Lonely in Nevada
So I hate to say it but the drill sergeants were right, and that sucks. Well, it wasn't really just them, I actually agreed with them when they first said it, but now I have to feel it again: the life we left behind isn't all that great, and that's why we left it behind in the first place. I actually like my Army life better...How fucked up is that? At least there was something to do all the time there...So now it's Christmas Day and all my family members have gone home and my mom had to go back to work and my dad already retreated to his room which leaves me alone and bored...With nothing else to do b/c it's freaking Christmas (otherwise known as a holiday I dislike immensely anyway for it's blatant raping of pagan traditions and disguising the rapes as Christian acts in order to sell more fucking tickle me elmo dolls or whatever fucking stupid toy you have to wait in line for 12 hours to get this year) sidenote: it's also the only fucking day a year when everything is fucking closed! I can't even get a loaf of bread or a cup of coffee or a glass of milk on Christmas...and every fucking show on TV wants to show the "reformed heathen" who now truly appreciates the spirit of Christmas...or who now actually believes in Santa Claus again...It's all crap. Crap I tell you, crap!!! Don't listen to the monkeys inside the TV, they rot your brain! They tried to eat mine tonight so I walked away calmly pretending to put away the holiday feast that was leftover on the table and then casually slipped past it again on my way to the computer room (otherwise known as my nephew's bedroom) ducking low hoping it wouldn't see me go under the wire and try to fire it's nonsense at me again.
ok...Enough of that...and Australia's like WTF?
The point of this rant really was that I'm bored and very lonely...Just like I used to be before I joined the Army...I'm glad I got to see this: my old life is the exact same as when I left it behind, and I did that for a good reason...BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING BORING AS SHIT!!!
I wish I had somebody who cared about me to cuddle up with right now...
And now...for the super honest portion of our show *drumroll please*
*quiet under the breath very fast paced announcer voice (you know like the kind at the end of car commercials on the radio)* Please don't feel obliged to read the next portion of this rant, the things you read may hurt your feelings, tell you too much truth, may not even be true but rather just the rantings for now since I'm on down slope or any combination of the above three choices...read on if you like but please remember that verbal agreements are legally binding in the state of Tennessee and I will hold you at your word in accordance with this agreement.
Why am I lonely? By Angel
I left for basic training with 4 people that I was sorta dating/liked a lot and several other "would-be" lovers that I still contact (i.e. they would still be with me if it weren't for "fill in the blank/rest of story"). I came back for break to find out that one of them I lost to Jody, one of them might have given me something not pleasant, one of them moved to south carolina and one of these piggies stayed home (hehehe). Two of the above I used to really like and now, I'm not so sure about anymore. One of them I'm really happy for: I'm glad that he found somebody that could care about him as much as he wanted me to care for him, and as much as I wanted to be able to care for him if not for certain unfortunate events. But basically, the sum total is that I don't really have any of them anymore. The one that fell away doesn't hurt my heart any because I'm very happy for him, but the ones that are left don't really tug at my heart as much as they used to and I'm not sure if I want them to. I'm not the same person now that I was when I left, and I don't know how to make them understand the me that I've become...and being that I don't really feel like talking to anybody except myself, another obstacle to their understanding rears its ugly head. Actually, that's not entirely true. I really felt the need to talk to Logan (ex-military who barely survived an accident in Iraq and wasn't supposed to ever move or walk again, but is now almost totally recovered) but even when I talked to him I didn't have much to say except....I'm making it through. And I really felt the need to talk to Chris (my ex-trucker friend from Wisconsin who is also ex-military) but there again, I didn't really know what I wanted to say to him except "I'm here, I'm alive, I'm making it through somehow. I finally passed my PT test! I don't know what to say to you." And I really felt the need to talk to Jeremy, but for an entirely different reason than the above two: so I called him, and he answered my call for the first time in almost a year. And I don't really remember what I said to him...but he laughed and he was glad to hear from me and that made me smile. (For those still following who don't know, Jeremy is usually referred to as the man that nobody will ever live up to--sometimes not even him--or the person that I never really got over)
*drinks water* (echo of ds saying, "drink water, that water is like crack, we will be your provider while you're here and you can have as much as you want but when you leave here you'll have to find a new supplier")
He even made a joke about me being the English major who couldn't even describe what it felt like to go through BCT...you just don't wanna talk: that's what it feels like; nothing's wrong with you, you're not upset, you don't need to talk about it...you just plain don't have anything to say, so you stay quiet. "Now you finally understand what I meant all those times...(he didn't have to finish the sentence, I knew "which" times he was referring to--oh god! do I remember the anger and the tears and the "I don't understands" of those moments) Funny huh? The high and mighty English major *mocking* can't find words for it."
At any rate, going through my phone tonight (boredom having taken over, giving way to wanting to have something to do and thus sacrifice my desire to not talk in order to have "something to do") looking for somebody to call, I realized that I didn't really want to call anybody, so I didn't...because the only people that I even thought about calling (Logan, Chris, Jeremy) I had already talked to recently and I either didn't have anything to say to them still or, as in the last case, I didn't want to press my luck. And I only really wanted to call one of them anyhow...guess which one? Thus, I made no phone calls and instead made a journal entry.
