My whole heart

 

    Falling in love is hard I’ve heard. For me, I feel like the falling part isn’t hard, it’s the being in love part that is challenging.  I’ve been a person who was never able or willing to express their feelings, usually until it’s far too late.  And maybe I’ve never been in love at all, not really, since I don’t think I’ve ever given my whole heart to someone, or really wanted to.  Even my one major relationship I feel I was always looking over his shoulder sizing up options should things go awry with us…and naturally they did.  I’ve spent the last couple weeks collecting the pieces of my heart that had been given away, so that should I meet someone (or perhaps in case I have already met him) that I wanted to give my heart to, that it wouldn’t be tangled up in so many other past people who were never enough, and for whom I wasn’t enough, as I am.  But what if you meet someone who makes it seem worth the risk?  Giving your heart to someone is scary, but then perhaps once in a lifetime, you find a person who makes it seem worth it.  And this guy, he deserves all of me…not just whatever tiny piece of my heart was left after all the past mishaps, and that’s what I tried to give him initially (a tiny piece, with a dozen or more pieces all tangled up in other people’s hearts and energies)…no wonder it wasn’t enough for him, or for me.  Because this one is different.  He needs more from me…more than I’ve ever given anyone.  He sees all the parts of me that have scared off plenty of weaker constitutions, and he likes all those parts (pretty scary in and of itself).  This amazing man (who doesn’t like it when I call him amazing) needs my emotions, expressed out loud, and NOT in the form of metaphors.  I’m a writer, my writing thrives on metaphors that make my feelings more relatable to others.  But now, now…I need to make them more relatable to one specific person: him.  Can I do it?  I have wondered this everyday so far of knowing him—can I?  Could he be the one to teach me how to really love someone, completely and with my whole heart?  Maybe I could learn.  I knew when we first started talking that there were plenty of things he could teach me, and he knew the same about me.  We both have different lessons to learn I know, but it doesn’t mean one or the other of them is more or less important.  All of my other stories about other people are full of the emotions I had for those people at the time, but were written post mortem…it’s scary to write my emotions into the stories about him because I’m not entirely sure he feels the same, and also, I’m not entirely sure it’s over.  So much easier to write your feelings about something that has already ended, because then the only people who know them are NOT the person about whom you felt them.  And speaking of those other stories, I don’t even feel like I relate to them anymore…tried reading them last night and it made me uncomfortable since I don’t feel those feelings anymore.  I needed to write the stories to fully release those feelings, to get those pieces of my heart back, to be ready to give my heart to someone new…but now they feel false. 

            He likes when I’m vulnerable…because he really understands that it’s not something I’ve let myself be often, if ever.  Everyday of knowing him, he has found a new way to make me feel vulnerable…and it seems like I keep trying and falling just short of where I would be fully vulnerable.  Protecting my heart is a hard habit to break.  So hard…yet something I haven’t ever fully done—judging by the number of pieces of my heart that I realized were still with others prior to this week. 

            For him, I feel like I would try to change time and space to make everything perfect for him and for me…but yet, this time it feels like I don’t have to go even half that far, as though there isn’t a problem that could arise that we wouldn’t be able to get through together, without having to or needing to change what has already happened.  Our last day spent in each other’s presence, everything that happened felt like it had already happened, like I was watching a movie…all the new people I met, I thought I already knew them…all the things that happened seemed so familiar.  Maybe it was a dream I’d had so long ago that I forgot, maybe it was supposed to be a warning to not just turn tail and run…and I kept trying not to, but fuck was it hard!  But is anything worth having supposed to be easy?  Plenty of things have come easy to me, and to him as well, but if they were things meant to be thrown away, does it matter?  Plenty of things have been hard for me in my life, and the getting them has seemed all the sweeter because of it…or perhaps in spite of it. 

            So now…how do I feel?  Let’s see if I can write it, pretending that I won’t show him…if I pretend this is just for me, can I write it out?  I feel terrified.  All the things he was able to bring out in me, the way his energy fills me up with just a few touches of his strong hands, the way I can feel his energy whenever he’s thinking of me, and it washes over me like a wave trying to drown me…all of it feels so real, so tender, but that’s also what makes it feel so scary.  What am I really scared of?  Am I afraid to be happy? To be loved, since basically nobody has ever really loved me in my life?  Maybe.  I also feel safe…when I’m in his arms, when he’s near, safe to be myself, safe to be different than the crowd.  I feel inspired.  It’s been years since I’ve written anything new, and he brought that out in me by just telling me that he believed in me, that if I wrote a book and failed, so what? That I could just write another one…so weird.  Was that all I needed?  And why the fuck haven’t I been able to get that from any other person ever?  My own insecurities all on display for him, and that wasn’t what made him back away…he backed away when he saw the destructive part of me, the part that tends to ruin things that are going well.  Not that I blame him at all…but for him, with him, I don’t feel that I want to be destructive.  He makes me want to build new things, try new things…to be the best version of myself—basically me from my 20s but without all the mean girl shit I used to put people through to prove themselves worthy.  But was the test really for those people or myself?  Was I pushing them away because I knew I wasn’t a good person, and that I would never be for them what they wanted?  Most likely.  But his touch, his interest, his energy, his attention…they brought me back to life basically and now I WANT to be the version of me that I always knew I could be, but hadn’t found anyone worthy of having it, until now. 

            It scares me to like someone again.  Even more scary that I like him enough to want to let go of all the past shit, so that I could be fully his, should he want that…to be fully myself and have a whole heart to give.  No one has ever wanted all of me before, and maybe he doesn’t either, but I’ve also never had all of me to give before either.  Makes me wonder what is so different about him.  Is it his piercing green eyes that see right through my bullshit?  His gentle way with me? The way he pushes my boundaries but in such a way that it doesn’t seem like pushing at all?  Maybe the way he can calm me when I’m upset or angry (something no one has ever been able to do)?  Or is it something much more primal…like the way he can make me feel fully alive with just a kiss or a bite of his lip?  You spend so long desperately clinging onto things that are bad for you, maybe that makes it hard to want to hold onto anything that might be good for you because it feels so different.  But I’ve always been different, and maybe so has he…maybe that is what makes it feel so…well, different. 

            With him, I don’t feel the need to look over my shoulder or his for other options…I don’t want to waste my energy and time cultivating options that I don’t really want or like that much just to have an option.  I want to be able to just cultivate the one option I have in front of me…but does he want that too?  Or is he still looking out for and cultivating his other options?

            Just the way his smell entices me so much whenever it washes over me, makes me want to devour him, but also terrifies me…not wanting to lose control, not wanting to show too much interest, not wanting him to run away…it’s exciting—he’s exciting to me.  He’s endearing, and sweet, and he captivates me so thoroughly that I know if I give in even a little, it might break open the flood gates to my heart and soul, and, again, I’ve never given that to anybody.  I guess maybe that’s why it’s called “falling” in love (not that that’s what I’ve done…at least not yet—maybe one day), because you don’t step gingerly into it, you fall off a cliff into it…and I’ve never been brave enough to even get close to the edge.  Damnit! Metaphors again.  But everyday it feels like I’m inching towards that edge, and all it would take was me letting go fully and allowing myself to fully feel him, to fall.  And nobody really likes falling…the threat of falling, sure, can be exhilarating…like in rock climbing—you could fall to your death, but you know you have your ropes tied securely and, barring equipment failure, a fall is just hanging from a rope until you get your footing again.  But this isn’t rock climbing.  This is much better, more exciting, more terrifying…so much more than my favorite outdoor sport, but might not ever be.