Letting go

Why is it so hard for me to let go? I want to be the strong person and say, "I can just move on and not worry about it." But everytime I think I've stopped thinking about it....BAM! there it is in my thoughts again. Sneaking in like a whisper, when I've locked all the doors and shut all the windows (thank you Poe for saying it so well).

I really did like him...I think that's why it's so hard to get past. The last guy, while he did make me cry when it ended was easier to accept, I guess because with him, it was more like...

"Hey i'm not in a relationship, you aren't either...maybe we should actually give this a try. We get along really well."
But even with all the great things that were there...really great sex, being able to kiss your best friend without anybody getting jealous, and always great mental stimulation, there was no grand gesture, and no butterflies in the stomach feeling. Not that I don't still miss him sometimes though, cuz I do. (especially on bond night) *wink*

And after it was over, I could look at it and say...weeellll, I guess that was bound to happen anyway.

But with BY, I just couldn't help but be attracted to him: he just swept me off my feet the first night I met him. He danced with me all night, looked at me like I was the greatest present he'd ever been given, and went out of his way to try to make me smile with small cute gestures (like wearing one of the "girls" new year's hats most of the night)...I was falling long before we spent that whole first night talking and cuddling. Then, the talking was great too...because he could actually keep up with me, even when I was talking about "less-than-normal" things, he still kept up, and intelligent replies instead of the usual blank looks that come from guys.

Anyways...

Maybe it just bugs me so much because I don't know what happened even. I haven't heard from him since last week, and I've left several messages with no call back...so yeah, I know what that means: he's done with me. And I'm here at work, trying to pretend that I'm not upset about it, but I am...Struggling to put on the "happy face" so that my pain doesn't show.

And ever the fucking cheerleader for love, even with all the shit, there's still a part of me (albeit a very small part) that keeps thinking, "maybe it's not what I think." "Maybe there's a perfectly logical excuse for all this, and I just don't know what it is yet."

So let the chastisement begin...yes. Yes. YES OKAY YES!!! I would still give him another chance if he asked...Yes, even if it turned out that it was exactly what I thought. Sue me.