I've been listening to Tori Amos, little earthquakes all day (the whole cd not the specific song)...it's the only tori cd i own. But today the lyrics hit me more than normal...like they fit my mood better or something...don't know at any rate, earlier i felt like i wanted to quote all the specific lines that struck me, but perhaps i'll do that later. WARNING: this post may be very long...lots of thoughts in my head.
i went out tonight, not necessarily b/c i wanted to drink or see people, but i'm glad i did...the drive was very helpful, and the storm on the way home was gorgeous. I was half tempted to stop the car pull over and get out and play in the rain...it was almost as if it was
my rain, my storm. i love storms anyway, but tonight the energy of it was almost orgasm...and i could feel it filling me up. and it's raining again...hard right now while i'm writing this. but when i got out of the car, it had stopped, like it knew that getting the viynl i was wearing wet would be a bad idea. *stopped to open the door so i can hear the rain while i type*
anyway, where was i? oh yeah...so i had a severe moment of clarity today...i know i have those so often it's getting to the point where it's almost not worth mentioning however...i think i finally got it all figured out, for real this time. even my black cat is interested in the storm...just now he ran in from the other room to sit by the now open back door....i love potions, he is such the perfect cat for me. anyhow...i've always been a predestination school of thinking person...and today i finally realized the answer, the next step as it were...fucking mouse...i need a new one, without a stupid roller ball on the bottom. the answer is that all of this was supposed to happen. everything happens for a reason, often we never get to know the reason though, is how i think about it...but lately with all the drama and bullshit in my life it was hard to believe that this was supposed to happen.
so here it is: it's not that i wasn't supposed to move to wisconsin, i was. it's not that i wasn't supposed to come back to nashville, i was. both things were supposed to happen. wisconsin showed me who i was again, what i could be, what i wanted to be and do with my life...but i left behind too many ghosts, too many questions unanswered...i just needed them answered, i just needed to lay my ghosts to rest. but in order to want to do that at all, i had to know why...what the goal was for doing it. "can't have roots and wings" but i've always had wings and never roots...needed to know that i do want roots, but i can't have roots if i haven't given up on the idea of flying away at the first turn of bad luck. soaring ahead and beyond has always been, and probably will always be my way...but the problem with flying to where i needed to be, was that i was still tied down by nashville, or rather the dream of nashville...like i was trying to fly with weights attached to my wings...and they kept hampering me, everyday in everything i did. but i only realized this after i finally, finally, finally said the things that needed to be said to my roommate...and by doing thus, ending a 6 year friendship. for a while i felt tricked, like he talked me into moving back here only for his own selfish reasons...but then there's me...when have i ever done something only b/c somebody else wanted me to? rarely if ever. i wanted to do it too...cuz i thought that nashville was some sort of magical place for me, a mecca of sorts...but it wasn't that at all...echo of hearing stories in a native tongue in wisconsin very late at night inside a medicine lodge...with (spelling bad probably) Na co na me (deer who walks against the wind) and i could see the stories eventhough i could not translate the words...i knew the stories...i felt the words...i remember him telling me that no, i would come back to wisconsin...that my spirit belonged there...and that i would find my way back to the lodge eventually. *potions sleeping so peacefully now on my printer* so cute...
i just needed my questions answered. i needed to get the details of all the questions i never let go of when i moved to wisconsin. what about jeremy? what is he doing? was he "the perfect guy" that i let go? why is there such a draw to the area? why didnt' i want to leave when i would visit? a recent one too...do i really have as many friends in this area as i thought? there are so many ghosts around here that i left behind, thinking i didn't need to deal with them...but that wasn't true. forgetting about something doesn't make it go away. was i running away when i came to wisconsin? NO! (one answer so far, others possible answers, more definite still pending) and perhaps it's more yet that i can't see...maybe there's still somebody to meet...again or for the first time (either could be true right now, with the way my "dating" life has been going...in fact either could be true in both situations in question...maybe it's a person i knew but never really saw, could be somebody i really had never met before).
my year there taught me about myself again, especially since the first person i met that i liked was the "madison equivalent" of me...she was the "me" of madison. the social butterfly who knows everybody and talks to anybody new who looks lonely but interesting...and would go out of her way to make the other person feel totally comfortable. thanks jules. it was like my year was just a taste of what i should be having, and something to work for again...which is something i've lacked for a very long time in my life: direction, focus. then the voice said...go back, go back...didn't know why...probably didn't realize that it was also saying, cut ties, answer ur questions, get prepared...it will still be here when u finish ur next step in the journey. and if i hadn't gone, i'd probably still be stuck in the mud, spinning my tires, and might not have considered wisconsin again when i finally figured out the problem and got my car unstuck...heh.
for a while lately, i've been considering the differences with "Angel" vs. "real name". for a while i thought they were unreconcilable. cuz in wisconsin, i was only angel, and in tennessee i was only "real name" and in my head it was like they were practically 2 different people, cuz the person i was here, and the person i was there were so starkly different. but i've also realized that that is one of the things to reconcile while i'm here...and I am angel! i know that much...the problem is getting other people to see it. around here, some people have finally gotten it through that i don't want to be called my real name anymore, and the stubborn ones don't see the difference. the difference is, i want to be called angel...how would they like it if called them bob if their name was samuel? the difference is the people who really understand me and are my true friends don't care to change what they call me, and those that don't...can't understand what the problem is with calling me what they've "always" called me. the problem is i'm not that girl anymore...i haven't been for a long time, but as i grew and changed, their opinion of me did not! their perspective on the way of things with me/about me never changed...so i've realized now that this can be a test...those who can accept the change, and albeit it's a very simple one in practice, will continue to be considered friends, and those that won't, will sink into the realm of mere acquaintances. the real change though isn't the name...it's me, and only those who can actually SEE the change in me will be willing to accept a name change, those who refuse to change the name, never really saw me in the first place, and want to keep "viewing" me the way they always did........incorrectly!!
the rain has stopped...and so has my brain finally...finally i've pulled my head out of my ass and out of the drama of tennessee and the roommie....to see things clearly again. to see them the way i should have been able to see them from the beginning.
and to john, though i know you're completely incapable of reading this...i'm letting u go, finally! hopefully, i will be released from the pain i feel over your death. you have caused me enough pain and tears over the past few years, and i'm going to let go finally. stop blaming myself, finally, b/c blame doesn't do me or u any good....even if it was b/c of me, even if i was the last straw that put u over, i can't do anything about it now...and i can't do anything about how u chose to react to it....but i'll always care for u and i pray that u find the better world beyond.
drunk 
distressed 
