So much interest

I am sitting here at my computer, drinking a very disgusting beer, but it's all I have cold right now. The world changed again tonight, and I wish I could say more than that, but if I did people would just think I was fucking insane...and normally it happens when I'm not looking, and I just explain it away, rationalize it out of existence, but tonight it changed while I was fucking watching! So that's a little bolder than the changes have been lately, and it's a little odd to me at the same time. If I had any company right now, I'd probably be doing shots to try and forget...but alas, I'm alone and doing shots by myself seems like alcoholism...and nobody wants that.

At any rate, there seems to be a lot of interest in a previous post...which makes me want to delete it even more. I'm really not in any turmoil over it, it's not causing me pain right now, I just suspect that it will later if it goes to the same level when I see him that it has every other time I've seen him.

About the butterflies...the reason I have a tattoo of a butterfly on my arm is to remind myself that the butterfly feeling in my life makes me into a crazy person. I become somebody that I don't know at times...I become jealous and domineering; basically I become the typical woman! Sidenote: anybody else ever noticed that cheap beer only tastes good when it comes right from the bottle? Right now I'm drinking the beer out of a glass, but not because I'm anal about drinking out of a cup--usually I only drink good beer from a glass--but because the beer bottles smelled like cigarette smoke...don't know how that happened but I couldn't keep drinking it without smelling smoke and I'm an ex-smoker. At any rate, I just realized that pouring cheap beer into a nice beer glass makes it taste even worse than normal...sorry...sidenote ends. Anyhow...butterflies...the tattoo. Yeah, it's there to remind me that the butterflies make me crazy and to keep myself in check when I feel that feeling. And when I say butterflies I don't mean just the anxious, nervous stomach feeling...when I say "butterflies" I mean something much more beautiful than stomach issues...I'm referring to the giddy excited feeling that overtakes my whole energy. I get a huge rush and excitement fills my whole being. Very few people make me feel the butterflies like this...the other kind, that was so accurately portrayed in a comment as the anxiousness almost never overtake me...at any rate, I'm not referring to that kind of butterfly effect. heh.

So I'm fine. Really. And for those others who read, mostly the please don't be angry with me statements were directed at the person who actually knows personally what this has done to me over the past year...she would be the one who would want to condemn me for it...though I know she might never outright say, "I told ya so," she might still feel inclined to warn me against it for my own good. She'd do it, because I've been doing the same thing for her over the past year that she's had it happen to her with another person.

Yes, I know how bad it would be for me, and yes I do know that there are plenty of other people out there, and I've been seeing plenty of them in the past few months and enjoying it thoroughly. Even I didn't think I was still subject to his "spell" but I wrote that post the other day because I realized that I still am. But I'm not dumb, I know to be careful...we stopped talking the last time because I stopped calling when he wasn't giving me what I wanted. So believe me, I know what I'm doing, but I've been on this train for a good long while and I can't get off until it's actually my stop...I thought that my stop came a few months ago, but I was wrong. I can't avoid the power of the speeding train, I never could...until it crashes or stops for good, I never stop believing the best. That's me.

So please, believe me I will be looking out for my best if I do see him again...and I'm not even totally sure that that will even happen. He often says he wants to do things and then at the last minute, he cancels...so we'll see if it even happens at all. I have to fight all my own battles to through till the end. Nobody can do that for me. Please don't be afraid for me. Understand that I will not let him back into my life this time without serious explanations, and they'll have to be good to overcome what I have in my brain already about him. I know what could come, but I'm still willing to give him another chance...if nothing else, I'm very forgiving and always the optimist: always a cheerleader for love.