I have no butterflies in my life right now...luckily nobody can take away the last one, ever...the big one will always be mine to keep. (I'm talking about the one tattooed on my arm, dumbass!) I only have a few half-assed ones coming from the few remaining "would-be"s...though that is not meant to discount them in any way...I still love my boys, and hearing from those lovies still does give me a little bit of the butterfly feeling...(man, I'm explaining this too much...shut up angel, nobody cares...get to the fucking point already) but I'll have to wait till SomeDay (two capitals, no separation) to have them back again....someday or somewhere outside the walls of this realm in the abyss or maybe sooner. I mean, who knows right? I don't write the freaking future: I just get glimpses of it on occasion.
ok...Enough of that...and Australia's like WTF?
The point of this rant really was that I'm bored and very lonely...Just like I used to be before I joined the Army...I'm glad I got to see this: my old life is the exact same as when I left it behind, and I did that for a good reason...BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING BORING AS SHIT!!!
I wish I had somebody who cared about me to cuddle up with right now...
And now...for the super honest portion of our show *drumroll please*
*quiet under the breath very fast paced announcer voice (you know like the kind at the end of car commercials on the radio)* Please don't feel obliged to read the next portion of this rant, the things you read may hurt your feelings, tell you too much truth, may not even be true but rather just the rantings for now since I'm on down slope or any combination of the above three choices...read on if you like but please remember that verbal agreements are legally binding in the state of Tennessee and I will hold you at your word in accordance with this agreement.
Why am I lonely? By Angel
I left for basic training with 4 people that I was sorta dating/liked a lot and several other "would-be" lovers that I still contact (i.e. they would still be with me if it weren't for "fill in the blank/rest of story"). I came back for break to find out that one of them I lost to Jody, one of them might have given me something not pleasant, one of them moved to south carolina and one of these piggies stayed home (hehehe). Two of the above I used to really like and now, I'm not so sure about anymore. One of them I'm really happy for: I'm glad that he found somebody that could care about him as much as he wanted me to care for him, and as much as I wanted to be able to care for him if not for certain unfortunate events. But basically, the sum total is that I don't really have any of them anymore. The one that fell away doesn't hurt my heart any because I'm very happy for him, but the ones that are left don't really tug at my heart as much as they used to and I'm not sure if I want them to. I'm not the same person now that I was when I left, and I don't know how to make them understand the me that I've become...and being that I don't really feel like talking to anybody except myself, another obstacle to their understanding rears its ugly head. Actually, that's not entirely true. I really felt the need to talk to Logan (ex-military who barely survived an accident in Iraq and wasn't supposed to ever move or walk again, but is now almost totally recovered) but even when I talked to him I didn't have much to say except....I'm making it through. And I really felt the need to talk to Chris (my ex-trucker friend from Wisconsin who is also ex-military) but there again, I didn't really know what I wanted to say to him except "I'm here, I'm alive, I'm making it through somehow. I finally passed my PT test! I don't know what to say to you." And I really felt the need to talk to Jeremy, but for an entirely different reason than the above two: so I called him, and he answered my call for the first time in almost a year. And I don't really remember what I said to him...but he laughed and he was glad to hear from me and that made me smile. (For those still following who don't know, Jeremy is usually referred to as the man that nobody will ever live up to--sometimes not even him--or the person that I never really got over)
*drinks water* (echo of ds saying, "drink water, that water is like crack, we will be your provider while you're here and you can have as much as you want but when you leave here you'll have to find a new supplier")
He even made a joke about me being the English major who couldn't even describe what it felt like to go through BCT...you just don't wanna talk: that's what it feels like; nothing's wrong with you, you're not upset, you don't need to talk about it...you just plain don't have anything to say, so you stay quiet. "Now you finally understand what I meant all those times...(he didn't have to finish the sentence, I knew "which" times he was referring to--oh god! do I remember the anger and the tears and the "I don't understands" of those moments) Funny huh? The high and mighty English major *mocking* can't find words for it."
At any rate, going through my phone tonight (boredom having taken over, giving way to wanting to have something to do and thus sacrifice my desire to not talk in order to have "something to do") looking for somebody to call, I realized that I didn't really want to call anybody, so I didn't...because the only people that I even thought about calling (Logan, Chris, Jeremy) I had already talked to recently and I either didn't have anything to say to them still or, as in the last case, I didn't want to press my luck. And I only really wanted to call one of them anyhow...guess which one? Thus, I made no phone calls and instead made a journal entry.
I have no butterflies in my life right now...luckily nobody can take away the last one, ever...the big one will always be mine to keep. (I'm talking about the one tattooed on my arm, dumbass!) I only have a few half-assed ones coming from the few remaining "would-be"s...though that is not meant to discount them in any way...I still love my boys, and hearing from those lovies still does give me a little bit of the butterfly feeling...(man, I'm explaining this too much...shut up angel, nobody cares...get to the fucking point already) but I'll have to wait till SomeDay (two capitals, no separation) to have them back again....someday or somewhere outside the walls of this realm in the abyss or maybe sooner. I mean, who knows right? I don't write the freaking future: I just get glimpses of it on occasion.
posted by AeroAangel at 18:29
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