Bucking Futterflys: otherwise known as the f%$# post.
Fuck! How can I be so fucking stupid? What the fuck is wrong with me? I must really be a masochist. I never thought I was one, but I guess I am.
"Hi, I'm Angel...and I think I'm addicted to heartache."
"Hi...Angel."
I am so fucking mad at myself right now...when am I gonna learn my fucking lesson? Never? Yep, probably never. I thought I was over all this bull shit, but I guess I'm still addicted to him. I guess I wasn't really over it at all: I just thought I was because I never expected to talk to him again.
How come he still has so much fucking power over me? I know it's probably headed right down the drain again, for like the third time this year...but every fucking time I hear from him it's the same old bullshit.
There's me talking in the sweet voice, hoping I sound cute, hoping that he'll say that he wants to see me...hoping that he'll say he wants to stay this time. I always know when he wants to see me, even when he doesn't outright say it. He just has to barely hint at it, and I know.
Man, the fucking irony! Nobody else's hints ever even fucking register with me...but not him. His go right through; no operator or translator needed.
I don't even have to hear his tone to know, and I don't even have to hear his voice to get excited. Fucking butterflys! Why do I still get fucking butterflys everytime he communicates with me. Tonight I was all dopey and giddy and butterfly-ey just for getting a few texts in a row! Stupid Angel.
What? Do I think it's gonna be different this time? No. Do I think he's changed his mind and really wants to be with me this time? No. I know all this, and yet...I can't say "no" to him. He says he wants to meet this weekend, and I said ok.
Please don't yell at me for this--you know you want to. But I can't help it. I didn't know I still wanted him so bad until tonight when he messaged me. And yes, if he actually calls this weekend and still wants to hang out...even though, I know it'll probably be bad for me, I'll still probably let him come over.
Because even if I'm crying now for being so mad at myself and because this post dregged up a bunch of painful memories,
I
Still
Do
Want
Him.
Sue me. I'm not as strong as I'd like to think. Just please don't be angry with me for my weakness.
"Hi, I'm Angel...and I think I'm addicted to heartache."
"Hi...Angel."
I am so fucking mad at myself right now...when am I gonna learn my fucking lesson? Never? Yep, probably never. I thought I was over all this bull shit, but I guess I'm still addicted to him. I guess I wasn't really over it at all: I just thought I was because I never expected to talk to him again.
How come he still has so much fucking power over me? I know it's probably headed right down the drain again, for like the third time this year...but every fucking time I hear from him it's the same old bullshit.
There's me talking in the sweet voice, hoping I sound cute, hoping that he'll say that he wants to see me...hoping that he'll say he wants to stay this time. I always know when he wants to see me, even when he doesn't outright say it. He just has to barely hint at it, and I know.
Man, the fucking irony! Nobody else's hints ever even fucking register with me...but not him. His go right through; no operator or translator needed.
I don't even have to hear his tone to know, and I don't even have to hear his voice to get excited. Fucking butterflys! Why do I still get fucking butterflys everytime he communicates with me. Tonight I was all dopey and giddy and butterfly-ey just for getting a few texts in a row! Stupid Angel.
What? Do I think it's gonna be different this time? No. Do I think he's changed his mind and really wants to be with me this time? No. I know all this, and yet...I can't say "no" to him. He says he wants to meet this weekend, and I said ok.
Please don't yell at me for this--you know you want to. But I can't help it. I didn't know I still wanted him so bad until tonight when he messaged me. And yes, if he actually calls this weekend and still wants to hang out...even though, I know it'll probably be bad for me, I'll still probably let him come over.
Because even if I'm crying now for being so mad at myself and because this post dregged up a bunch of painful memories,
I
Still
Do
Want
Him.
Sue me. I'm not as strong as I'd like to think. Just please don't be angry with me for my weakness.
posted by AeroAangel at 18:09
7 Comments:
You are so much like me.. funny, witty, and such dumb asses when it comes to love.. I love you!
humm...maybe i should delete the post...ok, i'm only half kidding, but i feel very exposed right now being that honest with perfect strangers...
and i'm still up for getting a coffee, all i was saying is that i couldn't "meet" you anywhere cuz i don't have a car anymore...the gods took that from me.
Him, sounds like my Out-of-Towner. God, but he did have me. A little IM,an email and I was all a twitter.
I don't think you're weak, I think he offers or gives you something you need right now. You'll get over him. You'll have your moment and time when he doesn't do anything for you. He'll say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing and it'll finally all click and you'll realize, "next" It'll happen. trust me on this.
pg: yeah but the point is i thought i was already at that point...i haven't talked to him in months or even thought pleasantly about him in months...but then yesterday i get a few messages and suddenly i'm back there again...back to wanting him.
...because he has said the wrong things and he has done the wrong things...but still, i keep going back for more.
anybody want to buy a slightly used mascochist?
Okay, I change my comment. I can do that, right? And I thought this before I read your reply to my first comment.
So, why do you keep going back to him? I know you said you're a mascochist, I get that, but that's too easy for me, so, what's the real answer? Why him? What does he do for you? Is it sex, a feeling, a word, an emotion, that he makes your hair stand on end, he makes you all tingly inside, what? We both know there are other men out there, we both know there are other men out there who won't treat you like this or make you feel like this, so then, why? Why him? why let him get away with it? You deserve better and I know you know this. If you don't, well then this is me telling you, you deserve better than him.
Also, butterflies are actually your body reacting to fear and feelings of anxiousness. It's not actually feelings of love or tingly-ness.
Ok, Dr. PG, out.
one last thing: I would never think, let alone call you, weak. You're not weak, you're human and well, sometimes, that really, really sucks.
OKay, now, PG, out.
cooper: I love the way you see the world too...it's refreshing to see somebody else be so honest with me.
PG: i wish i fucking knew! i really can't explain it! ok, well...that's maybe a cop out, a little. but the reason is so difficult to explain...and the story isn't finished yet..."the show must go on" i will try to finish it later tonight or tomorrow.
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