More people who are reading This

this person is kinda interesting actually...some girl stuff...i would guess that she's at least spent some time in new york, but has an interesting take on life in many of her blog entries.

someone in knoxville reads like stereo intstructions...as does this person who i assume, is documenting every single fucking thing she ever did in an online game, but i have no real way of knowing since it was so dull i didn't read much...and even if i did real all of it, i probably still wouldn't know if she was talking about a game or not, since i HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH MY TIME!!

there's also a crazy psycho who checks my page like at least 3 times a day from clarksville, and never comments who links to me from SyScreams' page get a life dude!! i know you are not one of my friends...they don't make this list at all...i'm always happy to have people i know read my blog, even if they don't comment (thank you Rob, and Ajax and some of the various Rob friends who link to me from his page...i'm not talking to you). I'm talking to psycho boy who read every single entry i ever did in one day...and who now checks it at least 3 or 4 times a day...I'M NOT THAT PROLIFIC, IT'S REALLY NOT NECESSARY TO CHECK IT THAT OFTEN!!!

one of my babies in iraq (no link) linked to me from his yahoo mail on a link i had sent him to his address through email...i miss all you guys, and always glad to see an "unreturnable" link with no ip address when it comes from a military server name...

but this guy must not have a tv at home since he felt the need to post about a million tv shows on his blog....*We are not amused*

another person who posts in a foreign language but this person at least has a political opinion and more to look at than the previous idiot who i linked to in the other rant. from the little i understand, i do not think our politcal views are the same, but if you're looking for a foreign perspective on it, this is a good link.

hi i have a blog about being a princess *sarcastic mocking voice* could we please be more generic? no wait, i take that back, i don't want to encourage that sort of behavior, not even as a joke.

a couple of people in foreign countries, i.e. france and canada have found a way to google my web-blog...way to go, i haven't even managed that one yet.

i call this one ode to my japanese family since i have no idea what any of it says except "jackie" and it has lots of pictures of asian babies...does make me wish i could read the language though, since it seems wrong to condemn somebody just for posting in a different language...which is why they don't get the boring label, they just get generic "assumption-based" label...ha.

and then finally...the how-to pages...neither of which is totally boring or uninteresting, however, neither of which I would read regularly b/c they talk about the same subject over and over and over again...different specfic topics, same overall subject...but worth checking out if you're into gardening in california , which i am sometimes, or sewing clothing

more updates to follow if i find anything else worth looking at, either b/c i'm making fun of them or b/c they are actually intriguing.

Another update on Sunday

Well, they found my coat...at NV...two freaking weeks later. way to go on bargain shopping on the coat...it wasn't a nice coat and the zipper was broken, but it was my favorite...i'm sure if it had been a "really nice coat" it would have gotten stolen, but, it was been recovered...and just wondering...for those of you who know me well, have you ever seen me this drunk? ever? anyone? is that really what i looked like that night? (just click on it, it will get bigger, and you'll see what i mean) omfg!!




oh yeah, and that's my purse that SyScreams is pretending to lick...

I am a total S!$@ bag

Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen, I am a total shitbag...but it's a good thing I really and truly AM the cheerleader for love....more details to follow...will post more later when I'm not so tired or intoxicated.

In other news...

So today on the radio I heard a story that I thought was too funny to be true...but apparently it's not . The radio guys were hysterical over this...so i just thought i would share something a little lighter and funnier than i normally post about...

On the Horizon

So my birthday is coming up again...far closer than I'd like it be, but far enough away still that I'm not feeling "overly old" yet. At any rate, it gets me thinking about my life...and what I have (or haven't) accomplished in this life. Summation is that I'm not where I thought I would be at this age, but I don't feel too terrible about it because I have done a lot of good things for a lot of people, and while it may not seem like it--with all the trouble I'm having with relationships lately--I'm actually on the up-swing again, which makes me feel ok about my life in general. But the thing is, I've always wanted to be something really GREAT!! like an author or a school teacher (college or high school, not anything younger) or somebody else that makes a daily impact on a lot of people's lives.

