James Dean, Kevin, and Memories.

"What am I going to do with you?", he'd always ask.

"I don't know play with me till you get bored."

This blog is dedicated solely to my friend kevin, who I have pics of but they aren't on my computer. So you'll just have to imagine. If you've ever heard me talk about Kevin, it was probably when we were still trying to date, and it's likely that I always referred to him as the 18 year old with the great butt. Cuz he was, and he did (still does actually, but that's besides the point).

He whisked into my life like a warm breeze on a wintery day...talking to him for but seconds before he was shushed out the door of the club. But there was a connection there, an instant attraction. I didn't find out till much later that he was only 18. We bet on a game of 9-ball for our first date i.e. "If I win this game, you have to give me your number and let me take you out to dinner...If you win, I'll do one thing...but whatever you want." Too tempting an offer not to take right? Cuz either way I won. If I win I get to make him do whatever I want...and if I lose I get to have a hot guy take me out to dinner...win/win. This was on the second time we bumped into each other, which of course, led to the first date. I lost the first game, but barely and by the end of the game I had decided what I wanted if I won...

"Best 2 out of 3?"

"Okay, sure...you really want to win now don't you?"

"Yeah, cuz I know what I want."

And then he smiled...he smiled the smile that will always live in my memory. One of the things that I'll never forget was that half-cocked, much-deeper-things-going-on-in-my-head smile.

I lost the second game too, but he stepped up his pool game quite a bit for the second round (he realized in the first game that I can actually play when I'm feeling competitive).

"Well?" he asks.

"Well what?"

"What did you want? With that smile you had, I'm too curious not to at least know, even if I did win."

A deviant smile. "Well, you would have still taken me out to dinner and paid, but you would have worn the dress!" *giggling*

More smiles. "Humm...interesting. That would have been quite amusing actually to see people looking at us with me in the dress and you..."

Interrupted. "...in a suit." Both Laughing.

"That would have been really funny actually...you wanna try again?", he teased.

And it just went from there...what girl can resist a guy who's that confident, and who's willing to keep a promise even at the expense of wearing a dress, and who can laugh at himself enough to realize just how funny it would be to see that live: A man and a woman walk into a nice restaurant, the man in the dress and the woman in a suit...but the man pays.

Things between us were just that easy. We fought and argued (and then "made up"). We danced and laughed. We made love like nothing else mattered in the world but each other. So I learned to deal with his youth because he had the maturity I was looking for in a man. And then, his youth was very appealing, and even now, that's the thing I remember most about him. Carefree spirit, long kisses even if the whole town was watching, fast cars, and endless hope for the future.

One night we went out for coffee at my favorite little place in the village...and on the way home (I drove, which was rare since he loved his cars so much) in my car, I was speeding down 21st like there was no traffic (but there was) and passing cars like I had plenty of space to do it (but there wasn't). You know, typical "me" driving style. The whole time he was just smiling away and chuckling a little bit because (I asked) "I would have just done that exact same thing," and "you drive just like me." I know I do, which is why when everybody else in his car was hanging on for dear life, I was smiling away and leaning my head out the window to catch the summer wind and sun on my face and hair. I was never scared of his driving, cuz I could tell everything he was gonna do next in the car...cuz I would have done exactly the same thing.

Then we got on the highway...he was still smiling away in my passenger seat. And as I sped up to about 80 or 90 in a 65 zone and darted by 3 cars in 2 different lanes only to dart back into the fast lane, he looked at me and said, "You're really trying to make me fall in love with you aren't you?" "I don't know...is that what's happening?"

But then, as all good things must end...one night something happened. And now, we both say we don't remember what it was (I do), and we had a fight (I pretend I don't remember what it was about, but I do...it was just silly) and then we stopped seeing each other. Honestly, I think he remembers too, but he denies it. I do too, because it's much easier to be the really amazing friends that we've become since then if neither of us "remembers" the powder keg fight we had. It's much easier to play dumb than it is to dreg it back up from the bottom of the loch and try to figure out who was right (Neither of us was, for the record)3 years later. Why ruin a great friendship with a stupid petty argument that's been over for years?

But Kevin, he loves James Dean and he loves Skid Row. I still remember him telling me how "18 and life" was his favorite Row song as he was driving 90 down I-65 South...and I remember thinking how well the song suited him. That song and that realization made him a permanent part of my memory, because now I can't hear that song without thinking about him.

Kevin will always be my James Dean 18 year old epitome of youth. Even though, he's no longer 18, and even if he's no longer mine. I can't even tell you how many times he brought up his favorite quote:

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." (James Dean) And he always did, and still does even now.

