BCT excerpts-2
More excerpts from my journal from BCT...obviously some parts are left out either to protect my un-innocence or because they aren't very interesting...or because I just don't want to share all of my thoughts with everybody...Whatever.
09Nov06
How to document a bad day? I almost cried several times during the final hours. The doubt is creeping in again. Can I make it? Will I be able to get good enough to pass the PT test. I did some push-ups today with all my gear on, but I still wasn't able to get all the way down and the joker of the crowd had to start chiming in with sarcastic counting: repeating zero! zero! like he was not counting my pushups.
....I'm mostly hurt today b/c the sarcasm turned into doubt in my brain and it was very disheartening, b/c it made me wonder again...can I succeed at this? There's nothing worse than seeing your own fear reflected back at you through somebody else's eyes, or in the form of sarcasm.
...Just having my feet up right now feels like the best thing in the world.
10Nov06
Today was the first field training exercise FTX (the army loves its acronyms). Basically the one dayer is just to teach us about how to deal with living in the field with very few comforts. I washed w/baby wipes, ate MREs learned how to pitch a leanto tent using only 550 cord and a poncho and some sticks.
...The march wasn't very long but it felt like eternity with the whole world on your back. More essential training I suppose. But honestly, I've never slept this close to nature before. I usually have at least some protection from the bugs.
...Ok other random thoughts on the army. They insist on calling us females here not ladies or women or girls and I think it's because they are trying to get us to be barely more than males. fe-males. like men but with a little bit of fem I'm not sure I like that concept but I don't suppose there's much I can do about it. 2)This is definitely NOT summer camp even if most of the women insist on acting like it should be. Like we're supposed to get all the comforts of home or something. Some girls still shave everyday like they have all the time in the world when they don't. Some I don't think they realized just what they were getting themselves into.
12Nov06
I look forward to Sundays here. Saturdays always seem the worst. Yesterday I was doubting myself again. Wondering if I'm strong enough to make it through. I cried myself to sleep last night, and unlike last week, I woke up still sad. I couldn't do any situps, or at least not very many, or pushups and I began to let the doubt take over. What happens if I don't pass? How long will I have to stay if I fail? I know people could see the emotion on my fact last night. But I wasn't crying b/c it hurt to do that much exercise (no doubt, I was really exhausted) but the real problem was my soul hurt. I was crying b/c I was disappointed in myself, b/c I've never failed at anything I really wanted before, and I really do want this, but I'm not sure if that will be enough this time.
Today was church though and that made me feel a little better not just b/c I like going to church and singing, but also b/c it's a more relaxed day around here. We get more "free" time. It's not really personal time (we have to scrub the barracks) but it's basically drill sergeant free for several hours.
But the exact same bible verse came up today in church as was at the protestant service last week. (It was the hint for next week, but I still knew it was for me) In Jeremiah when the Lord sends his people to the bad area and tells them that they'll be there for a while, but not to fear b/c when they seek him w/their whole heart they will find him and he will lead them back to the land he exiled them from. So maybe the Army is just a way to bide my time until I can be led back to where I came from (wherever that is) So today I realized with this verse again, that I am here for a reason but that reason isn't necessarily training oriented (that might be a nice side bonus); I have been exiled from my former life and placed here for a reason. I'm not confused as to what that reason may be, but it's not for me to know reasons, and it's not for me to know the plans. The overall plan is perfect even if the paths may seem imperfect as I walk along them.
13Nov06
I am physically and mentally exhausted today. Land nav was fun. We're on of the few groups that found all 5 points, but I knew I was good at that type of stuff. I learned a lot about somebody that I didn't expect to find interesting. (the joker/sarcastic guy of the group *editor's add-in*)
...I was trying to think of something I knew to sing along the way to make the walk seem shorter, but instead that (a song I made up *editor's add in*) popped into my head. Even now, I can't think of the lyrics to Beloved, Tears by CXS keeps bleeding through in my head.
...I think I'm about a day away from sick call b/c I'm hurting so bad in my knee and ankle, but I didn't let the doubt take over today even after we ran again after I was already exhausted. I still gave my all. I just don't know if that's enough.
...Do I want this as much as I wanted cheering? How many times did I wanna give up when it hurt? How many times did I doubt myself and think I wasn't good enough to do it? (when I was trying so hard to make varsity squad in high school *editor's add in*)
XXX
#More to come later if I feel like it or have time...feel free to poke and prod at me if you wish...but for those of you who wanted to know: that is what it really feels like as best as I can describe it which still falls significantly short of the actual experience of it, so take it how you will.
