Need for Speech
Tonight I felt the uncontrolable urge to blog, yet again. Though I'm not quite sure what to say first, or at all for that matter. So I'll just let it come out however it has to come.
My friends are very important to me in my life. Their opinions mean the absolute world to me. If one of my really good friends tells me that they think I'm making a terrible mistake, chances are good that I will at least re-examine what I'm doing and take into account their advice, their side of the story. But what happens when their opinions are toxic? What happens when they aren't looking out for my best interests? Should I discard the friendship or just the opinion/advice?
What if, even with all my efforts to shut them out and get them to see exactly what they are doing to me, they still keep doing it over and over again? What if they stop acting like a friend, and start behaving more like the daemons that chase me? Who do I fault: the daemon or the friend? And which is the truth: did they just change that much or did a daemon finally get to them?
On certain occasions lately, but I've taken notice enough to realize that it's only with certain people, Potions has been acting very strangely while I was on the phone...and only that way while I'm on the phone, never at any other time. He doesn't do it every phone call, or even every time I get angry, but it has been happening more and more frequently lately. He jumps out of the sleep he is usually engaged in, rushes over to me, climbs up my leg (I'm sitting down) puts his paws on my knee and starts to freak out...he meows uncontrollably and sometimes even gets angry enough to bite me...hard.
If I, and the conversation I'm having on the phone (it has to be on both ends, mind you) calm down, he stops and walks away content...if it doesn't calm down, he gets more and more adamant. He meows louder and longer; he bites me again and harder. Tonight I finally realized the trend, when he started as soon as the phone call started with a "friend" who only called to bitch at me and to call me selfish for coming back to Tennessee this week instead of waiting till the end of next week. Now, why this was a problem for her or this supposed "everybody" (her word, used with no elaboration) that she mentioned, I have no idea, because I hung up on her while she was mid-rant. After Potions bit me and I couldn't get him to calm down and I realized that I didn't care what she had to say since she couldn't talk to me like an adult anyhow, I hung up on her.
Potions stopped reacting.
I picked him up, held him in my lap for a few minutes (longer than he ever allows, and he hates being in a lap period) and let him go. He walked away and went back to camping out on my suitcase, which he's been doing since I brought it into the house--I think as a precaution against my leaving again, but I'm not sure. Then I called a really important person in my life and asked her a couple of questions that had been nagging at my brain lately. She answered them the way I expected her to answer them (but I had to check none-the-less, just to make sure that the entire world hadn't gone insane and also to let her know that I'm still having problems--it was enough) and through all this, I got no reaction what-so-ever from Potions. And then I saw it. Clearly. He only behaves like this with certain people, and only in certain situations. He doesn't like the angry me, maybe it scares him...and I don't even have to say anything sometimes for him to start this; he knows the angry me just by my energy. Either that, or he just plain doesn't like certain people in my life anymore.
Should I listen to my cat and my gut feelings or to tradition? Should I forgive and forget and move on or let all the bullshit fall into the river and wash away with the tide? Was I washed clean again by that river? Is that why I really left HER house that night: so that I could have things taken away from me that I didn't need anymore and walk up a cliff washed clean of my past?
Should I do what I always do with friends and believe the best and keep a positive outlook about them, defending them even if I shouldn't? Should I continue to be as good of a friend to them as I would like to have? . . . . . OR should I just let them fall away, like so many others have in my past and keep truckin' on with my long strange trip? (Apologies to Grateful Dead--who I have actally met, so I don't really feel all that bad about the reference).
Perhaps I won't get an answer from my friends...perhaps I'll finally figure out who my true friends are...perhaps I already know who my real friends are and I just needed to write this to figure it out for myself.
Really
really
long
pause
for
dramatic
effect.
End with a quote that came to mind.
Sex and the City quote for the day (seems appropriate inserted here): "Is it time to stop questioning."
My friends are very important to me in my life. Their opinions mean the absolute world to me. If one of my really good friends tells me that they think I'm making a terrible mistake, chances are good that I will at least re-examine what I'm doing and take into account their advice, their side of the story. But what happens when their opinions are toxic? What happens when they aren't looking out for my best interests? Should I discard the friendship or just the opinion/advice?
What if, even with all my efforts to shut them out and get them to see exactly what they are doing to me, they still keep doing it over and over again? What if they stop acting like a friend, and start behaving more like the daemons that chase me? Who do I fault: the daemon or the friend? And which is the truth: did they just change that much or did a daemon finally get to them?
On certain occasions lately, but I've taken notice enough to realize that it's only with certain people, Potions has been acting very strangely while I was on the phone...and only that way while I'm on the phone, never at any other time. He doesn't do it every phone call, or even every time I get angry, but it has been happening more and more frequently lately. He jumps out of the sleep he is usually engaged in, rushes over to me, climbs up my leg (I'm sitting down) puts his paws on my knee and starts to freak out...he meows uncontrollably and sometimes even gets angry enough to bite me...hard.
If I, and the conversation I'm having on the phone (it has to be on both ends, mind you) calm down, he stops and walks away content...if it doesn't calm down, he gets more and more adamant. He meows louder and longer; he bites me again and harder. Tonight I finally realized the trend, when he started as soon as the phone call started with a "friend" who only called to bitch at me and to call me selfish for coming back to Tennessee this week instead of waiting till the end of next week. Now, why this was a problem for her or this supposed "everybody" (her word, used with no elaboration) that she mentioned, I have no idea, because I hung up on her while she was mid-rant. After Potions bit me and I couldn't get him to calm down and I realized that I didn't care what she had to say since she couldn't talk to me like an adult anyhow, I hung up on her.
Potions stopped reacting.
I picked him up, held him in my lap for a few minutes (longer than he ever allows, and he hates being in a lap period) and let him go. He walked away and went back to camping out on my suitcase, which he's been doing since I brought it into the house--I think as a precaution against my leaving again, but I'm not sure. Then I called a really important person in my life and asked her a couple of questions that had been nagging at my brain lately. She answered them the way I expected her to answer them (but I had to check none-the-less, just to make sure that the entire world hadn't gone insane and also to let her know that I'm still having problems--it was enough) and through all this, I got no reaction what-so-ever from Potions. And then I saw it. Clearly. He only behaves like this with certain people, and only in certain situations. He doesn't like the angry me, maybe it scares him...and I don't even have to say anything sometimes for him to start this; he knows the angry me just by my energy. Either that, or he just plain doesn't like certain people in my life anymore.
Should I listen to my cat and my gut feelings or to tradition? Should I forgive and forget and move on or let all the bullshit fall into the river and wash away with the tide? Was I washed clean again by that river? Is that why I really left HER house that night: so that I could have things taken away from me that I didn't need anymore and walk up a cliff washed clean of my past?
Should I do what I always do with friends and believe the best and keep a positive outlook about them, defending them even if I shouldn't? Should I continue to be as good of a friend to them as I would like to have? . . . . . OR should I just let them fall away, like so many others have in my past and keep truckin' on with my long strange trip? (Apologies to Grateful Dead--who I have actally met, so I don't really feel all that bad about the reference).
Perhaps I won't get an answer from my friends...perhaps I'll finally figure out who my true friends are...perhaps I already know who my real friends are and I just needed to write this to figure it out for myself.
Really
really
long
pause
for
dramatic
effect.
End with a quote that came to mind.
Sex and the City quote for the day (seems appropriate inserted here): "Is it time to stop questioning."
posted by AeroAangel at 19:28
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