Random thoughts, but nothing close to what I wanted to say.
Having another bad night...almost made me wish i were dead again. Way to go! So yeah, on the way home from the bar just now...i had a million things running through my head that i thought about posting about...but now, none of it seems to matter at all. the gist is: I'm upset about a guy not treating me the way i think i deserve, and I contemplated taking "a random" guy home from the bar, or "looking up" one of my "old haunts (which would have been an even worse idea than the first since the old haunt i was seriously contemplating works with the guy)" so instead, i left...because the eternal optimist in me always says, "maybe it's not what you think...maybe this time it's different." However, the rest of me is not so sure...ever the cheerleader mindset, I always want to believe the best of people...and it gets me into trouble on occasion (like sunday night for example).
But i've realized that i really don't know who i am going to be still...half of the time i'm working at a bank, wearing a suit, and putting on the "cheerleader face" and the other half i'm driving a nice car, with lots of cash in my pocket and dressed as a goth and chasing after guys who either a) have no job b) are anti-society or c) are assholes disguised as nice guys...all of whom break my heart. I have really no interest in dating the guys i meet at the bank...most of whom are worth several million (at least) wearing a suit and driving a lexus or a beamer...then there's me who refuses to give up her purse with spikes on it, and is trying to hit on the ups guy when i see him, and who is perfectly content driving the sports car with no back seat (i.e. i don't ever plan to have children) that i bought used, and goes home and puts on bondage pants and spiked collar before i go out to the bar.
I said it once, and now again...I've mostly outgrown the men of my past, but i haven't yet grown into the men of my future...but perhaps it's more than that...maybe it's that i haven't out grown the person i like to be and haven't yet grown into the person i thought i wanted to be.
The world is nothing without love. And the darkness has arrived, and is already planting roots inside of me.
But i've realized that i really don't know who i am going to be still...half of the time i'm working at a bank, wearing a suit, and putting on the "cheerleader face" and the other half i'm driving a nice car, with lots of cash in my pocket and dressed as a goth and chasing after guys who either a) have no job b) are anti-society or c) are assholes disguised as nice guys...all of whom break my heart. I have really no interest in dating the guys i meet at the bank...most of whom are worth several million (at least) wearing a suit and driving a lexus or a beamer...then there's me who refuses to give up her purse with spikes on it, and is trying to hit on the ups guy when i see him, and who is perfectly content driving the sports car with no back seat (i.e. i don't ever plan to have children) that i bought used, and goes home and puts on bondage pants and spiked collar before i go out to the bar.
I said it once, and now again...I've mostly outgrown the men of my past, but i haven't yet grown into the men of my future...but perhaps it's more than that...maybe it's that i haven't out grown the person i like to be and haven't yet grown into the person i thought i wanted to be.
The world is nothing without love. And the darkness has arrived, and is already planting roots inside of me.
posted by AeroAangel at 00:51
3 Comments:
too big for diapers and not big enough for panties?!?!
they need to make a "pullup" type of man, I swear..
~supposed to make you giggle... .
but that would be soooo not fair to the guys, cuz eventually we would out-grow the pullups...heh
*snuggles* of course then there are alway us freaks who like the idea of a woman in business suit durning they day and out with the leather corset and spiked collar that night.
Miss you sexy.
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