Sixth Day Depression
The last year of my life has been a lie. I've been lying to myself that I have been happy, and lying to myself that eventually I would find a way to have my cake and eat it too (i.e. be in tennessee and be as happy and financially stable as I was in wisconsin).
I wish I could find a way to undo what's been done lately, but I can't. I wish I could find a way to apologize and get forgiveness for the things I've done wrong, but I can't...mostly because I can't stop doing the wrong things over and over again. Also, if I hadn't reached this "end-of-rope", I wouldn't be joining the army...don't know if that's a good thing or not. I'm happy with my choice to join, but I wouldn't have even thought about it if BoY hadn't told me the things he did. I really was happy with him, and he chose me on New Year's Eve, I probably wouldn't have talked to him otherwise cuz he wasn't really my type, and I wasn't really looking for guys at that time. I already have/had plenty of boys in my life to talk to and that treated me well (all friends, of course), but the point is I didn't really need any guys, nor did I even want them really.
Fate has a cruel sense of irony. I wouldn't be beginning a new phase of my life, if the one thing I was holding onto hadn't given up on me. And now, I can't wait to begin the new phase, cuz I absolutely can't take living here anymore, and living this way anymore.
Today would have been day 6 of not smoking, but I didn't make it through the day today. I bought a pack, smoked about a quarter of 3 cigarettes, and then all of the last one just now. I'm weak and can't resist my temptations when faced with them; I'm strong enough to know that smoking is a better option than killing myself and all the people I had to work with today--which is what I wanted to do. So...hooray for smoking! Poor Angel, not strong enough: can't quit yet!!
To all my Groundhog Day buddies: *raises a Killian's* here's to us, may we eventually stop the destructive cycle and move onto to the day after! *clinks glass*
I wish I could find a way to undo what's been done lately, but I can't. I wish I could find a way to apologize and get forgiveness for the things I've done wrong, but I can't...mostly because I can't stop doing the wrong things over and over again. Also, if I hadn't reached this "end-of-rope", I wouldn't be joining the army...don't know if that's a good thing or not. I'm happy with my choice to join, but I wouldn't have even thought about it if BoY hadn't told me the things he did. I really was happy with him, and he chose me on New Year's Eve, I probably wouldn't have talked to him otherwise cuz he wasn't really my type, and I wasn't really looking for guys at that time. I already have/had plenty of boys in my life to talk to and that treated me well (all friends, of course), but the point is I didn't really need any guys, nor did I even want them really.
Fate has a cruel sense of irony. I wouldn't be beginning a new phase of my life, if the one thing I was holding onto hadn't given up on me. And now, I can't wait to begin the new phase, cuz I absolutely can't take living here anymore, and living this way anymore.
Today would have been day 6 of not smoking, but I didn't make it through the day today. I bought a pack, smoked about a quarter of 3 cigarettes, and then all of the last one just now. I'm weak and can't resist my temptations when faced with them; I'm strong enough to know that smoking is a better option than killing myself and all the people I had to work with today--which is what I wanted to do. So...hooray for smoking! Poor Angel, not strong enough: can't quit yet!!
To all my Groundhog Day buddies: *raises a Killian's* here's to us, may we eventually stop the destructive cycle and move onto to the day after! *clinks glass*
posted by AeroAangel at 17:22
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