Not to discount the good things in my life by any means, cuz I have done a lot of things that I think have made a difference in the lives of other people. I've stood out in the rain, for race after race, for a weekend, helping to "judge" special olympics track and field. I've been a Big Sister with Big Brothers/Big Sisters for a couple years in college, just b/c I wanted to help one child see that not all adults acted like his parent. And I've done lots of other "community service" things--not that I'm trying to brag or rub them in other people's faces...but these are just a few things I've done that make me feel good about myself, and make me feel like I've actually made a difference in the lives of other people.
I also always try to be a good friend to those around me in my life, and help them out of the troubles they are going through, but that's just part of being a friend I think...I definitely don't do it for the gratitude. And I know that the people who really make a difference in our lives are the day-to-day people we meet, the people we are friends with, the ones we love. Even Charles Shultz agrees... (a website based around charles shultz philosophy).

But even with all this that I know, it doesn't stop me from wanting to be something more. It doesn't stop me from needing to be somebody who makes a real impact in people's lives. I don't want to be just a "face" people see on occasion for the rest of my life; I wanna be somebody that people will actually remember.

Letting go

Why is it so hard for me to let go? I want to be the strong person and say, "I can just move on and not worry about it." But everytime I think I've stopped thinking about it....BAM! there it is in my thoughts again. Sneaking in like a whisper, when I've locked all the doors and shut all the windows (thank you Poe for saying it so well).

I really did like him...I think that's why it's so hard to get past. The last guy, while he did make me cry when it ended was easier to accept, I guess because with him, it was more like...

"Hey i'm not in a relationship, you aren't either...maybe we should actually give this a try. We get along really well."
But even with all the great things that were there...really great sex, being able to kiss your best friend without anybody getting jealous, and always great mental stimulation, there was no grand gesture, and no butterflies in the stomach feeling. Not that I don't still miss him sometimes though, cuz I do. (especially on bond night) *wink*

And after it was over, I could look at it and say...weeellll, I guess that was bound to happen anyway.

But with BY, I just couldn't help but be attracted to him: he just swept me off my feet the first night I met him. He danced with me all night, looked at me like I was the greatest present he'd ever been given, and went out of his way to try to make me smile with small cute gestures (like wearing one of the "girls" new year's hats most of the night)...I was falling long before we spent that whole first night talking and cuddling. Then, the talking was great too...because he could actually keep up with me, even when I was talking about "less-than-normal" things, he still kept up, and intelligent replies instead of the usual blank looks that come from guys.

Anyways...

Maybe it just bugs me so much because I don't know what happened even. I haven't heard from him since last week, and I've left several messages with no call back...so yeah, I know what that means: he's done with me. And I'm here at work, trying to pretend that I'm not upset about it, but I am...Struggling to put on the "happy face" so that my pain doesn't show.

And ever the fucking cheerleader for love, even with all the shit, there's still a part of me (albeit a very small part) that keeps thinking, "maybe it's not what I think." "Maybe there's a perfectly logical excuse for all this, and I just don't know what it is yet."

So let the chastisement begin...yes. Yes. YES OKAY YES!!! I would still give him another chance if he asked...Yes, even if it turned out that it was exactly what I thought. Sue me.

Random thoughts, but nothing close to what I wanted to say.

Having another bad night...almost made me wish i were dead again. Way to go! So yeah, on the way home from the bar just now...i had a million things running through my head that i thought about posting about...but now, none of it seems to matter at all. the gist is: I'm upset about a guy not treating me the way i think i deserve, and I contemplated taking "a random" guy home from the bar, or "looking up" one of my "old haunts (which would have been an even worse idea than the first since the old haunt i was seriously contemplating works with the guy)" so instead, i left...because the eternal optimist in me always says, "maybe it's not what you think...maybe this time it's different." However, the rest of me is not so sure...ever the cheerleader mindset, I always want to believe the best of people...and it gets me into trouble on occasion (like sunday night for example).

