Duality
No apologies to Slipknot (and if i had a good page for them, I would have linked it)...one because I love the band, and it could very possibly be because of the dual-nature of the band itself...so I don't feel I need to apologize for liking a band for having the same characteristics as me...and what?? they make one song with that title and suddenly they have sole rights to use of the word?!?! fuck that!
I've always known that I'm very much a dual-nature kind of person...I never fit in anywhere growing up and not necessarily ONLY because I'm odd and don't take anybody's shit...mostly, i think, it was because I
really
just
didn't
fit.
And I refused to change myself so that I would fit...I'm the type who almost always an "all or nothing" girl. Go big or go home. Live free or die. Stand up or get run over. Black and white. Yin and yang. Harmony...my favorite word. I'm not order, I'm not chaos...I'm both...sometimes simultaneously. Don't misunderstand...I'm not even trying to say that I'm gray-area-somewhere-in-the-middle-of-the-road-indecisive-blended-coffee-with-milk-and-sugar type. I'm not a "mix" of anything...I'm both. At the same time. I'm either this or that...not somewhere in between.
Recently though, this has been bothering me a little bit. Especially where work and home life is concerned. At work, I'm one way, and at home, a totally different way. I'm not one of those people who thinks I have to be one or the other, I mean i'm BI for chrissakes, but it's odd to me, because I'm happy with both things. I like my job, I don't really mind wearing nice clothes or sitting at a desk all day (most of the time). However, I also love goth clothing...vinyl boots and dresses, fishnets, corsets, skirts that barely cover my ass, crazy black concert t-shirts, dark eye liner (all over my face in various drawings), spikes and collars and big ass boots, and the goth way of life the mind set of it...that's me more than any other thing I've found in my life. I've always been slightly odd, but now I'm an odd, weird girl living in two different worlds.
Last night after work, I was thinking about and lately when I've been getting dressed in the morning for work, I keep thinking, "Man, what I wouldn't give to just wear a fucking t-shirt today." So last night, because I was in a good mood already (and didn't want my roommate and his girlfriend to destroy it) and because I really just wanted to wear something besides a fucking suit!, I decided to go out. Honestly, I didnt' really have any interest in going out, outside of wearing different clothes...and yes, i know I could have worn them at home...but what's the point of that?? So i put on my red plaid, pleated skirt that skims over my thighs mid-way to my knee, and an ozzy shirt (black) that had his face on it and said, "got blood?" (done in the style of the got milk? commercial pictures) and it felt great...i put on red knee socks and my black and white mary jane style saddle shoes, and a red vinyl collar and I was ready to go...it felt like the greatest thing I'd done in years...and that's when it hit me. The new job is stifling me.
I'm used to being two-sided...all the time not, one person in one particular place, and a totally different person in a totally different place. I can't be myself when I'm at work...I have to be what they want me to be. And I do it, but I'm starting to not like myself for it...because there's only part of me that likes doing what "they" think I "should" do...the other part wants to let them know for real, why I always wear long sleeve shirts, and the real reason I carry a purse with spikes on it. !!!CUZ I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR THE BUSINESS WORLD!!! I have tattoos and know the tricks for not sweating in vinyl dresses, and I listen to metal.
But like i said, it's not that part of me doesn't like being in nice business attire and having a good job, and having bosses that are constantly showing their confidence in me by giving me more responsibilites, but it's more that when I'm here (yeah, I'm "hard" at work now) there is no balance...I only get to be one thing...I can't even show that I might be, even a little bit, of both sides of the fence.
But sorry Gaelin, I don't have any pics of last night...but when I get home much later, I may be able to find some alternate pictures...for now, you'll have to settle for the visual description of my outfit of last night...*evil laugh*
I've always known that I'm very much a dual-nature kind of person...I never fit in anywhere growing up and not necessarily ONLY because I'm odd and don't take anybody's shit...mostly, i think, it was because I
really
just
didn't
fit.
And I refused to change myself so that I would fit...I'm the type who almost always an "all or nothing" girl. Go big or go home. Live free or die. Stand up or get run over. Black and white. Yin and yang. Harmony...my favorite word. I'm not order, I'm not chaos...I'm both...sometimes simultaneously. Don't misunderstand...I'm not even trying to say that I'm gray-area-somewhere-in-the-middle-of-the-road-indecisive-blended-coffee-with-milk-and-sugar type. I'm not a "mix" of anything...I'm both. At the same time. I'm either this or that...not somewhere in between.
Recently though, this has been bothering me a little bit. Especially where work and home life is concerned. At work, I'm one way, and at home, a totally different way. I'm not one of those people who thinks I have to be one or the other, I mean i'm BI for chrissakes, but it's odd to me, because I'm happy with both things. I like my job, I don't really mind wearing nice clothes or sitting at a desk all day (most of the time). However, I also love goth clothing...vinyl boots and dresses, fishnets, corsets, skirts that barely cover my ass, crazy black concert t-shirts, dark eye liner (all over my face in various drawings), spikes and collars and big ass boots, and the goth way of life the mind set of it...that's me more than any other thing I've found in my life. I've always been slightly odd, but now I'm an odd, weird girl living in two different worlds.
Last night after work, I was thinking about and lately when I've been getting dressed in the morning for work, I keep thinking, "Man, what I wouldn't give to just wear a fucking t-shirt today." So last night, because I was in a good mood already (and didn't want my roommate and his girlfriend to destroy it) and because I really just wanted to wear something besides a fucking suit!, I decided to go out. Honestly, I didnt' really have any interest in going out, outside of wearing different clothes...and yes, i know I could have worn them at home...but what's the point of that?? So i put on my red plaid, pleated skirt that skims over my thighs mid-way to my knee, and an ozzy shirt (black) that had his face on it and said, "got blood?" (done in the style of the got milk? commercial pictures) and it felt great...i put on red knee socks and my black and white mary jane style saddle shoes, and a red vinyl collar and I was ready to go...it felt like the greatest thing I'd done in years...and that's when it hit me. The new job is stifling me.
I'm used to being two-sided...all the time not, one person in one particular place, and a totally different person in a totally different place. I can't be myself when I'm at work...I have to be what they want me to be. And I do it, but I'm starting to not like myself for it...because there's only part of me that likes doing what "they" think I "should" do...the other part wants to let them know for real, why I always wear long sleeve shirts, and the real reason I carry a purse with spikes on it. !!!CUZ I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR THE BUSINESS WORLD!!! I have tattoos and know the tricks for not sweating in vinyl dresses, and I listen to metal.
But like i said, it's not that part of me doesn't like being in nice business attire and having a good job, and having bosses that are constantly showing their confidence in me by giving me more responsibilites, but it's more that when I'm here (yeah, I'm "hard" at work now) there is no balance...I only get to be one thing...I can't even show that I might be, even a little bit, of both sides of the fence.
But sorry Gaelin, I don't have any pics of last night...but when I get home much later, I may be able to find some alternate pictures...for now, you'll have to settle for the visual description of my outfit of last night...*evil laugh*
posted by AeroAangel at 12:17
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