Why so Real?
I dreamed about him last night, and then early this morning I was thinking about him and "remembering" listening to music with him and chatting. Seconds later, I realized I was remembering my dream, that it didn't actually happen. Funny that my memory processed it as real instead of as a dream. Wonder how often it does that, and I don't notice? And it doesn't matter really who the "he" is...it's the same no matter which way you slice it. Either way I miss him and he knows I miss him. *hears the sounds of many male minds wondering* Yes. It's you. Does it really matter?
In other thoughts: maybe the docs can't figure out what's wrong because it's not something wrong with my body, but rather, with my soul. The panther theory; I've now returned to the land of the non-panthers and it's killing me, damaging me, bruising me, but in a way that can't be tested even with "modern" medicine. What was so wrong with ancient medicine anyhow? Some ancient religions and cultures had it right: they didn't only try to find problems with our physical beings, but also with our spiritual beings, our energies. Where's a good medicine woman when you need her?
So...adapt? overcome? as the Army says or...??? What? What is the alternative? Continue to deteriorate? Somewhere in the middle of this whole ordeal that started when I first moved to the South...I lost the balance. Yes, me. I became totally Southern, and I liked it better. Interesting that I eventually chose a side. Interesting that I don't want to go back to the old way, the way I wanted so badly to get back to when I lived in Maine. Interesting that I'm resisting changing back sooo much that it could be affecting my physical health. Interesting that I'm getting used to it again, already. Which way will I go this time? Will I change back? Will my soul die? Will I find a way out? Will I become a strange hybrid? And worst of all fears, is this all the product of Him, not the gods, but him that follows me everywhere? The gods let this happen, no doubt, but why? Of course, the easy stupid-overactive-bible-thumping answer is: to make me stronger...but that's way to simple for my taste. Mostly though, because it doesn't explain anything. It doesn't explain the time shift, or the Man standing at my bedside, or my talking to my "not" unborn "not" full womb (that I know would have/should have been a dark haired blue-eyed boy), or how that that changed my perspective on Him (and not in a healthy way, sports fans), or the physical problems I've been having. Ah Ha!
I figured out what to rebel against again...and this time, it will ever be a worthy cause. And this time, he can't win! Go ahead and try to get in the way of a pagan, witch, Irish woman, goth who's got her mind set and is ready to rebel!
He ripped me away from those I loved and who could have helped me, to challenge me one on one, to get me alone to work on me on his own, to break me down and beat me through the back door to my world (get your mind out of the gutter), to make a desperate attempt to coax me into giving him what he wants--and he almost got it too. But by gods, he won't keep me here...not forever! With God's help, I'll get out of here...but this rebellion will require much sacrifice. And a lot more kicking back, a lot more aiming for the jugular.
In other thoughts: maybe the docs can't figure out what's wrong because it's not something wrong with my body, but rather, with my soul. The panther theory; I've now returned to the land of the non-panthers and it's killing me, damaging me, bruising me, but in a way that can't be tested even with "modern" medicine. What was so wrong with ancient medicine anyhow? Some ancient religions and cultures had it right: they didn't only try to find problems with our physical beings, but also with our spiritual beings, our energies. Where's a good medicine woman when you need her?
So...adapt? overcome? as the Army says or...??? What? What is the alternative? Continue to deteriorate? Somewhere in the middle of this whole ordeal that started when I first moved to the South...I lost the balance. Yes, me. I became totally Southern, and I liked it better. Interesting that I eventually chose a side. Interesting that I don't want to go back to the old way, the way I wanted so badly to get back to when I lived in Maine. Interesting that I'm resisting changing back sooo much that it could be affecting my physical health. Interesting that I'm getting used to it again, already. Which way will I go this time? Will I change back? Will my soul die? Will I find a way out? Will I become a strange hybrid? And worst of all fears, is this all the product of Him, not the gods, but him that follows me everywhere? The gods let this happen, no doubt, but why? Of course, the easy stupid-overactive-bible-thumping answer is: to make me stronger...but that's way to simple for my taste. Mostly though, because it doesn't explain anything. It doesn't explain the time shift, or the Man standing at my bedside, or my talking to my "not" unborn "not" full womb (that I know would have/should have been a dark haired blue-eyed boy), or how that that changed my perspective on Him (and not in a healthy way, sports fans), or the physical problems I've been having. Ah Ha!
I figured out what to rebel against again...and this time, it will ever be a worthy cause. And this time, he can't win! Go ahead and try to get in the way of a pagan, witch, Irish woman, goth who's got her mind set and is ready to rebel!
He ripped me away from those I loved and who could have helped me, to challenge me one on one, to get me alone to work on me on his own, to break me down and beat me through the back door to my world (get your mind out of the gutter), to make a desperate attempt to coax me into giving him what he wants--and he almost got it too. But by gods, he won't keep me here...not forever! With God's help, I'll get out of here...but this rebellion will require much sacrifice. And a lot more kicking back, a lot more aiming for the jugular.
posted by AeroAangel at 17:39
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home