Simple (wo)Man

Today, for Valentine's day I got a gift in the mail. Now this makes for two holidays in a row that I normally hate that were made better by two specific people. Today i got, as a valentine's gift, more of my favorite wisconsin beer and fresh steaks. And I couldn't be more excited about the gift. The steak went bad before it got here, but that doesn't take away from the fact of it. Cuz with me, it's always the thought behind it that counts more than the actual gift. And that was a perfect present...what better way to say "I heart U" on VDay than with beer and steak? heh...god, i'm a simple person.

"No thanks, I don't want any champagne and caviar...but I'd kill for a beer and a big ass steak." Oh well...simple pleasures.

Now, I'm off here to go lie down...I feel like shit--yes, I think I actually did get sick. Go figure.

The backside of day 3

Yeah, so today is day 3 of my little experiment...and i want a cigarette so bad right now it's not funny. Yesterday and the day before were not as bad as today. I know myself too well...but at least I don't yet owe anybody $3.00 cuz so far nobody has bet against me. Oh well...just thought I would share the progress with everybody. But please don't think less of me if you see me with cigarettes next time you see me...cuz it just might happen...i'm trying really hard not to...but....

i had to go see the fucking doctor today...i hate him with a fucking firey passion that is only further inflamed by his blantant ignorance and his unpunctual-make-a-girl-in-a-lot-of-pain-wait-for-two-hours way of running his slipshod excuse for a "specialist" business. Fuck him! Fuck you DR. STEIN!!! you make me want to smoke a whole pack, just from waiting so long in your fucking small ass little room with no windows or music.

For Ye of Little Faith..

The Bidding will Start at 3 days and $3.00.

Yes that's right, I'm once again going to try to give up smoking...god help all the people around me for the next few weeks. I'm also giving up having sex. Yes, my two favorite things, are going bye bye. Starting today at 8 am.

Now, let me clarify, I do NOT (definitelynoti'mnotcrazy)plan to give up sex permanently...just until BoY gets back and find out what's up. Cuz I don't really want to be that girl who lost a great guy just because she couldn't wait a few months for sex...and even if it turns out to be nothing, at least it gives me a few months to get over him without the constant stress of trying to start over..yet again.

Now then, for ye of little faith...by all means bet against me! I will start the bidding myself in fact. If I don't make it past 3 days with the smoking, I will pay $3.00 to anybody who bets against me. But also, feel free to bet amongst yourselves...as it's probably too tempting not to, for those of you who know just how MANY times I've tried to quit smoking...(or quit having sex for that matter).

So yeah, there's 3 things to bet on...which one I'll go back to first; how many days/weeks i'll make without cigarettes; and how many weeks/months I'll make it without sex. I've gone ahead and given some insider information on this one. Maybe you'll take the hint.

If not, *whispers* I have already gone about 3 weeks without sex, so if you're gonna bet on that one, guess high!

hehe...have fun with my misery, might as well, 'specially since I'm already having fun with it.

W-day aka My heroes (edit-2)

So it's now officially w-day...otherwise known as wednesday or the day that several military funerals are taking place all at once on fort campbell...a.k.a. the day that those crazy baptists are coming to protest yet another military funeral, claiming that god hates all military men/women and that they are glad that they are coming home in pieces.

Now, rather than give them more press attention than they deserve, which is exactly what they want...I'd rather take another tangent.

It always amazes me the things people will do claiming that it's in the name of free speech and their first amendment rights...wonder if those people would be so brave and bold as to protest funerals in another country....*musing* too bad america doesn't have any "beyond-government-control" guerrilla groups roaming around like they do in most latin-american countries. Then maybe they'd be picked off and never heard from again...*sarcastic mocking voice* and then the government wouldn't be able to do anything about it *done*.

It further never ceases to amaze and astound me the things people will carry out in God's name. Now I know that it is not my place to judge anybody else's opinion or beliefs when it comes to religion, seeing as how I do not practice any specific faith (but rather practice all of them collectively), but I wonder how people can committ atrocities, blame religious faith and think that they are "secured" a place in heaven. Not everybody gets to heaven, even the bible says this...though most Christians think that the number in the bible of the "number" of people going to heaven was just meant to "represent" a "large number"...(i.e. anybody can get to heaven b/c that was just meant as an example of a really large number of people). I'm not one of those people that thinks that. Everything else in the Bible is taking quite literally, and overanalyzed to the point of being redunant in trying to "prove" that what the bible says REALLY IS the word of God, and that it was meant to be read exactly as it says it...so why only when it comes to the "number of people going to heaven" do people try to "read more into" what is written than what is actually there?

