Things I just deleted off of Myspace

Here are two entries that i just deleted off of myspace, cuz well this is my new place to put the sad ones that nobody really wants to read anyhow... so yeah

Drunkeness does not make one forget Current mood: drunk So now i'm very drunk, went pub crawling tonight, and still didn't manage to forget...in fact, i'm not sure that it's not worse now. I'm having trouble typing too...lol. my friend rob, who was my "odd" (other designate drinker)/driver...kept telling me that i shouldn't blame myself for what happened to john...but it's not as simple as all that....i'm a person who HAS been pushed to that edge...and how would i expect my "last straw" to feel if i actually succeeded one of these times? also, there's lots of things that remind me of him...u know how every time ur really "with" somebody that u pick up certain of their habits? well...every day i think about john...one of the habits i picked up from him...was how to pack cigarettes...so every day that i buy a new pack....there he is staring me in the face again...cuz i can't even pretend tha i got it from anywhere else...so what do u do in a situation like this? "the rumours flew...but nobody knew how much she blamed herself, for years and years...she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath...she finally drank her pain away a little at a time, but she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind, until the day...." lay me next to him beneath the willow and let the angels sing a whiskey lull-a-bye... still got the song in my head...the other song though, that for some strange reason brings him to mind.....(wrong way...see below) Currently listening: Sublime By Sublime Release date: By 30 July, 1996 3:38 AM -

Wednesday, November 23, 2005 I hate thanksgiving Current mood: distressed Aside from the liberal politics of the whole fucking holiday (i.e. indians help white men out by giving them food only to be killed off and have their land taken away) i hate thanksgiving anyway. Well, i guess not so much the holiday itself, any day that it's okay to eat like a pig and then fall asleep watching the football game is generally ok with me...it's the day before that gets me. I went out drinking tonight...trying to forget...i even got dressed all cute so that i would feel like being social, and it worked, generally speaking. Except, then i tried to leave the bar...the crowd had thinned out and the "alright" guy i was talking to was so drunk that he looked about to ralph...so i said goodbye to "person x" and left. but as i was driving away...it all hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. and it was technically the day of now...for those who know...i'm talking about my "pbr bender" day. i'll leave it at that to avoid crying while i'm typing. But it happens every year on the same day, or at least it has for the past 4 years or so...man it doesn't seem like it was that long ago, but i vividly remember 3 pbr bender days, previous to this one...so i guess it must have been at least that. even when i try to avoid it, when i try not to think about it, it still comes...and tonight/this morning after all was said and done...(yeah i went to another bar played "video crack" for a few hours had a few more beers and then breakfast at johnny's with a guy named andy...who lives in indianapolis--for some insane reason he came to clarksville on vacation!) ...*continuation* after all was said and done and i was heading home...i felt like joining him...and then the part that nobody really knows about the why of the pbr bender (well maybe some do, but whatever) there's a part of me that blames myself for it...and more than in the "why-didn't-he-call-me or what-could-i-have-done?" sort of way... i never got to talk to anybody who actually read his note, the note that was all he left...i only got a "gist" version from somebody else...and i still haven't stopped wondering if it was me that pushed him over...if i was his "last straw". and it's too late to ask or find out the truth. it's almost 6 am...i've had more beer than i should have drank and still drove home, but i'm still not tired...i still can't sleep. right now i feel like i don't wanna sleep again...but i'm sure as soon as i stop typing and lie down, sleep will come... i still miss u john...especially at thanksgiving..and especially when i go to coco's...for those that wondered, that's why i don't like going there anymore. (sidenote:one more blog view and my total is at 666...on my pbr bender day and the cd...it's really only the one song...whiskey lullabye) Currently listening: Mud on the Tires By Brad Paisley Release date: By 22 July, 2003