Last Thoughts

Tomorrow morning I leave Nevada to head off to the great beyond known as basic training. I'm getting very nervous about the whole thing, the closer it gets. I'll be in TN for about a day and a half and I leave out Tuesday afternoon.

A new change in my life brings to the surface all of the "could-have-beens" that I've left behind over the years. All the things I really wanted to do when I graduated from high school, the things I wanted to do after I graduated college....but none of them happened. Instead, I ended up on the same path as my parents, well at least the same path as my dad: the military. Same thing my brother did, and my uncle and my grandfather, and my other uncle...I come from a long line of military brats.

And I know that I have chosen this path, and that it really is what I want to do...but if I had it to do again, I can't help but think that I might have changed some things. There are some things that I would have really liked to do, but I'm way too wise about time change to think that anything can actually be changed. It can't! Because given the same circumstances you'll make the same choice over and over again...when time travel happens (yes when not if) a person does not get the benefit of hindsight...so I know that I actually wouldn't change things, but I can't help but wonder if my life would have been different if I had chosen to do other things with it besides what I've done.

In the army now! Wish me luck at basic and to those of you who have given me your addresses, I will try to write to all of you. If I haven't gotten your address then I guess you'll just have to wait to hear from me after basic.

I'm also sad because my beloved cat, Potions, still has not come back to me. I wonder if he just left because he knew I was going away soon? It's hard to say. Either way it makes me very sad because that cat is my heart. Tomorrow I leave and I don't hold out hope that he will magically come back tonight and save me the heartache of thinking I've lost him forever. Just one more thing God has taken away from me trying to make me stronger...but this time I'm very angry about it.

This is my path, and ultimately I'll walk it alone. Friends come and go and walk with me for a while, but they can never stay forever. That's just too long of a time. The year is already almost over and it will be when I finish with basic training. I feel the pain of the end so deeply now that I know it can't be far off, and still I'm not trained, and still I haven't found the only thing that I ever wanted...maybe I won't ever find it.

**Thoughts and typing shall end here as it's only making me very sad**

My love is gone

And could be gone forever....

My baby, my cat Potions has wandered off. Today is day four of not seeing him...I miss him, and don't know why he won't come home. My mom, the horrible person, who let him out seems totally unconcerned that he's still gone.

I'm in the middle of the desert, and my cat's been gone for four days now...there are coyotes and scorpions and tarantulas running wild out here any of which could seriously maim a cat...not to mention it's the fucking desert!!! and a human can only go without water for like 2 or 3 days...where is he getting food and water from?

I hope he's not dead...I can't handle that right before going to basic...

last time he got out he was gone for almost a week, but that was in tn, where i imagine water and food would have been easier to find when he was roaming about.

Hiking in Yosemite

Yesterday was a good day, until I got back to the house.

I went out hiking with my dad all day. We drove out to california and went hiking in Yosemite. We hiked about 5 miles roundtrip...we went to the top of a small mountain. It was really neat...somewhere near the top the trail ended and all there was to climb was solid granite...so we climbed up through it to get all the way to the top. It was very scary because on one side of us was a very steep sheer cliff all the way to the bottom and the part we were climbing was steep but slanted towards the top of the granite mound. Somewhere very near the top I got really scared and slightly sick feeling (almost like motion sickness, but for heights) and I decided to stop. My dad kept climbing to get to the top over the ledge just next to me and soon disapeared. I sat down on the slightly flat place I had found and regained myself again. Then a few minutes later I realized how much I would hate myself to get this close to the top and not actually look around from the summit...so I forced myself to get up and I began climbing up the rock ledge, deciding that I just wasn't going to look back at the slope of granite behind me.

That granite slope was very scary because I knew one wrong step and I'd be sliding off the mountain and that's the reason I stopped initially. But I'm really glad I forced myself to go on, even though I was afraid. Even at the top, I was very afraid of slipping to my untimely death, but the view was so awesome that it was worth the fear. I took a couple of pictures and then my dad and I climbed back down.

I kept hoping the whole time that we would see a black bear; I really like bears, and the tour guide book said that bears run wild in the woods. But I did not get so lucky yesterday as to see one.

Then as we were coming back down the mountain pass that we had to drive through just to get to the park, it started snowing. It snowed there the day before too which is why my dad and I didn't try to spend the whole weekend there hiking and camping. Camping in the snow is no fun. Getting stuck on the top of a mountain until the pass thaws would have sucked even more. At the top of the mountain we climbed we were about 10,000 feet up, so it was hard to breathe there...but as we came back down the mountain we were glad we left the park when we did--we almost started on another hike, but neither of us liked the way the clouds looked that were rolling in very quickly.

And if I hadn't had to come home to argue with my mother for like the 50th time since I've been here, it would have been a great day.

I'm here

I'm safe, and didn't die...the cats are ok after the grueling 3 day trip across the country...and now here i am in the middle of nowhere in a desert in nevada somewhere outside of reno...and already bored.

my mom has become my grandmother! proof positive that it happens! we really do become our parents i guess. she now has something like 10 (exaggeration) dogs and my cat that we've had since i was in 3rd grade is still alive, but barely kicking...i don't think he can hear anymore, and his fur has started to look patchy like a really old teddy bear's.

today i have to find time to unpack the truck at my grandma's house and at my storage unit...apparently my parents got a storage space b/c my dad has filled the garage with beer paraphrenalia...he collects beer cans and various other beer related items and has since he was like 10...so he has A LOT!! of stuff.

my dad and i are going out camping and hiking this weekend...that should be a lot of fun, i haven't had much alone time with my dad in a really long time...and i'm still daddy's little girl. so i'm very excited at the prospect of spending a whole weekend camping and hiking with him...after all, he's the one who got me interested in camping and hiking in the first place...my dad always was an "outdoorsy" kind of guy...in other news, it's very odd to see him and have him not be in the military anymore....he had to get up at 4 this morning for work and it !!just now!! occurred to me that he wasn't doing that to go to the base...*very suspicious slow strange voice* he......has......some.......other.......job.....now......

and i don't even know what it is...ha!

ok look for more entries soon...today is just an update to let everybody know i got here ok and that i will return to the e-world soon...