Lots of people claim relgious beliefs and then don't practice them in their lives...so what else is new? But to claim to be Christians only to spread hate? Seems fishy to me. Maybe it's just me and my "skewed" view of religion and spirituality, but to me, spreading hate and violence and claiming that you're doing "God's will" doesn't seem like the best way to get to "Heaven", if that's where you want to go.

Right now, the Houses and Senates of both Kentucky and Tennessee (and several other states I've heard rumored) are working on passing a bill that would prevent protests of this sort...but they worded it very well, b/c they aren't stopping them from being there (i.e. taking away their freedom to peaceably assemble and express their freedom of speech) they are just taking away their ability to be disruptive...in other words, it has to ACTUALLY BE peaceful. I dont' think that the Legislative bodies will be able to overturn this one , like they did in kansas .

But I know where I stand. Those idiots can protest all the funerals and tragedies they want, as for me, I know who my heroes are. In terms of Career goals my heroes include Anne Rice , Stephen King and Tim Burton . But the rest...my real lifelong heroes: Gaelin aka Aaron , Crimsonsparrow aka Matt , My Dad who just recently retired, Shawno!! , Squibb , Brandyn, Peyton, Al , Tyler, Dan, Josh, Bob , Dave , Jeremy, Logan who still hasn't fully recovered from having fought and served, John B., Scott, Rod, Mary, Albert , Jarrod, My Little Brother , Jay , Jamie, Jason, Nick, and of course all the other men and women who have/will serve and fight and die for my rights...what superhero can say that? As for me...

I think that one is hillarious.
My Little Brother working in Iraq.
Jeremy.
Aaron.
Dan. Rod who I've known longer than most people out there in the world.
Josh.
Jon B.
Bob and Shawno!! respectively.


And if anybody else would like to contribute pictures, either of yourself b/c i have named you above and don't have a pic, or for any other reason drop a comment or shoot me an email, and I will add them to this blog.

A Blog off a Blog

"A tower, all that remained of a once great and beautiful city, now twisted and dark. Sometimes I find myself wondering if this is how Roland felt." --From Gaelin's Blog titled Ramblings in the Night

The books that he's referring to...fuck it, if you don't know, you don't deserve to know my thoughts on them.

When Roland was searching, I knew I was right there with him...but if was anybody besides him, it would have been the little boy, Jake. Mostly though, I could see best through Roland's eyes, the passion, the mania of trying so desperately to find only one thing...and not caring about anything along the way. Didn't care who died, or who he had to "drop" to get where he was going. Ended up becoming a multi-billionaire through strategic buying of property at the exact right place and "time", but that didn't matter, cuz he was a man obsessed with finding his tower.

And then there's the author, my "Maine" man, whose writing I have always loved because I've never been really sure if he was writing from imagination or experience...perhaps, like any writer, it's a little of both. But some things just hit a little too close to home for my liking to believe it was entirely fiction...some things he's written about from a "fiction" standpoint that I have actually done...and some things that I know can be done, but it doesn't mean I have actually done them...yet.

It's easy to dream big dreams when you're young...the older we get, the harder it gets to dream big...to live the James Dean motto...the Skid Row "18 and Life" mentality (which my friend Kevin will always embody to me...even though he's well past 18 now--perhaps that is another rant).

Youth is wasted on the young? Is it or no? It's easy to believe in things and most especially yourself, when you're young, cuz you have your whole life ahead of you. But what if you didn't? What if you knew when you were going to die? Would you live your life differently? Perhaps. But most of us don't know...some of should be dead already but aren't and still haven't changed the way they live (me? yep...I'm one of the latter). Instead we get older and we make another choice and another...and every choice we make eliminates an alternate path, a different choice. I've realized that if I want to do the great things I have planned, I need to get started on them while I still have a little bit of child-like dream-potential left. But how do you get there? That's always the issue isn't it? How do I get to the tower?

I already know what I must give up to get there...I'm just not sure if I want to let go...

"Ok, but you're not gonna let me fall again are you?"

"No, not this time." *But he's still not so sure*

Duality

No apologies to Slipknot (and if i had a good page for them, I would have linked it)...one because I love the band, and it could very possibly be because of the dual-nature of the band itself...so I don't feel I need to apologize for liking a band for having the same characteristics as me...and what?? they make one song with that title and suddenly they have sole rights to use of the word?!?! fuck that!