But i've realized that i really don't know who i am going to be still...half of the time i'm working at a bank, wearing a suit, and putting on the "cheerleader face" and the other half i'm driving a nice car, with lots of cash in my pocket and dressed as a goth and chasing after guys who either a) have no job b) are anti-society or c) are assholes disguised as nice guys...all of whom break my heart. I have really no interest in dating the guys i meet at the bank...most of whom are worth several million (at least) wearing a suit and driving a lexus or a beamer...then there's me who refuses to give up her purse with spikes on it, and is trying to hit on the ups guy when i see him, and who is perfectly content driving the sports car with no back seat (i.e. i don't ever plan to have children) that i bought used, and goes home and puts on bondage pants and spiked collar before i go out to the bar.

I said it once, and now again...I've mostly outgrown the men of my past, but i haven't yet grown into the men of my future...but perhaps it's more than that...maybe it's that i haven't out grown the person i like to be and haven't yet grown into the person i thought i wanted to be.

The world is nothing without love. And the darkness has arrived, and is already planting roots inside of me.

Missing You Again

So I have never missed wisconsin more than last night...cuz what happened last night, wouldn't have happened in wisconsin. I sat on the interstate for like 3 hours (actually 2.5, but who's counting) in exactly the same spot...not moving even an inch because people around here just fucking don't know how to drive in the snow and ice...which means....

people get into accidents regularly when it does actually snow (very rare) but there's always lots of accidents, and then, even the emergency personnell don't really know how to drive in the snow and ice so it takes them like 3 days to get it all cleaned up after a snow...

finally i talked a cop (who also couldn't get close enough to the accident to see what was going on) into letting me cut through (sideways on the interstate, mind you) a very small space in traffic just ahead after she had a couple other people move off to the shoulder while i did this, so that i could drive along side the interstate to get to the next exit which was only half a mile from where i was. i got desperate sitting there for that long...very clausterphobic and nearly passing out from all the exhaust fumes around me (cuz nobody would turn their car off even for a second since it was "sooo" cold--read: 30 degrees) and i decided that i had to do something...so when the cop walked by...

me: do you know how much longer this is going to take?

her: 2 hours or more still...
me *omfg!!! 2 more hours!!! yeah that'll give me a nice hour to get ready and just leave for work when i get home...if they even get it cleaned up in that amount of time*: so are they gonna start directing traffic off the exit ramp or anything? i know there's a way to get to nashville on that road too?

her: no, it's really icy on that road too...we don't want to block up 2 roads...

me: *wtf? how stupid can a person fucking be?* well...alright then.

her: sorry

half hour later
*bang bang bang on my window* I had fallen asleep on the side of my car...

policewoman again: so what's gonna happpen is that car is gonna drive off into the shoulder and then the van in front of him is gonna back up and they are going to drive through the small space in front of that semi there...then they're gonna drive along the side to the exit down to *insert whatever the fuck small town that this place tries to call itself*

me: *excited* yeah...ok.

her: you can follow them if you want and drive along side the highway to the exit ramp...just be very careful cuz there's ice on the side of the road.

me: ok..well thank you very much.

her: just don't block up that road too...don't make me regret this.

me: ok *idiot!* thank you again

and then finally i was moving again...very slowly, but moving again...and though i know i had seen signs for 431 around nashville (so i knew i'd end up somewhere i knew) i didn't exactly know where it was going to come out, or how long it was going to take me to get to this "undetermined location" but since it was almost 3 am i was happy just to be moving again...i was already gonna get no sleep before going to work today, but moving forward was better than sleeping in my car on the interstate b/c the idiots around here don't know how to drive. and then, magically...i appeared on briley parkway...much closer to my house than i would have been even if i had taken my "normal" exit off of 24. so i was happy, but i still didn't get to sleep until like 4 am...ha! i get up at 6 30 to get ready for work.

