Trying to heal

I hate arabic...ok got that out of the way...now i can actually move on i hope.

I wish i was going to the cruxshadows show next week, but sadly i'm far away...i'm trying to find out of they are doing any shows nearby here, but having little luck with their actual website...it apparently takes a really really long time to load but they have a music player that helps pass the time...they came to LA but for one that's really far away and for two it was on the same day i got here...some luck i got here. oh well, let it go i guess...hope you all have fun anyhow. i have tons of things to say but i don't really feel like talking right now...honestly i feel like drinking and taking up smoking again, but that's a whole other ball of wax...don't worry. i'm getting by...barely.

"the children of a newer day might remember and avoid our fate."

"you've asked me for my sacrifice and i am winter born."

"i hear the angels call my name and i am winter born."

Thoughts about myself and Cash

So I'm reading the book Cash, by the late great one. And one of his quotes got me thinking...I wrote a little journal entry about it.

"Then she said, 'God has His hand on you, son. Don't ever forget the gift.' [...] My job was to care for it and use it well; I was its bearer, not its owner." (72-3)

The actual journal entry I wrote about it, is not sensical enough to appear on my blog as it is only bits and pieces of thoughts that mostly will only make sense to myself...but they will help me to never forget that quote.

It gets to me because I began to wonder about my own gifts and which things I have as talents and hobbies that aren't truly gifts from the gods and which ones are. And if they are truly my God-gifts then I should be able to use them all the time in my life to make others happy, to make my impact on the world...after all, that's what the gods give us the gifts for in the first place. At least, that's what I believe: our gifts help us make an impact on the world. Maybe someday soon I will be able to do that too.

Biographies have always been very interesting to me to read because it seems to me that personal accounts tell history better than regular generic summarization type history books. A short summary doesn't really tell the story about what it was like to be at that point of history. And I'm especially interested in the lives and times of people who made themselves from nothing and became something important: it gives me hope. Maybe one day I won't be in shits anymore, I'll be on top of the word! (not world, word) I said this today to the woman I went to the mall with and she said you think you're in the dumps? What's so bad about your life? Because what I actually said to her earlier today was "It makes me feel like my life might not always be so terrible, that it might eventually get better."

And then...it came out. I finally told somebody who's here how unhappy I've been here...that I've basically just been putting on a good show of pretending to be "okay". She suggested I "change it" if I'm that unhappy. Easier said than done.

222

Today is 222, no matter how I write it...haha. I really wanted to write something brilliant tonight but inspriation is hard to get when I have to type in front of strangers...more stories are brewing though, just as they always seem to when I'm having down moods. Maybe there's a reason that all the great writers were depressive or insomniacs: that's the only time the muses visit. At any rate...today was a half and half day--too bad none of my current readers understand the really old Cafe Coco-esque reference. The words people used to be afraid to utter at CC...haha. Oh well, at least I'm amused. It rained today, but it was a cold rain, and I had things that needed keeping dry, so it was wasn't fun rain. I haven't had much "fun" anything since I've been here...I met a guy from Nash-area today though in my class and thought that was kinda cool. We talked about how great the Pancake Pantry is...hehe. And I ran into a girl I went to college with at the food place the other morning. Apparently, she's been seeing me around lately and wondering and finally decided to ask where I went. Small f'ing world we got here.

And Australia's like...

I hate it here. I wanna go home. In other news, the docs never figured out what's wrong with me and apparently they don't care: instead of actually "looking into" what's wrong with me they upped my meds. I hate pills! So the sea-sickness on land has not improved at all, and the meds that were supposed to make it stop, didn't...so yeah. Basically the meds just made me not care that I'm dizzy anymore and gave me a really bad fucking headache. But at least my classes are boring...the first few weeks they teach us all the english we should have already known (I already knew it) that most don't. Example: what is a subjective complement? or what is the object of the preposition? You know, basic stuff...haha. And we get to do it all week! yay. *unenthused*

I need a break from all this crap. I wanna see my friends again...I kept hoping that they would tell me to go on convo leave, but the Major said no...b/c if they recycle me this early they might change my job...big deal. At this point, I'm not sure I really care anyhow...I didn't wanna learn the stupid language they picked for me anyways. It sounds like somebody's trying to hawk a loogie everytime they speak...who really wants to talk like that? I mean really?

I need beer...think I'll get some on the way back to the b's...but maybe I shouldn't. It's a school night...heh. *teasing mocking voice*

Please advise: One single white female seeks somebody to hit her in the head a bunch of times with a hammer just so she'll feel something different than nothing. Must be willing to listen to whining and carry her around when she's in too much pain to walk. Recommend that they don't come with own emotional baggage cuz she will be most unwilling to carry it for you.

Humm...can you tell what kind of mood I'm in? heh heh

New around here

It's hard to be the new person. I've always known that, but here it seems to be even harder than normal...I guess that's because I don't have a ride. I had a dream about my car last night...in the dream the monsters at the car repair shop had turned my beautiful eclipse into a hearse...I think that's probably a bad sign, and a good thing I don't still actually own that car. I miss TN and I would like to see my "family" there again...I miss wisconsin too...and somehow I miss Las Vegas even though I've never really officially been there (I only slept at the airport for several hours on my way home from basic). I still haven't met any people that I can relate to yet...the only people I see on post that *almost pass* for goths don't even do that very well. I wanna scream at them, "Buying a marilyn manson shirt does not make you a goth!" but I don't...I just don't talk to them when they look at me like I'm somebody who *should* be talking to them. Sorry kiddies! I'm not. You wouldn't last 5 minutes at one of my parties...go home to your mommy now. And I have no interest in getting to know the very few cute boys I've seen around here...maybe they're not "hard corps" enough for me...who knows? Everybody here is super smart supposedly and nobody is allowed to talk about what we do...go figure. The marines have the most appeal to me, but even they look like pussies compared to my infantry friends. oh well...boyfriends are overrated!

Happy belated single awareness day! I was sick on the dreaded day....lucky me.

P.S. I just logged out to try to eat chow and the f'ing dfac was already closed. Rat bastards! What kind of fucking place closes for dinner at 6pm on a saturday?? I was five fucking minutes after 6 and the doors were already locked...and p.s. i hate the new blogger!!! expect my blog to change soon...soon as i figure out which of my others i like better. I did not want my blog attached to google...I don't trust google. it knows too much already.

at any rate, back to the original post oh never mind i'm too pissed at blogger now to remember where i was going with that post anyhow.