I've always known that I'm very much a dual-nature kind of person...I never fit in anywhere growing up and not necessarily ONLY because I'm odd and don't take anybody's shit...mostly, i think, it was because I
really
just
didn't
fit.

And I refused to change myself so that I would fit...I'm the type who almost always an "all or nothing" girl. Go big or go home. Live free or die. Stand up or get run over. Black and white. Yin and yang. Harmony...my favorite word. I'm not order, I'm not chaos...I'm both...sometimes simultaneously. Don't misunderstand...I'm not even trying to say that I'm gray-area-somewhere-in-the-middle-of-the-road-indecisive-blended-coffee-with-milk-and-sugar type. I'm not a "mix" of anything...I'm both. At the same time. I'm either this or that...not somewhere in between.

Recently though, this has been bothering me a little bit. Especially where work and home life is concerned. At work, I'm one way, and at home, a totally different way. I'm not one of those people who thinks I have to be one or the other, I mean i'm BI for chrissakes, but it's odd to me, because I'm happy with both things. I like my job, I don't really mind wearing nice clothes or sitting at a desk all day (most of the time). However, I also love goth clothing...vinyl boots and dresses, fishnets, corsets, skirts that barely cover my ass, crazy black concert t-shirts, dark eye liner (all over my face in various drawings), spikes and collars and big ass boots, and the goth way of life the mind set of it...that's me more than any other thing I've found in my life. I've always been slightly odd, but now I'm an odd, weird girl living in two different worlds.

Last night after work, I was thinking about and lately when I've been getting dressed in the morning for work, I keep thinking, "Man, what I wouldn't give to just wear a fucking t-shirt today." So last night, because I was in a good mood already (and didn't want my roommate and his girlfriend to destroy it) and because I really just wanted to wear something besides a fucking suit!, I decided to go out. Honestly, I didnt' really have any interest in going out, outside of wearing different clothes...and yes, i know I could have worn them at home...but what's the point of that?? So i put on my red plaid, pleated skirt that skims over my thighs mid-way to my knee, and an ozzy shirt (black) that had his face on it and said, "got blood?" (done in the style of the got milk? commercial pictures) and it felt great...i put on red knee socks and my black and white mary jane style saddle shoes, and a red vinyl collar and I was ready to go...it felt like the greatest thing I'd done in years...and that's when it hit me. The new job is stifling me.

I'm used to being two-sided...all the time not, one person in one particular place, and a totally different person in a totally different place. I can't be myself when I'm at work...I have to be what they want me to be. And I do it, but I'm starting to not like myself for it...because there's only part of me that likes doing what "they" think I "should" do...the other part wants to let them know for real, why I always wear long sleeve shirts, and the real reason I carry a purse with spikes on it. !!!CUZ I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR THE BUSINESS WORLD!!! I have tattoos and know the tricks for not sweating in vinyl dresses, and I listen to metal.

But like i said, it's not that part of me doesn't like being in nice business attire and having a good job, and having bosses that are constantly showing their confidence in me by giving me more responsibilites, but it's more that when I'm here (yeah, I'm "hard" at work now) there is no balance...I only get to be one thing...I can't even show that I might be, even a little bit, of both sides of the fence.

But sorry Gaelin, I don't have any pics of last night...but when I get home much later, I may be able to find some alternate pictures...for now, you'll have to settle for the visual description of my outfit of last night...*evil laugh*

One-liner tonight

The Duality of my life is starting to get to me...tonight I was desperate to get out just so that I could actually wear a t-shirt and a "real" skirt. (Possibly more about this topic later...had a whole rave/rant in my head about it all, but 2 am is not the time for it...I don't have time for most things these days except for work and sleep).

Slight Correction

Due to getting yelled at by a particular person (one of the most important people in my life) for what i wrote in the previous blog, i feel the need to clarify something I said.

The person that i called a psycho boy...well, i stand by that opinion, however, the reason i feel that way is simple. I do not actually know him, he's was checking my blog like 3 times a day, and if i didn't have statcounter I never would have known he was watching me at all. I think this is the virtual equivalent of driving by my house ten times a day (i.e. stalker behavior) and even though there might not be anybody who knows that a person is driving by your house 10 times a day, it doesn't change the fact that it happened.

Further, I'm glad I'm so interesting to you that you linger on my every random thought and last brain cell screaming for oxygen in the form of my journal, but all I'm saying is...if you're gonna drive by my house that many times a day, at least stop in on occasion and say hi...so that I know you're doing it.