09Nov06
How to document a bad day? I almost cried several times during the final hours. The doubt is creeping in again. Can I make it? Will I be able to get good enough to pass the PT test. I did some push-ups today with all my gear on, but I still wasn't able to get all the way down and the joker of the crowd had to start chiming in with sarcastic counting: repeating zero! zero! like he was not counting my pushups.
....I'm mostly hurt today b/c the sarcasm turned into doubt in my brain and it was very disheartening, b/c it made me wonder again...can I succeed at this? There's nothing worse than seeing your own fear reflected back at you through somebody else's eyes, or in the form of sarcasm.
...Just having my feet up right now feels like the best thing in the world.
10Nov06
Today was the first field training exercise FTX (the army loves its acronyms). Basically the one dayer is just to teach us about how to deal with living in the field with very few comforts. I washed w/baby wipes, ate MREs learned how to pitch a leanto tent using only 550 cord and a poncho and some sticks.
...The march wasn't very long but it felt like eternity with the whole world on your back. More essential training I suppose. But honestly, I've never slept this close to nature before. I usually have at least some protection from the bugs.
...Ok other random thoughts on the army. They insist on calling us females here not ladies or women or girls and I think it's because they are trying to get us to be barely more than males. fe-males. like men but with a little bit of fem I'm not sure I like that concept but I don't suppose there's much I can do about it. 2)This is definitely NOT summer camp even if most of the women insist on acting like it should be. Like we're supposed to get all the comforts of home or something. Some girls still shave everyday like they have all the time in the world when they don't. Some I don't think they realized just what they were getting themselves into.
12Nov06
I look forward to Sundays here. Saturdays always seem the worst. Yesterday I was doubting myself again. Wondering if I'm strong enough to make it through. I cried myself to sleep last night, and unlike last week, I woke up still sad. I couldn't do any situps, or at least not very many, or pushups and I began to let the doubt take over. What happens if I don't pass? How long will I have to stay if I fail? I know people could see the emotion on my fact last night. But I wasn't crying b/c it hurt to do that much exercise (no doubt, I was really exhausted) but the real problem was my soul hurt. I was crying b/c I was disappointed in myself, b/c I've never failed at anything I really wanted before, and I really do want this, but I'm not sure if that will be enough this time.
Today was church though and that made me feel a little better not just b/c I like going to church and singing, but also b/c it's a more relaxed day around here. We get more "free" time. It's not really personal time (we have to scrub the barracks) but it's basically drill sergeant free for several hours.
But the exact same bible verse came up today in church as was at the protestant service last week. (It was the hint for next week, but I still knew it was for me) In Jeremiah when the Lord sends his people to the bad area and tells them that they'll be there for a while, but not to fear b/c when they seek him w/their whole heart they will find him and he will lead them back to the land he exiled them from. So maybe the Army is just a way to bide my time until I can be led back to where I came from (wherever that is) So today I realized with this verse again, that I am here for a reason but that reason isn't necessarily training oriented (that might be a nice side bonus); I have been exiled from my former life and placed here for a reason. I'm not confused as to what that reason may be, but it's not for me to know reasons, and it's not for me to know the plans. The overall plan is perfect even if the paths may seem imperfect as I walk along them.
13Nov06
I am physically and mentally exhausted today. Land nav was fun. We're on of the few groups that found all 5 points, but I knew I was good at that type of stuff. I learned a lot about somebody that I didn't expect to find interesting. (the joker/sarcastic guy of the group *editor's add-in*)
...I was trying to think of something I knew to sing along the way to make the walk seem shorter, but instead that (a song I made up *editor's add in*) popped into my head. Even now, I can't think of the lyrics to Beloved, Tears by CXS keeps bleeding through in my head.
...I think I'm about a day away from sick call b/c I'm hurting so bad in my knee and ankle, but I didn't let the doubt take over today even after we ran again after I was already exhausted. I still gave my all. I just don't know if that's enough.
...Do I want this as much as I wanted cheering? How many times did I wanna give up when it hurt? How many times did I doubt myself and think I wasn't good enough to do it? (when I was trying so hard to make varsity squad in high school *editor's add in*)
XXX
#More to come later if I feel like it or have time...feel free to poke and prod at me if you wish...but for those of you who wanted to know: that is what it really feels like as best as I can describe it which still falls significantly short of the actual experience of it, so take it how you will.
posted by AeroAangel at 22:18
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