(G)-oing (H)-lla (O)-uttawayta (S)-ay (T)-his (S)-tuff

So it's over...officially. Again. I guess now I've finally killed all my ghosts in tennessee, and tonight managed to off another one. Only this time, I never imagined that I would think back and call it merely a ghost. But perhaps, that's all it was...the last ghost. Now there are no remaining ghosts to be laid to rest around here, and nothing left to tie me to this area anymore. This time, it even managed to kill the last little bit of hope that I had that I might find a way to be happy in Tennessee again. He said that there was nothing at all I could say or do that would make him change his mind and give "us" another chance. So I left. I realized that I had overstayed my welcome. No hug, no goodbye, just sad looks on our faces. I didn't even do the "girl thing" and wait a bit before I drove away (you know to see if he was gonna come outside and try to say anything) because I didn't really want or need him to say anything else, and I was already crying. People who hurt me don't get to see that...ever. I doubt if we'll be able to get back to being "just friends" again...cuz even if we were to try, there would always be that *thing* in the back of my head, questioning and wondering why. So, after a very short stint, he's back on the market again girls...feast away.

I think now, I'll just have to go back to consuming my days with work and counting the minutes until I can leave again...for good this time. On the way home, I realized that while this time it didn't bring me quite to the point of hating my life again, it did make me understand some things about myself. I was upset, and only had one person I could call to talk with about it...she was asleep, so I let her get back to it (that's what a good friend would do). Since coming back, all of my former "really good friends" have mostly fallen out of my life. Some of them are just deployed right now, so they get the benefit of the doubt, but of the rest, only 2 remain.

My ghosts are dead. My redemption came to me in various, albeit fucked up, ways: at least 5 exes have wanted to have the apology conversation with me i.e. I'm sorry I hurt you, I shouldn't have done that, I really did like you but...., blah blah blah all the same shit people always seem to say in those situations. But at least it gave me a sort of cock-eyed redemption, an end to a bitter story, even if it did come too late to make the hurt go away.

"I don't wanna be just a ghost to be killed," he said once. I didn't want that either; I was hoping that this time I'd finally found something real. But alas, all things must end.

Wool socks and heavy coats and over-the-top liberals....look out, I'll be back.

and...FYI: This recent turn of events actually made me want to take some entries off of this blog. Mostly because now it seems like all I do is get really into a person and then bitch about why it's now over...but I already decided with The Warning Blog that I wasn't going to do that on this page. Funny though, in this case, I almost wanted to delete all the happy posts I had about him, just so there would no longer be this "huge buildup" to a pessimistic end. fyi-2 had to change the title so that I can view my own webpage at work...lol.

"I'd rather be an optimist and a fool, than a pessimist and right." --Albert Einstein