...and i'm pretty sure, after looking at the license plates of the other people who the cop had "let" drive on the shoulder, that she only let me follow b/c i still have wisconsin plates...the other two were illinois and indiana...so everything does happen for a reason...lol. i couldn't find my title so that i would have to get wisconsin plates on my car so that i wouldn't have to sleep on the interstate in my car...oooohhh yeeaaahhhh!

oh yeah and did i mention that this stupidness would have never happened in wisconsin beeecaaauuusee...............even if somebody stupid did go off the road, at least the cops and other emergency personnel would have known enough about driving in the weather to get it cleaned up a hella lot faster because.........they wouldn't have been dumb enough to drive too fast ALSO and go off the road TOO!!! which did happen last night i found out...way to go nashville intelligence.

Update

For anybody who is interested, today I thought it out and I realized that I only had 5 glasses of wine last night, no beer, no other drinks...most of this wine was consumed during a very large dinner of which I actually ate all of...then I spent about 3 hours at the goth club after this, still not drinking anything else and was just as fucked up when I left the goth club when roomie came to pick me as I was when I got there. (even basic math says...5 glasses of wine...1 hour at another bar, 3 hours at the goth club...should have been mostly sober by the time i left if it was just drunkeness-caused)

More evidence...here are the 4 text messages that I don't remember sending to SyS last night...I did not change anything...this is how they got sent.

1. reako grunk but ok

2. I'm way 2 d7uol 2 drlve hne rggg now can i rtay w/u?

3. Wiy not?

4. Wher ar u?

anybody else see any mistakes or problems with those messages? or maybe just a problem with the fact that I don't remember sending them? The predators won...5 to 4...after that the rest of the night was pretty well a blur. I only realized that I had gone to the atm b/c i found a receipt in my pocket later on along with my debit card. I only know that I paid a cover at the goth club b/c out of the 60.00 that my receipt said I had taken out, I had 15.00 left in my pocket when I found the receipt...for a while, I couldn't even figure out what had happened to the other 40.

Then all day today my head hurt...wtf? from 5 glasses of wine? it hurts ALL FUCKING DAY!!!! and i almost passed out at one point for no reason at all.

What "he" doesn't know...and really ought to have known better to listen to the messages I sent him last night when I was still really fucking pissed about not having my phone before he told me where he lived *oops did I do that? but not me...*innocent voice*...is that I now know EXACTLY where he lives, I know where he works, I know what he drives, I know his full name and I know what he does with his spare time (and I think that the police in nashville, might be very interested in this info).

Apparently last night I left 2 messages for him...(bill recapped this morning) one that said I think you're the biggest fucking prick in the world do not EVER think that we are going to hang out EVER again (gap in memory) I can't believe you fucking ditched me in downtown nashville with no car and no fucking way to even call anybody to get home...and if I don't get my phone back by 10 am tomorrow morning since you're being a total fucking asshole and not answering your phone now, even though I know that I told you earlier that i DEFINITELY WOULD be coming by TONIGHT to get it, then I'm going to find your house kill you while you're sleeping and leave you in a dicth and never look back. and don't think that I can't do it...i know a lot more about a lot of things than you may think...don't push me, I CAN SO do terrible things to people." and the other one said something like "well, it's now 3 am and that means that you have exactly 7 hours, 7 HOURS to get my phone back in my hand or i'm gonna make your life a living hell...brutally mangle your body and kill you...you have till 10 am before this plan goes into effect...thank you and if you value your life, you will get my phone back to me by the specified time."

And yeah, I'm the type to hold a grude...and I'm the type who will play dirty when somebody fucks me over like that. And sometimes I'm the type who can get somebody severely severely hurt and have nobody be able to trace it to me. What's he gonna say to the police? There's this girl that I pissed off and she cast a black magic spell on me that makes me hurt everytime I go to the bathroom and everytime I think about sex? *deviant laugh* yeah, i'm sure they'll buy that...and they'll give him a free white coat and a nice padded room to go with their purchase.

However, I will not be turning away any offers to kick his ass...cuz that would be really funny too...cuz he wouldn't know my friends from a homeless bum on the streets (not that my friends look like bums, didn't mean it that way) and won't know why he's getting his ass handed to him...*very evil smile*

wtf?

