing myself and all the people I had to work with today--which is what I wanted to do. So...hooray for smoking! Poor Angel, not strong enough: can't quit yet!!

To all my Groundhog Day buddies: *raises a Killian's* here's to us, may we eventually stop the destructive cycle and move onto to the day after! *clinks glass*

Song in my head today

Caught In The Sun

You're my distance, destination of choice
I'd give anything just to hear your voice
I could've passed you on the street
Without saying a word
Most times I missed the voice
That goes unheard

What if I missed you
You got caught in the sun
What if I did something
Never to be undone

People everywhere how could I be sure
Is it you that I have been looking for
What would it take for me to be comfortable
With you, with me you're the chosen one

What if I missed you
You got caught in the sun
What if I did something
Never to be undone

You are there for me this I hope and pray
You will wait for me, I wont be to late

What if I missed you
You got caught in the sun
What if I did something
Never to be undone

Will you wait for me
Or will I be to late this time
You are there for me this I hope and pray

This is taken from this site.

trying to look up instead of down

Days go slowly around here without him to talk to anymore, and without hope that he'll hold me all night long again. I've been crying about twice a day, sometimes more and i can't stop myself from doing it. I wish I could, but it hurts me a lot in my soul...cuz BoY was one of the few that actually managed to touch me deep enough to reach my soul. Isis and Osiris...maybe they eventually got reunited. I hold out hope that someday Osiris will return to Isis, but according to the myth, Isis had to put him back together first and revive him from the dead...if only I knew of a way to translate this into modern life.

As ever, I'm the stupid little girl inside who refuses to give up hope...My Pandora's Box was opened long long ago, and i've been fighting the monsters every since...good thing they weren't the only thing inside the box. I still have hope that someday I will find somebody great, or that maybe he'll even come back to me later on when he's more ready...or when I'm more ready. Maybe it really was my fault, I thought I was ready to committ, but really I was still scared. I mean, why else would I have done what I did to BoY? The problem right now is that part of me knows that he's the only one I want, that he's my Osiris, but part of me still thinks I should look around again soon. But I know I can't do both...maybe in my waiting someone will come along and pick me out from among the other clovers, or maybe the fates will find some way to put this lucky clover back into the hands of the first BoY who truly found me.