Reflection

I talked to him for over an hour yesterday and it was great. It was like nothing had ever changed between us. Odd that it could feel so natural to just chat with him for so long...I kept digging for other things to talk about though because I didn't want the conversation to end. And then, afterward I had butterflies all day just like I used to when he would call me from Iraq. Man, I'm such a stupid woman. It's very hard not to imagine "What ifs" with him. Then I think about all the times that he and I tried to make it work over the years, and I realize that we've both been kicked twice by the other (that's a lot of kicks to endure). And then I wonder why we bothered to try so many times. There must be something else there if we keep coming back for more after the horse done already kicked us twice. But what? What is it that keeps us coming back? Is it only because I always call him? And then with me having already called, he just talks to be polite? But that's not entirely true, it hasn't been always only me that tries to revive contact: he wrote me a letter that I never got while he was in Texas. I never got it because he sent it to my old apartment and I moved out before it got there. Totally off-the-wall theories keep popping into my head the more I think about this...I won't share them. Mostly I won't because I don't really want to admit I'm thinking them at all...I'd much rather pretend that if I don't write them out then they aren't really in my head. :) Course that only means I'm lying to myself foremost and everybody else as well...but right now, I think I need that so that I don't get carried away in nonsense thoughts.