So ok my distrust of men has offically increased. Cuz I don't remember most of the night tonight and ended up stranded in downtown nashville with no cell phone, no coat, and no ride home. Luckily, sys was downtown last night and had my roomate's phone number in her phone still. But seriously, even when I've been so drunk that there's no way I should have driven (and gotten there safe) home I've still never forgotten anything like I did tonight. I think the person that I went to the game with today put something in one of my glasses of wine. B/c I don't remember going to the atm, I don't remember paying a cover at the 2nd bar we went to, I don't remember if I actually took my coat with me out of the stadium...I don't remember taking it off anywhere else...the only thing I remember clearly after we left the hockey stadium was the bartender's name...amy! who i discovered later, when I realized my stuff was missing, did not have my cell phone or my coat, but she remembered me having it on when I came into the bar. and since she had a couple other cell phones behind the bar, I thought that my chances were good that if I left my phone or my coat for that matter there, that she would have picked it up and put it behind the bar as well. then later, my roomie came down to the club to get me, b/c I had apparently (somehow) remembered the papa john's number and called him at work...frantic! "I don't know where my cell phone is, I don't know where my coat is, and I'll be damned if I can remember where my car is, but I'm *pretty sure* it's somewhere in nashville. I don't think I left it in clarksville." Him: where are you? me: downtown nashville...(looking around) second avenue at the goth club. And I don't have a way to get to my car, even if I knew where it was, and don't have a ride home." Do you have mike's number there at the store, cuz i think he might have my cell in his car.

My heart stopped beating for a while tonight too, oh yeah and I stopped breathing during this...and I remember thinking...um...that ain't good. I'm afraid to fall asleep now...bill thinks that "my friend" put something in my drink tonight...cuz he's known me a long time and never seen me act this way before. I think it's a good possibility. that's been going around nashville here lately...and I'm not even sure that this post makes any sense, as I can't even remember the first thing I typed now...so yeah.

More than Coincedence?

So now somebody has broken into the office at my apartment complex. There was police climbing all over it this morning, windows broken, phones torn out of the wall, holes in the walls inside. Don't know if they were looking to rob it or what, but they did it very early this morning...saw it all on my way to work.

Where's the love? Is it just coincedence or did somebody send some chaos energy after me? Usually I'm able to "happen to" avoid chaos when it's sent at me...i.e. the tornadoes always hit the town I'm in after I've left them, or before I got there...that's just one example. Somehow, someway, I have always managed to avoid chaos energy...don't know if it's because I somehow "sense" that it's coming and sub consciously avoid it, or if I'm just plain lucky, but either way it usually happens that way. So if there's somebody out there *sarcastic conspiracy theory voice* trying to get me wooohhhoooo *end* then they are definitely going about it with the wrong tactic. Chaos energy doesn't usually even get this close to me.

But this time, the darkness was, quite literally, at my front door.

More Gun Shots

Police sirens are a normal activity in Nashville, especially during morning rush hour...but today the sirens were active for a different reason. I was coming into work it was just before 8 am...police car runs red light in front of me when it was my turn to turn left...oh well, he has that priviledge. Didn't think anything else of it, until after I turned and heard more sirens. Another police car headed in the same direction, but coming from a different route. Still, I'm like...ok so it was a bad car accident or something like that nearby to me. No big deal right?

Then I'm pulling into the parking lot at work and I hear a fire engine siren and ambulance sirens getting closer...get out of the car and the air is saturated with sirens coming from nearby. Wow, something must really be going on.

Then my manager comes into work and she says that she drove by where all the cops cars were and they had the entire area around a nearby building (as in nearby to my work) taped off including the entire parking lot. They were not letting cars or other people anywhere near the building.

So then, the guys who work in the Mortgage office across the way from my desk come over and tell us that they've heard what happened...somebody got shot over in that building.

