I guess I must deserve an asshole

So yeah, last night NG and i, well really just him, decided that it was time to stop seeing each other...yeah, already. he's scared and hurt, blah blah blah...insert every excuse i've already heard here and continue on with the story. he didn't mean to hurt me, and hoped we could still be friends. my problem with this is...why do the nice guys never want to keep me? the assholes that treat me like shit, man...they'd stick around forever if i'd let em. i was thinking about this on the way home tonight...and the last time i dated a really nice guy for longer than a month was when i was still a really nice-virgin-teenaged-high-school-varsity-cheerleader, which was so long ago i don't even like thinking about it. And the problem with trying to be just friends with NG is that, the conversation wasn't really there with he and i. I loved to hear him talk just because i was so fascinated with his mouth, that watching his lips move was more than enough to get me going, but how can i be "friends" with a man who i have very little in common with and that i'm always thinking about kissing? I don't know if i can.

In other news, the deaths in Iraq are getting closer to my doorstep...which scares me a bit. Several weeks ago, I heard a name on the radio announced that i recognized (not as a friend or ex but somebody i had delivered pizza to A LOT!!), then tonight one of the girls who used to work with me called up and ordered a pizza and when our guy went to her house to deliver it, there was a chaplain and a soldier in class "a's" at her door. In this area, we all know exactly what that means: it was her husband. All of us at work tried to call, and offered to come over and keep her company...and several of us girls up at the shop are planning to cook a few meals and cake for her so that she won't have to cook for a while, if she doesn't want to and also to let her know that even though we might not have been her best friends, that we are still there with her. But it makes me wonder...what next? who next? Things like this usually come in threes, and it keeps getting closer to my heart...for my own sanity, i just hope that the next step isn't what i fear.

And then.... A friend of mine last night, which confused me very much, got to talking with me about why he and i weren't together. Honestly, i've never figured that out...i didn't know why back then, and i don't really know why now. But the confusing part isn't that it was said, it's that he said the decision was on me, and that he's been dropping a lot of hints around this lately. Sidenote: to anybody who doesn't know, dropping a hint around me is usually about as effective as hitting me in the head with a brick...either way, ur not gonna get much out of me, and either way it serves no real purpose. But now, i'm still sitting here trying to think of what "hints" he thinks he dropped towards this end. And so far, i've only come up with one very clear thing that i can remember: he played my favorite song on the jukebox one night when we were out at the bar together, just because he knew how much i liked it. Mostly, i just thought we were friends who sometimes had sex because mostly, all i hear from him is how much he still misses his ex-girlfriend. In what language or world does talking about an ex equal "I'm hitting on u"? That's the sorta thing u talk about with somebody who is just a friend; and sitting at a bar comparing notes on every hot girl that walks by is definitely a friend area as well. Also, encouraging me to go out with a guy who asks me out....friends! Inviting said guy to go out with us...friends!

And this is mostly what i get out of you, so forgive me if i'm a bit confused about your intentions and possible affections for me.