Come to find out later, it was actually two people...two women. Go figure. The "inside scoop" is that it was a wife and an ex-wife...the current wife shot the ex-wife and then shot herself. Here's the story!

The Darkness keeps getting closer and closer to my front door.

Amusing thoughts

So last night after I'd had a couple beers I decided to do a mass text message to my friends...well the ones who I thought might find it as funny as I did. I sent the message

"Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there, I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of its butt'?"

Here are the replies I've gotten so far...I will update if any more come in today.

Scott: I've wondered the same thing many times.

Daniel: The same person who invented Russian Roulette.

Jay : I don't know. But I bet they were french!

Chris : Probably was somebody from missouri.

Kevin: Me.

Jules/Jade : No clue would have seemed like a bad idea to me.

Logan: lol.

So please feel free to add more comments to this and either answer the question or give me some more crazy questions to ask on future mass texts.

Isis and Osiris

So recently I've been re-thinking my whole soul mate position. I have a very strong position on this...and up till new year's eve, I had beleived that I had never met this person...ever! Now being somebody who believes in reincarnation, forever is a long time that spans more than a couple of lifetimes. I have suspicions about who I think I've been in other lives...and "memories" that aren't quite real memories, but images that cannot be shaken out of my head of having actually lived in other time periods. The earliest time period that I remember is Ancient Egypt. (For those that may already being going...what the fuck? just stop reading, cuz I don't care if you believe me or not). Now that's about 6000 years ago...a very long time to be lonely. So when people hear me say that I'm tired of being lonely, I'm not talking about just this lifetime. I'm talking about all of the lifetimes that I remember not having somebody really special in my life. Everybody always tries to counter me with, "You're still so young, much to young to act like you've been lonely a really long time." Honey, you have no idea what I'm like...sorry to burst your bubble.

At any rate, the point of all this blog is this: If I've never met my soul mate...ever!!...then how would I feel the loss so deeply? Why would my soul hurt for something it has never felt or known before? This was a thought that set free the last of the lasts. It took away the last bit of wonder I had about Josh . I realized finally that he was not, as I had wanted to believe the perfect person for me because.....I had no memory of him from a previous life. Yes I know, the same bit of information that made me suspect him is now the same information that tells me for sure that he isn't. Go figure. That's how life works, I guess.

So now, I end the post with stories of old that I hold very close to my heart. Isis and Osiris lovers and siblings...a perfect match torn apart by Chaos ( Set ) and doomed to search for each other forever in the afterlives. Isis was a woman associated with all things to do with life and birth. She was a healer and the supreme ruler of all the other gods. And then harmony does its part, takes its toll on her and gives her the perfect match, the antidote to her magic and power as a husband... Osiris the God of the dead, the lord of the underworld...in control of all things dead and gone, but also the god of fertility and the co-supreme God of all other gods in Egypt. The King and Queen, the mother and the seed. It just works...and I love the balance in that story, the yin yang zenness (yes I made that up) of it all.

Avoidance

So I've been avoiding posting this, as it is not yet "official news"...also avoiding it because I don't really want to think about it. But maybe if I release it, I will feel better.

One of the places I work at got robbed last night. It was very scary, even more so for the employees who were actually there when it happened...I was out on errand when it happened. Two employees were injured, one shot in the leg...and there were bulletholes and actually still bullets in the walls when the police finally let me back in after everybody had been interviewed. I feel really sad that my co-workers have been put in danger and one had to go to the hospital. I feel even worse that I'm so grateful I wasn't there...everybody else had to put up with much more than I, but I keep thinking...that could have been me. Odd though because I've had "training" in what to do in case of robbery for the other job, and it's almost like I would have expected it more there, but...

Now outside it's snowing and cold, and I'm scared and shaken up, and if I hadn't been so *out of it* last night I would have been inside my work when the robbery took place. Now, at my other work today, all I can think of is...is someone gonna try that here too? I hope not. Maybe later I will post more details of this, once it has hit the local papers, until then vagaries are all you get.

It makes me want to go off on a Dennis Leary rant...wtf? But I won't, since I won't have the benefit of letting those reading this actually hear my tone...which is part of what makes his comedy so amusing. But the gist is...Why? Why would they do that? How did they know which door to better use? They didn't even get that much money, and they didn't even take all the money in the store...huh? Are they really that stupid? Why did they shoot somebody over that small an amount?

But their bumbling ignorance didn't stop them from doing it, nor did it stop them from injuring my co workers, and the damage that they've done to the employees is totally irreparable. Yea ignorance and stupidity!

The darkness is getting too close.

Crazy people who are reading my blog

i don't know who these people are, but thanks to statcounter.com...i know they've been reading my blog... so here goes the links...

Don't know how these people found me, but i'm not a teen and i'm definitely not a teen in distress and would really like to know how this guy is even reading my blog at all being as it is in english. and then... this person is just plain boring... and then this person is still in high school i think...and obviously doesn't know about photobucket.com since they felt the need to post every single fucking picture they ever took up on this site. ok enough rant for now...if any other stupid people look at my page, i'll be sure to critisize and publically humiliate them on my blog as well...happy hunting.

Suspend your Disbelief

You may have to do that a bit, if you're reading this post and you don't already know how I am. That is, if you can even figure out what I'm talking about.

So I remembered some things tonight that I had forgotten...

I remembered why I hate insomnia so much...not only do I not get enough sleep and I'm exhausted at work, then get home only to not be tired and do it all over again. Not only do I have to remind my body to work after a few days of not sleeping i.e. move leg now, move other leg now...*that actually goes through my head to make sure I'm still walking*. But also, it makes the veil too thin...and the darkness too close: the things I don't like to deal with find me anyhow, see me, know that I see them...and I can't make it shut down. Everywhere I look today, there they are, staring at me...and doing things they shouldn't be doing. The darkness is getting too close.

I remembered why I stopped wearing it. I took it off the night I wanted to do the crazy thing, cuz I didn't want it to save me after I did what I wanted. But I forgot why I wanted to give it away, why I contemplated throwing it out the window.
I remembered that I wanted to be rid of it because it was making the darkness get too close. It was closing in on me slowly...surrounding me, choking me, stifling me. The darkness was getting to close, so I took it off. Cuz I didn't want the darkness to get me.
I remembered that I stopped wearing it cuz I could feel it leading me in a different direction...and I was beginning to get a "gollum" complex. *throaty obsessive voice* We wants to keep it...no we doesn't, it hurts us...we wants to keep it, we will keep it...we wants to throw it out the window...but we needs it...let's bury it and never find it again...can't do that to the precious. *tov done*
I remembered because I put it back on tonight, because I had forgotten why I *really* took it off. And, naturally, it happened again. The darkness was not just close when it found me tonight, it was in me. I contemplated things that weren't like me AT ALL!! and then promptly talked myself out of doing them...barely. *thought* Maybe I'll go to her house and tell her to take it off me, don't give it back to me I'll say...*end* But we needs it...she will keep it, we don't want to take it off. The darkness is getting too close. But finally, before I got back to my apartment (still not tired by the way, but I got off early at work cuz I was dragging ass so bad that even my manager could tell...still dragging ass, but not tired anymore) but I couldn't get myself to get rid of it still. We still needs it...just not right now. Hide it away for a few years until its use will be required...until then,

I'm just Angel, hiding out...laying low...not sleeping...thinking about the precious, even now still grasping for it, expecting it to be where it always used to be..always! but now it's not...just Angel, looking for love...believing in things that are real, but most people don't understand...lieing in wait until the day comes for it all to end. The darkness really is getting too close...I don't know if I'm ready. Still need to prepare.


Footnote:
When the darkness comes for you...how will you choose? Really? Are you sure? Is that your final answer?

Choose wisely my friends, because it may be the last choice you'll ever make, and my face may well be the last face you see after you've made it...*deviant laugh*

*scared voice* Is she kidding? Is she serious? How would you ever know?